How do talk to potential mates?

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Matthew74

Matthew74

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I'm 40 and never married. The chances I ever will be are pretty slim for a variety of reasons, but I haven't given up. There's a lot of issues, but one of the most basic is small talk. The worst thing is when a woman asks me what I do. I feel like saying, "Oh, I went to school forever, got a masters in something nobody cares about, couldn't get a job, painted houses before going back to school, when I got sick again, and now I'm disabled until further notice, and have no idea what I'm going to do. And I'm sick."

Of course I don't say that but it's hard to come up with something honest that will get you past introductions. It's especially hard when it takes a lot of effort anyhow because you are uncomfortable socially. Forget getting married, it's hard to make friends.

How do you respond to questions like that?
 
"How DO you talk to a potential spouse?"

Or,

"How not to sound dumb..."
 
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Well if she's honestly a good person, she shouldn't care.
I don't really leave my house unless I'm going to work or the store. I occasionally hang out with the few friends i have. I used to go out and do lots of things before my accidents. Now I rarely go to dinner with my family. I definitely understand the social awkwardness. I usually end up saying something totally weird that pretty much ends any conversation. I tend to look for people similar to me. Not easy to find.
 
I get the social awkwardness bit, too. I'm also in my early 40s and single, and although I will gladly say hello and smile at people I know and recognize, it is a whole different story when it comes to striking up a conversation sometimes.
Having said that, though, I know from experience that it makes a huge difference when you find people - male and female - who have similar interests. In my case it is working out in the gym. It gives you common ground from which to start a conversation. I also like anime and video games, and from working out in the gym and striking up conversations (or them with me) I happen to have discovered people who share my interest in these areas, too.
You might find it helps to take a general interest course in an area you like or want to learn more about (eg. sketching or painting, a cooking course, how to do your own taxes, etc. etc.).
Once you get to know even a few people and they become your friends, if they are true friends they will recognize your social awkwardness and do what they can to help ease the stress.
 
I can understand where you're coming from.

I've always been an outgoing person so talking to people has never been a problem. It's just when I tell them I have epilepsy it's been a little awkward. I'm not embarrassed that I have it though and I don't mind telling people I do. Someone might say "Where are you working" or "Lets meet up sometime for lunch". That's when I have to tell them I have epilepsy and that I don't work and I don't drive so they'd need to pick me up.

I met my husband when I was 27 while waiting in line to get into at a concert I went to with my mom for a band that we both like. The questions came up about working and driving and I told him I had epilepsy. My mom and I had snuck into the seating section and I had to go to the bathroom.

I saw that the guy I was talking to (my now husband) was sitting a few rows back. I asked him if I could use his ticket so I'd be able to get back into the seats. I thought that was really nice so I wrote my phone number on his ticket and he called the next day and asked me out. When he came to pick me up my parents gave him the info of what to do if I were to have a seizure. We started dating and I had my first seizure, a complex partial, with him about two weeks later. It scared the crap out of him because I ended up in the ER. He's stuck with me for almost 12 years and I can't begin to count how many seizures.

My main problem is finding friends and I think the reason is because I don't drive. The one's I've had before I've had epilepsy call on the phone a good bit. They live about 45 minutes away though and it's hard to meet up. My husband will take me but I really don't want him tagging along with a me and a girl friend. He will let us go off on our own and do our thing but I hate making him wait where ever to take me home. I know my friend would come see me or take me home when we get together but it's hard for her because she's got two kids and a full time job.

Where I live there's no public transportation so it's hard for me to join some type of club because I have to get someone to take me there. If you want join some type of club or organization. It's a great way to meet people because you've got something in common.

And don't feel awkward telling them you have epilepsy right from the start. The more they know about you right from the start the better chance you'll get them to stick around.
 
Like you all say transportation can be a huge issue.

Valerie, Thanks. That's a great story. How do you explain what epilepsy is?

Jen, Finding common interests is another one of my problems! I've had some luck with book clubs, but it's really hard for to get to know people like that, and not much comes of it. I seem to like everything everyone else finds boring, or where the only people who know about it are above my social status. Maybe I should try a Star Trek convention, I'm sure I wouldn't be the most eccentric person there.

Maybe you both can tell me what you think... It seems to me (rightly or wrongly) that its less socially acceptable for men to have disabilities or illnesses than women, at least as far as dating goes. I know there are some rare women out there that don't care, but many would never consider dating a guy without a career. Is this just my perception?
 
