I need your input...

[momof3boys]

I posted earlier today about how Im having to deal with my parent's divorce.

http://www.coping-with-epilepsy.com/forums/f21/stress-seizures-re-divorce-parents-17489/

Anyways, I got to thinking of all the things Ive had to deal with, in regards to my father. Since 2009, things have changed between him and I. He has lied to me, spoke about me to my siblings behind my back, he is blaming me and my aunt for my mother filing for the divorce, and he has always told me Im siding with my mother on everything. Despite the fact that I've told him, and everyone else I am not going to side with anyone on anything. But I did stand up for my mother last night. When I got the chance to ask my father how he could be so cruel and say such harsh things about my grandfather (my mother's father) to my mother's face for years. His responce... "because I cant stand the SOB, and your mom is just like him". Something that really made me angry.

But out of everything that has changed between him and I... these are the things that have taken place.

1) He confided in me about his feelings about their marriage, said he was unhappy, and never told my mother this. When I asked her if he had spoke to her, she said no, and asked my father. He lied to both me and my mother, saying the talk NEVER took place.

When asked this question to him last night, why he would lie to my mother and me, and say that conversation never took place? His response: Thats not true... I told your mother how I felt that very night". UM NO YOU DID NOT. So again, I got another lie last night.

2) He has admited to me last night that he listens in on my phone calls to my mother. He said that when he listened, he tells me Im against my sisters and that Im just like my mother, and Im a selfish person. Which is not true. I never said anything bad about my sisters, and all was said was that it would nice to get everyone together to talk out this "fight" that occured back in march, and is still going on between the four of them. (thank god Im not in there!)

3) He spoke to my younger sister who is 2 years younger than I am last night for over 2 hours. During that time, he was telling her how Ive been sucked up to all the "crap and lies" from my mother, which is not true... and there are no lies or crap with my mother. And he also spoke about me in ways that you would think a person who hates another person would speak about a person. My own father!

Those things alone, have changed our relationship. I feel like I cant go to my own father and trust in the things I have to say to him. I feel like he would go behind my back and just tell anyone he wanted to. Especially my two younger sisters. I dont know how to go about this with him. He is my father, and I do love him. But I just wanted to get another person's opinion on how they would handle this situation if you had a parent that did these type of things to you?

I have three kids, and I dont want to take away their grandfather. I want him to be apart of their lives, but at the same time, I need him to see where Im coming from, how much this has hurt me and how I feel about all of this.

I havnt spoke to him since last night when he answered my questions.

 

[Wobblez]

Momof3boys,

I really understand where you're coming from! What a sucky situation to be in! I don't have kids but its something I do worry about as I also have a very tense relationship with my father. I may love him as my dad but I don't like or respect him as a person. He has been very cruel, abusive and damaging to me and my family and I've had to work really hard to ensure I don't allow my lack of trust with him/men, to affect my own relationships and self esteem.

My younger brother's fiance gave birth to the first grandchild in the family this week =) It's been a really exciting time and I'm hoping the baby will bring the family together. So far so good, but to be honest, I'll also be observing how things will go with my Dad and how he will treat my brother and his fiance, in terms of watching the baby, respecting their own way of doing things and not arguing in front of a young child etc. I'd like to think it will give me some insight into if he will behave himself when I have kids, but the dynamic between my brother and my dad, versus me and my dad is completely different!! I may be 4 years older yet he still threatens me with "Don't you dare come home pregnant". I have to laugh, I haven't lived at "home" for over a decade and I'm 28 this year. Sigh....Anyway, I digress. My plan so far comes down to 3 "rules" that I plan to follow.

1. In tough times, keep visits short, sweet and superficial. I know it doesn't very nice but its something my psychologist taught me when being around my Dad was damaging to my self esteem. It's the "accept it and make the best of what you have" idea. It has helped me maintain some sort of healthy relationship with him, and allow me to spend time with the whole family and still have fun. I try to spend time with him and the rest of family together, and on neutral territory. I keep it short and sweet and avoid any heavy, emotion-filled conversation. He is also much better behaved in front of my brother's fiancee so I sit next to her lol.

