Does he need to come to everything?

[valeriedl]

My husband has a 25 year old son. Everytime we do something - sporthing event, concert, amusement part and those sorts of things, my husband always wants to bring his son along - and he always comes. We always pay for him to come with us, it's usually around $50 at least for anything we do (money isn't the issue though that makes me mad). He will drive sometimes and he has paid for his ticket a few times too. I know that he's coming along with us even if he doesn't really like the band or what ever because it's something to do and he doesn't have to pay. Heck I know if someone offered to take me to an event and said I didn't have to pay I'd go.

I've told my husband that it would be nice for the two of us to go to one of these things with out him, it would sort of be a "date" for the two of us. He argues with me telling me that he doesn't know how long his son will still be around, he might move away after he's done with college, and he want's to spend as much time with him as he can. They have gone to things together with out me.

We've given him money if he needs it, usually for his car or school to buy books. He's needed tires and some other things that have needed fixed for the car from time to time that we've helped him out with.

His son comes to our house maybe twice a month and he only lives about 15 minutes away. He lives at home (with my husband's ex-wife) even while going to school. We usually get pizza or something like that when he's here.

I know this probably sounds like a money issue that I'm having about it, but again it's not. I think it would be nice if he'd just come over more often to 'repay us' and spend actual time with his dad. They would beable to talk to each other instead of listening to a band play or watching the team score goals.

I've tired to talk to him about it but it just goes in one ear and right out the other - He's right and I'm wrong! But is that the way you feel it is?

 

[Nakamova]

25-year-olds can still be pretty immature (especially guys! Sorry, but it's true -- guys' frontal lobes take longer to develop), so I wouldn't count on him to take the initiative to make the relationship with you and your husband better. And listening to bands and watching sports is "actual time" -- a lot of folks bond that way, even if it seems superficial. So in some ways your husband is right.

On the other hand, he's a father AND a husband, and he shouldn't take you for granted.

He argues with me telling me that he doesn't know how long his son will still be around.

Maybe you should suggest that you don't know how long you will stick around if you don't get some quality date nights in soon...

 

[AndrewIrish]

Well, as a 24-year old guy I can chime in sorta... add perspective...

I understand why you're upset and being a guy that young AND married, I have unique perspective - in reverse. I actually cared for my father and put him up because he's got his own issues and he lived with me for a time - now he lives with my sister but since he's a 'drifter', I don't know how much time he'll stick around or if we'll lose touch.

I don't know, maybe I'm going the wrong way with that.

I mean if it's LITERALLY, EVERY THING you do his son is with him, then yes there's an issue. But I mean, if he still eats out with you at times, does ANYTHING really, I don't see an issue here - he just may see these 'concerts, sports events, amusement parks' as bonding events for him and his kid - which I understand. I'd like to think if my dad had the means he'd wanna invite me to events - it actually sounds like they have a very close relationship and I think his son visiting twice a month is a perfectly normal amount of time within a month to come over and spend an evening. It's not too little, not too much - actually right around the right amount. Just be grateful that he, like most other people my age it seems anymore, aren't still 'suckling at the teet', not having a job, not in school and just... never leaving the nest.

I just see nothing wrong here at all except if we're talking LITERALLY everything, in which case ther'es an issue and it's easily solved by saying, 'Hey, we need some intimacy, just some me AND you time and a good date night' in which case your husband should totally oblige you. But coming from a guy the same age with a 'shitty' dad, whose broke and half of my family lives in homeless shelters, I think if he's got the money to go to these types of things, (my dad's never taken me anywhere... ever. I've never had anything in my life, not food, not water, shelter, anything. purchased by my dad - so the 25 year old dude here should be BEYOND grateful, don't get me wrong...

I don't know where this has gone. I'm a lil sleepy... lol

make your husband take you out on a date night once a month and then I think the status quo as it is now is perfectly acceptable, I guess is my ultimate roundup here, lol - sorry for the odd journey to a simple answer, lol.

 

[Endless]

Oh, Valerie. There are many young people who are self-centered, many that aren't. When my step kids thought the world revolved around them the answer was cheritible service. Helping poeple who had it way worse then they did.

Maybe your son can spend time volunteering with children in the foster system, or with other at-risk youth? You and your husband can make that your weekly outing for awhile, too. Make it so that's all he gets invited to do with you. Your husband will be able to spend even more time with his son. It'll make you and your husband feel good about giving back to the community. It'll make a huge difference to some children who deeply need you. Your husband's son will either contribute and learn something, get the message, or quit hanging around you because all you talk about is volunteer service and he's not interested.

The most important thing is giving your stepson a chance to give back to others, and that children are helped. Giving to others will help your stepson grow up much faster than he would otherwise.

I know you have very limited power over what happens, but maybe your husband will go along.

P.S. If you're expected to put up with what you've described, I think the date night should be WEEKLY! lol...

 

[valeriedl]

Thanks alot everyone. I just know my husband would like to see him more often. They text each other alot. His son will say he's going to come over and then he'll call/text and say he won't beable to make it. The only sure time he's going to come is if it's a concert or so on.

I guess it's just a girl point of view for these things. My grandparents have helped us alot through the years. When we were going through some finatial problems and they helped us out through that and never once asked for a cent back. They also take me to alot of my dr appts, the grocery store and drive me around to all sorts of other places when my husband can't because he works. I try to spend as much time with them as I can, I really don't think of sitting in the car or a drs office as time together. It's time at their house alone doing things together that I consider as spending time together. Also I don't know how much longer they are going to be around either.

 

[CathyAnn31]

I'd be upset too, if my husband was uninterested in doing things with me unless his older child was involved.