Walker, I think the isolation really exacerbates the awkwardness. I try to force myself to be more involved, but even the effort makes me feel uncomfortable. I have found having one person I really enjoy being around helps a lot. It gets me out of my own head.
 
Matthew74 said:
Like you all say transportation can be a huge issue.

Maybe you both can tell me what you think... It seems to me (rightly or wrongly) that its less socially acceptable for men to have disabilities or illnesses than women, at least as far as dating goes. I know there are some rare women out there that don't care, but many would never consider dating a guy without a career. Is this just my perception?
Click to expand...

As for it being less socially acceptable for men to have disabilities than woman, I would tend to agree in some respects in that men are perceived to be strong and the prime caregivers (ie. of their spouses and families) and breadwinners. But ultimately it depends on the person. A man can seem very weak even if he is able-bodied, and a woman can appear very strong even if she is wheelchair bound and unable to move. A man can appear very strong even if he has no university education or otherwise no job because he has chosen to make a difference in his life and in the lives of those around him.
And as for appearing like a geek or whatever for going to a Star Trek convention, that is all in the eyes of the beholder. You are not weird or a geek to those at the convention!! Besides, the coolest guy I know can quote lines from Star Trek like you wouldn't believe :)
 
Thank you. I think perception is the issue. When you are meeting people (especially the opposite sex - and more especially when you don't have the leisure of getting to know each other over time), impressions are important. When telling people about epilepsy I have hardly ever had anyone respond to it warmly, even when they are sympathetic. The word puts a chill in the room. Perhaps the way I say it is partly to blame. The work issue is similar, even when I am more positive about it. Now, this is an extreme example, but it illustrates something I experience more commonly in a different way.

I was at a gathering at someone's home several years ago. I had some connection with the family but didn't know them well. They were very hospitable. Now, I look much younger than I am, I could pass for almost half my age, at least 10 years younger. Their college aged daughter had a friend who was, lets say, "pleased to meet me". "Eager" would not be too strong. The electricity was almost disconcerting! I'm not used to that. We were introduced, and began talking. Everything was going swimingly. Soon she asked me what I did. When I said that I painted houses, her face went from rosy to white in a remarkable and instant transformation. Her jaw literally dropped. It was certainly less than a minute until she declared that she had to go, meaning to any room not containing myself! I wish I had it on video. Now, she was just immature and rude, she was too young, and I understood this enough that I could see the humor in it. Nonetheless I was hurt not a little. Although an amusing incident, it is what happens to me with some regularity in a different way. It's more often like when you are in a job interview and accidentally say the wrong thing, and all of a sudden, irrevocably, you know it's over. Everyone is polite and smiling, but you know you didn't get the job. It's hard to avoid the issue.
 
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I too am in my early 40s and not married. The E is a difficult subject. I dont date much, but if I do it varies on how quickly I tell the person. I guess I try to gauge if I feel like they can handle it.

I'd really like a relationship, but it is difficult, so I can understand. Like you, I've been told I look younger than I am (maybe all that extra collagen from Dilantin use, just kidding), and I was at a gathering where I saw some people I hadn't seen in awhile, and all they women (people I grew up with) where saying how they couldnt believe I wasnt married, or that it was ridiculous I dont have a GF.

I always think to myself, yeah but you dont know the whole story. Sometimes I think it would be easier if I met someone on a site like this who had E too, then everyone would be on the same page!
 
Matthew
Be yourself & be honest, don't ever try to be what you are not.
When you least expect it you may find that person who will "click" with you.

Do something you really really enjoy doing that involves actual interaction with others..once weekly. You never know it may lead to something.


No ones perfect. I once worked in an industry of ILLUSION (fashion stuff). :-) & I can honestly say there's some people who do rabbitt on about utter crap.

We all have the good, bad & ugly..it's whether we find the person that will genuinely accept that in good times ... & most importantly the challenging stuff.
 
Matt -- I think small talk is a way SOME humans have of pretending they are on top of it for a while. It is a way of getting comfort and having fun, a kind of verbal fan dance with life. So if you come along with your truth that you are struggling with epilepsy -- you are interrupting the game. They don't know HOW to fit you in! It is as if they are all part of a team. When you make your announcement, for sure you aren't on the team. I think you are a lucky man that the girl in your story fled. I really do.
Actually the older I get the easier small talk is. I think it is at least partly because I am not looking for a husband! I have learned that there are never enough friends. Friends are wonderful. Some of them know how to do small talk and some of them don't! A few of my friends have painted more than a few houses to make money!
 
Maybe we should set up a site called "e-Date" to match up CWE's single members. Not that it's a requirement that partners have epilepsy, but sometimes it can help to know the other person will understand right away...
 
Matthew74 said:
Valerie, Thanks. That's a great story. How do you explain what epilepsy is?
Click to expand...

I don't just walk up to someone I know or just met and say "Hi, I'm Valerie and I have epilepsy. What have you been up too?" But I'm sure you guessed that. If the subject comes up as to where I work or why I don't drive (because I don't do either) that's when I tell them.

A good bit of times when someone hears the word 'epilepsy' or 'seizure' they think it means that you are going to fall on the ground and start flopping around like crazy. Not many people realize that there are several different types of seizures other than a grand mal.

I normally only have simple and complex partial seizures. But I do have a grand mal about once a year.

Sometimes when I'll be talking to them and I say 'epilepsy' or 'seizure' they may get a big scary look on their face thinking that I might start flopping around at any time. That's when I try to explain what types of seizures I have and what I do during them. I let them know that I may get a little confused at times (simple partial) or I may black out during one (complex partial). Sometimes people will sort of understand and other times they won't. A partial seizure is a little hard to describe to someone who knows absolutely nothing about epilepsy.

Sometimes people will want to know more about the types of seizures and ask you more about them. Like what you do during one, how long they last, how many you have and at times more. I will tell them but won't sit there for and hour talking about it going into full detail. Heck if I did that we might be there for two hours!

If they want to hang out with me or go on a date I will let them know a little more about what I do during a seizure and what they should do if I have one so they know and how to react to it. My husband got pretty paranoid during the first one I had with him, a complex partial, about 2 weeks after we'd started dating. He called my parents right away because that's what my family said to do. My dad told him what to do and kept him on the phone. My dad was going to stay on the phone with him during the whole seizure but my husband said he'd be ok and got of the phone. My dad told him that if I wasn't back to normal, and explained what 'normal' was, in about 5 minutes then call him back. He stayed calm but I actually wound up in the ER because I'd been in the seizure for over 10 minutes.

You may not get lucky on the first person, (I know I didn't) but if you tell someone that you have epilepsy and they don't want to be around you because you do then they aren't worth hanging around in the first place.

The guy I was dating when I had my very first seizure broke up with me - He was a real winner!!!!! Not even worth getting upset when he left me, cause I didn't!!!
 
Nakamova said:
Maybe we should set up a site called "e-Date" to match up CWE's single members. Not that it's a requirement that partners have epilepsy, but sometimes it can help to know the other person will understand right away...
Click to expand...

That level of understanding would be nice, but maybe we should date neurologists and see if we can get cheap medical care..
 
Bidwell said:
Matt -- I think small talk is a way SOME humans have of pretending they are on top of it for a while. It is a way of getting comfort and having fun, a kind of verbal fan dance with life.
Click to expand...

I think this is true, and its why I sometimes wait to tell someone. I try to let them get to know me first, and using Bidwell's metaphor, show them that I can do the dance and play the game. Then once that is established, they can learn the details.

But, it differs depending on the person. Some people you can sense, based on conversation, may be able to hear it sooner..
 
Hi Matthew
I cant advise you other than say what l would like or warm to.
If l cared about or liked someone enough l would not let Epilepsy stop me from wanting to persue a relationship. If someone runs screaming let them, they would bever make a good partner.
Be warm, be open, be kind, be as honest as you can circumstances permitting , try not to look to hard sometimes things find us when we least expect them to. There are kind beautiful and genuine people in this world. If you make a connection with someone who truly likes you all you can do is be yourself, and that should be enough. Get out when you can, try and meet new new people when you can. Give the sci-fi convention a bash - hey why not! Your a good guy Matthew :) some of the best relationships start out as friendships. If someone cannot accept you for who you are or what you do then they are not worthy of your time friendship or love.
 
When I was dating age, my friends would get me blind dates. Most failed miserably. Then I was asked out for a double date by a friend. When they showed up, I invited them in and introduced them to my parents.

Then we went to my friend's house and we played a card game. We got to know each other by small talk. Then the four of us went out more often. The one that became my husband started picking me up at my house first. He was dating my friend. After a while, he started coming to my house first. He would talk to my parents then he would take me out for a hamburger.

We stayed in public places, like the lake close to our town.

Then I had a seizure. He almost had a car wreck, he panicked. He asked me what was wrong and I told him that I had epilepsy. I explained that I had a seizure. He said,"Is that all, why didn't you tell me before, it's no big deal." It didn't bother him and later on we got married. We have been married for 50 years now.

That's my experience.
 
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