petero
New
- Messages
- 1,722
- Reaction score
- 0
- Points
- 0
It has been a year after surgery, but a bit over a month after another seizure now. Involving surgery for a long time I’ve been having guilt trips as to how it could have been that something I was doing was causing my seizures due to brain damaging behavior.
At the time, I never did anything like taking hard-core street drugs, though I was smoking pot around diagnosis time. (a long time ago I had done ecstasy and LSD and but mostly just smoked pot during my life. I quit drinking over 15 years ago now due to being a recovering alcoholic but my diagnosis for epilepsy now has been about 8 years.
I have guilt trips though that my seizures totally originated from something I had done, and not that they just came from WHEREVER. I have a massive feeling of guilt that people with conditions like AIDS have a better reason for what I’m feeling due to it being a condition of origination, but that epilepsy isn’t.
Does anyone else have guilt trips like “if only I had not done _____, then I wouldn’t have ever terrified friends, family, society by having seizures”.
Granted, there has never been any option for me to have seizures - where in the opposite sense, after diagnosis with AIDS someone could go on a dangerous sex frenzy which could pass the disease to others. But I have growing feelings that I’ve never had options - and even never even had a real understanding as to what my seizures were like. Part of me wishes I could have seen a LOT of my seizures on video. I do have one single video, but I’ll even have crazy ideas that the video had been faked by the hospital I was in at the time. Akin to “quick! Let’s give him drugs that’ll make him have a seizure so that we can give him a lobotomy!” type of psycho thinking.
I still have bizarre ideas as to the passage of ideas and as to realizations regarding realism and crap like that. I have feelings like reality has been being withheld from me in order for me to “come to terms” with thoughts that’re being withheld from me... why haven’t things been explained to me? I just need some factual definitions and explanations! Like people and circumstances are being withheld. WTF?
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
At the time, I never did anything like taking hard-core street drugs, though I was smoking pot around diagnosis time. (a long time ago I had done ecstasy and LSD and but mostly just smoked pot during my life. I quit drinking over 15 years ago now due to being a recovering alcoholic but my diagnosis for epilepsy now has been about 8 years.
I have guilt trips though that my seizures totally originated from something I had done, and not that they just came from WHEREVER. I have a massive feeling of guilt that people with conditions like AIDS have a better reason for what I’m feeling due to it being a condition of origination, but that epilepsy isn’t.
Does anyone else have guilt trips like “if only I had not done _____, then I wouldn’t have ever terrified friends, family, society by having seizures”.
Granted, there has never been any option for me to have seizures - where in the opposite sense, after diagnosis with AIDS someone could go on a dangerous sex frenzy which could pass the disease to others. But I have growing feelings that I’ve never had options - and even never even had a real understanding as to what my seizures were like. Part of me wishes I could have seen a LOT of my seizures on video. I do have one single video, but I’ll even have crazy ideas that the video had been faked by the hospital I was in at the time. Akin to “quick! Let’s give him drugs that’ll make him have a seizure so that we can give him a lobotomy!” type of psycho thinking.
I still have bizarre ideas as to the passage of ideas and as to realizations regarding realism and crap like that. I have feelings like reality has been being withheld from me in order for me to “come to terms” with thoughts that’re being withheld from me... why haven’t things been explained to me? I just need some factual definitions and explanations! Like people and circumstances are being withheld. WTF?
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk