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Old 02-11-2019, 09:11 PM
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Originally Posted by kategraym View Post:
Does everyone else feel like... overwhelming anger? I feel like sometimes it hits me that my life was fine a year ago and I got to be 30 and then suddenly I am so enraged. My entire life changed. I can't tell if it's just a side effect of keppra or if it's just post seizure me.

how do you deal with the anger? that is the thing that is hardest for me at this point. especially because in my line of work.... well.. it's all even more complicated.

I appreciate all the replies. very much.
Hi kategraym,

I started having my seizures (complex partials) when I was 24 (back in 2009) and I am about to turn 34 and I still don't have them under control. When I first started having them, I got them under control within 6 months and started driving again. However, 4 years later they came back and I still don't have them under control and that's after having a VNS put in. Come June, I will have gone 5 years without being able to drive.

Trust me. I definitely feel your pain AND anger and have gotten depressed many times (ie is it EVER going to STOP?!?!). I had my life all planned out and was going to finally be able to be independent and get away from my parents, yet here I still am at 33 years old. I was in the military and going to college and was going to be in civil engineering construction.

Nope. Now I have to worry about medical bills and how to get from different places without being able to drive. Changing careers. Having side effects from both the medications and the seizures (ie memory loss; drowsiness etc). Being confused and overwhelmed of what's going on and what is going to happen next.

Meanwhile, everyone else you know continues on with their lives. It's like, "HEY! DON'T FORGET ABOUT ME!!"

Point being, as someone who has dealt with it from his mid 20s to his mid 30s (and still ongoing), I totally understand your pain/anger and would say that it is reasonable to feel unhappy. Especially since our condition is so complicated and we don't even know what's causing it and when/if we will have another episode.
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Old 02-18-2019, 03:26 AM
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Originally Posted by Army Vet View Post:
Hi kategraym,

I started having my seizures (complex partials) when I was 24 (back in 2009) and I am about to turn 34 and I still don't have them under control. When I first started having them, I got them under control within 6 months and started driving again. However, 4 years later they came back and I still don't have them under control and that's after having a VNS put in. Come June, I will have gone 5 years without being able to drive.

Trust me. I definitely feel your pain AND anger and have gotten depressed many times (ie is it EVER going to STOP?!?!). I had my life all planned out and was going to finally be able to be independent and get away from my parents, yet here I still am at 33 years old. I was in the military and going to college and was going to be in civil engineering construction.

Nope. Now I have to worry about medical bills and how to get from different places without being able to drive. Changing careers. Having side effects from both the medications and the seizures (ie memory loss; drowsiness etc). Being confused and overwhelmed of what's going on and what is going to happen next.

Meanwhile, everyone else you know continues on with their lives. It's like, "HEY! DON'T FORGET ABOUT ME!!"

Point being, as someone who has dealt with it from his mid 20s to his mid 30s (and still ongoing), I totally understand your pain/anger and would say that it is reasonable to feel unhappy. Especially since our condition is so complicated and we don't even know what's causing it and when/if we will have another episode.
Does the anger ever have reprieve? Iím in therapy. Iíve had issues with depression for a long time. I feel like i just want to be better and i get so mad because nothing is the same. My job isnít even the same. If Iím five seconds late they get worried itís because Iíve had a seizure. It comes from a place of love. I know that. But. Like. FFFF that. I am angry I wasnít diagnosed as a child because I shouldíve been.

That said, I have had so many experiences I likely wouldnít have if Iíd been diagnosed properly. Itís such a catch 22. But. Thatís all rational. The anger I feel overwhelms me and it isnít rational. Does it ever fade?
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  #23  
Old 02-18-2019, 06:59 AM
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i guess amnesia helped me, i had so little of before to compare it to, everything was new so i was really starting over, so there was nothing to be mad about, i might as well be happy to be alive, and be happy for another day, and when you read some of the horror stories on here it quickly becomes obvious it could always be worse, so i might as well be happy about that, and be happy there are no curling irons in my life shit
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Old 02-18-2019, 11:06 AM
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Originally Posted by kategraym View Post:
Does the anger ever have reprieve? Iím in therapy. Iíve had issues with depression for a long time. I feel like i just want to be better and i get so mad because nothing is the same. My job isnít even the same. If Iím five seconds late they get worried itís because Iíve had a seizure. It comes from a place of love. I know that. But. Like. FFFF that. I am angry I wasnít diagnosed as a child because I shouldíve been.

That said, I have had so many experiences I likely wouldnít have if Iíd been diagnosed properly. Itís such a catch 22. But. Thatís all rational. The anger I feel overwhelms me and it isnít rational. Does it ever fade?
That I don't know (ie if it will ever fade). Depends on if you will accept what you typed just above, "It comes from a place of love." Wouldn't it hurt just as much, if not more, if they DIDN'T check on you and then you were to have an episode and then they just left you there?

That's the hardest part to all of this. Accepting that you have a problem in which you had no responsibility in creating and there also seems like there is nothing that can be done about it (ie WHAT CAN I DO ABOUT IT?!?!) Meanwhile, everyone (that loves you) is being overprotective and treating you like a kid like you have to hold their hand to cross the street etc.

What. You're saying I'm not good enough (ie mature) to cross the street by myself?!?! C'mon!! It can really hurt one's self-esteem. That's what has been driving me crazy for the last few years. I can't drive or anything fun, but I'm stuck at the house all day, every day doing responsible chores (ie laundry, dishes, trash, pets, my dad's caregiver, going grocery shopping with my mom etc). However, I'm working on changing that...
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Old 02-18-2019, 05:14 PM
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yeah the over protective bit gets old quickly. sometimes you have to be proactive and just do stuff remind people you are an adult
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  #26  
Old 02-25-2019, 08:18 AM
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Hi Kate,

Welcome to the CWE forum!

Im sorry to hear about your epilepsy diagnosis. Its not an easy pill to swallow, thats for sure. I hope you are okay from your accident though...that must have been scary!

What you are going through and how you are feeling are totally relatable to many people of here, including myself.

For me, I had my first seizure when I was in grade 9, beginning of high school (around the age of 14), and now Im turning 34 this year. It was a hard pill to swallow back then, and its still hard to deal with. Its derailed how I've had to think and do life....driving, career, relationships (friends, family, those you love), taking care of your mind and body first.....epilepsy makes you have to deal with everything. Epilepsy and the hardships that you may have to go through are dynamic

As you mentioned that sleep deprivation may be a trigger, there are also many other triggers. For example, caffeine I try to stay away from...mainly coffee, blinking lights, especially strobe lights, not skipping meals (maintaining blood glucose), and the list can go on.

Since epilepsy is something that affects the brain, as well as the anti-epileptic drugs that go along with it, it can affect many areas of your life.

The fact is, everyone reacts differently to different medications, so Im sure many people on here will tell you NOT to follow the same path just because the symptoms are the same, but that said, CWE is a place of much knowledge and a big support for what your experiencing.

t is well known that Keppra has certain side effects called "Keppra rage", which may be affecting your behaviour. Obviously I can't speak for your health, but for many, treating epilepsy is not really a cure. In many cases, there's no magic pill that gets rid of seizures all together, and also, the anti-epileptic drugs (anti-epileptic drug's) usually come with various side effects, depending on which one you take...for example, for me, the Frissium (Onfi/Clobazam) that I take makes me drowsy.

The story can go on, but Im not here to scare you.

This forum is here to support you though, thats for sure.
The good days, the bad days, the days you just feel to complaining to someone....you will find like minded people on here.

Please feel free to reply and I will do my best to support and give any knowledge/experience that I have!

Take care
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