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I had to post these as I still dou:bigmouth:ble over every time I read them.
Quotes by the great Demetri Martin...
I feel stupid when I write the word banana. It’s like, how many na’s are on this thing? ‘Cause I’m like ‘Bana... keep going. Bananana... damn.
I think it’s interesting that ‘cologne’ rhymes with ‘alone.’
I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I’m good at everything.
Saying ‘I’m sorry’ is the same as saying ‘I apologize.’ Except at a funeral.
I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I’m not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.
I was in a store and I saw a pocket dictionary and that made me laugh because it’s such a specific item.
I don’t know that many words and I’m going out and I have pants. Perfect!
I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that’s 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says ‘go outside.’
I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that’s to avoid confusion, ‘cause if there were you wouldn’t know if someone was stuttering. ‘Yes, hello I’d like some B-batteries.’ ‘What kind?’ ‘B-batteries.’ ‘What kind?’ ‘B-batteries!’
And D-batteries that’s hard for foreigners. ‘Yes, I would like de batteries.’
I was in a shoe store and the guys call me boss, and I said, ‘Ya, can I just get those sneakers in a 10?’
And he said, ‘Okay,’ and then he went downstairs. He came back and he said, ‘I don’t have a 10, I have a 9.’ ‘Oh great, because while you were downstairs, my toes were severed off. So that works out.
Normally it would be stupid for you to tell me a number different than the one I said, ‘cause it goes with
my body part. But given my very recent accident, you’re right on. I’ll take the 9’s and a pile of band-aids, thank you. You’re re-hired ‘cause you’re a genius.
One of my friends has a stutter and a lot of people think that's a bad thing, but to me that's just like starting certain words with a drum roll. That's not an impediment, that's suspense! What's he going to say? Car?? …or Carnival?? …Carburetor!?!?
I think vests are all about protection. You know what I mean? Like a lifevest protects you from drowning and bulletproof vests protect you from getting shot and the sweatervest protects you from pretty girls. 'Leave me alone. Can't you see I'm cold just right here?'
I like sports; I like professional football. I like to get to the stadium and see the games live, you know. And I paint my chest before I leave the house. But I don’t have many friends, you know, so I usually just do punctuation and tack on a group already in progress. But sometimes it works out kind of weird because we ended up on TV one time and it said ‘JETS?’
I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.
The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.
The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.
Quotes by the great Demetri Martin...
I feel stupid when I write the word banana. It’s like, how many na’s are on this thing? ‘Cause I’m like ‘Bana... keep going. Bananana... damn.
I think it’s interesting that ‘cologne’ rhymes with ‘alone.’
I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I’m good at everything.
Saying ‘I’m sorry’ is the same as saying ‘I apologize.’ Except at a funeral.
I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I’m not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.
I was in a store and I saw a pocket dictionary and that made me laugh because it’s such a specific item.
I don’t know that many words and I’m going out and I have pants. Perfect!
I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that’s 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says ‘go outside.’
I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that’s to avoid confusion, ‘cause if there were you wouldn’t know if someone was stuttering. ‘Yes, hello I’d like some B-batteries.’ ‘What kind?’ ‘B-batteries.’ ‘What kind?’ ‘B-batteries!’
And D-batteries that’s hard for foreigners. ‘Yes, I would like de batteries.’
I was in a shoe store and the guys call me boss, and I said, ‘Ya, can I just get those sneakers in a 10?’
And he said, ‘Okay,’ and then he went downstairs. He came back and he said, ‘I don’t have a 10, I have a 9.’ ‘Oh great, because while you were downstairs, my toes were severed off. So that works out.
Normally it would be stupid for you to tell me a number different than the one I said, ‘cause it goes with
my body part. But given my very recent accident, you’re right on. I’ll take the 9’s and a pile of band-aids, thank you. You’re re-hired ‘cause you’re a genius.
One of my friends has a stutter and a lot of people think that's a bad thing, but to me that's just like starting certain words with a drum roll. That's not an impediment, that's suspense! What's he going to say? Car?? …or Carnival?? …Carburetor!?!?
I think vests are all about protection. You know what I mean? Like a lifevest protects you from drowning and bulletproof vests protect you from getting shot and the sweatervest protects you from pretty girls. 'Leave me alone. Can't you see I'm cold just right here?'
I like sports; I like professional football. I like to get to the stadium and see the games live, you know. And I paint my chest before I leave the house. But I don’t have many friends, you know, so I usually just do punctuation and tack on a group already in progress. But sometimes it works out kind of weird because we ended up on TV one time and it said ‘JETS?’
I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.
The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.
The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.
