My memory is significantly effected by Epilepsy particularly the short-term, though I am certain I am missing memories from the long-term as well. I have been living in Sweden for 4 years and still have not been able to learn Swedish, it seems like every time I have a bad day with multiple seizures that my memory is just deleted. I feel like I am always relearning the same thing over and over and never progressing. I forget where I am all the time, even if in a very familiar place I am constantly getting lost and disoriented in the city (maybe I am having absences?), sometimes even outside of my own apartment! I am constantly forgetting what I am doing and where I have placed items. I am always surprised at what I find in my drawers and cabinets. I forget people entirely, could be someone I got on well with for months but I just won't be able to recognize them at all despite their familiarity with me. My husband repeats the same things to me for years before I eventually catch on if I catch on, which would drive anyone crazy. I have such a poor attention span as well that I am not always sure if the information is getting in, in the first place. My husband will often find me doing the same thing for hours and I won't realize it, so I am always losing time. I forget how I am positioned and end up seriously injuring myself. I feel like I never keep my promises either because I forget or I am just so incompetent.
I wrote a poem about my experience
Static
The world comes to me as static feed,
In mutilated monochromes that jam
All subsequent signals, my stare
Unlike my legs goes on for miles
In opposition to all governing
Architecture. Sometimes the
Winds toss me up into the
Atmosphere as if I were
A messenger pigeon
=
In this world I have found no
Means to live, my mind is a snare that
Halts and rends. My thoughts are
Disproportionate to the circumstances
That elicit them, my heart is small
But filled with big emotions like
A hand that squeezes too tightly
(Especially in those moments of
Release and acquisition). My eyes
Have the look of faded graphite
I am haunted or haunting
I forget which
=
Reality disseminates upon extraction.
As if an illusion, I have the vague
Sense that I am not real, that I am
The product of a discarded pathos
Like the accumulation of pollution
In areas that are accustomed to abuse
=
I suffer from fits of malignant amnesia,
Sometimes I wake unable to find my body,
That empty wallet that offers no guarantee
For the contents within. I dread being
Recognized in the streets, the
Crystallization of a sudden expectation
Its all showmanship and I have no
Idea how to act
=
Its gut-wrenching the way I
Break hearts every time I smile
Those unspoken promises
Being especially hard to keep
As soon as you turn around
I’ll have wondered off again
Drawn to something in the
Distance or else I’ll be
Standing there bone white
As if I’d seen a ghost