2. Stay right out of mum and dad's marriage.
I know this is REALLY hard, and it must be even tougher for you while they are in the midst of the divorce but I can't stress this enough. Throughout my psychology and counselling degree and my personal experience, I've learnt how important it is not to get involved in parent's relationships. AT ALL. By all means be a support and an ear to each of your parents but try not to comment on the other person too much, or get pulled into the politics. Let them sort it out between them because believe me, when people get hurt, they need to find someone to blame. My mum "leaves" my dad about once a year. Guess who was to blame last time? Yup, the Psych student. What an easy target I am.Try your hardest to avoid any "he said, she said" conversations. Literally change the subject or get up and walk away. It achieves nothing. Spend time with each of your folks, a coffee at a time if need be until things calm down. They will =)

3. Decide your standards and keep them.
Decide what you will and wont tolerate, in terms of how your dad can behave around your kids. For example, mine would be no yelling, derogatory comments or abusive behaviour in front of the kids. No lecturing of me in front of my kids or undermining my discipline or treatment of my kids (its funny that I don't even have kids yet I've thought about this already lol).

Calmly and politely sit your dad down and explain your concerns. Tell him that although you do want him to be a big part of your kids life, you won't have them exposed to any unhealthy behaviour that adversely affects you or upsets them. If he then does any of your "no no's", calmly point out what is happening and that you will leave now and see him next time. There doesn't need to be drama. I struggled with this at first because my dad would take it offensively and literally follow me down the road still arguing with me and yelling "don't you walk away from me!!" . It was simple though, talk to me like an adult and I'll stay. Abuse me and we'll continue only when you've calmed down.

And another crucial thing I've learnt? People can't argue with themselves. Sometimes silence is the best answer. They might babble on and poke and prod but eventually, they'll realize you're not listening. Try it, it's quite liberating =) I hope this doesn't come across as patronizing or judgmental. I haven't read your first post but I think I have some idea of where you're coming from so I hope this helps =)

 

[momof3boys]

Thank you very much Wobblez! Those are some of the things Ive been thinking about all day long today. I do not want to get involved in this "marriage" issue between my parents. I get so tired of telling people that I will not side with anyone. I think my mom took it bad though. Like I wasnt going to confront my father on how he was treating her, which in her way, she got upset at me, started crying, and telling me she can do all of this on her own. It made me feel horriable. But, I just couldnt take one person's side and let the others get upset at me for not taking their side. Thats great advise for how to handle my father when he is either around me, or even if my children are around him. He loves taking our middle son out with him to hit golf balls together. My son has really gotten into liking golf, and enjoys spending time with my father. The last thing I want to do is get into a big argument with my father and have it affect my sons and father's relationship. As long as he does not say or do things in front of me, or my kids, Im good. I agree, for now, I think its best to keep our distance til things calm down. Alot of things were said last night, and I know he was probably angry and upset over alot of things. Last night was the first night that my mother gave him the divorce papers for the second time, since she first filed back in 2009. This time she means it this time. I can tell they are both not happy with each other, and they both deserve to be happy. If it takes getting them away from each other, and getting this divorce final, then thats what needs to be done.

Thank you so much for all the great advise. I just really needed to hear it from somoene else, hoping I wasnt making the wrong decisions on how to go about all of this!

Thank you so much! It means the world to me! :flowers: HUGE HUG!

 

[RiffRaffMama]

I too know where you're coming from. Sometimes lies aren't lies so much as misinterpretations or bad memory. When someone says they did or didn't say something and someone else disputes it, it can just be that they have different memory of that event or a different take on what was said.
Try to not involve yourself despite the fact they're your parents. And try to maintain something of a relationship with each of them because before you know it, they can be gone. This I know too.
Good luck.

 

[Wobblez]

You're very welcome momof3boys =) I think you did the right thing by politely refusing to get involved when your mum asked you to. She's probably saying things she doesn't mean and feeling overwhelmed in the moment. When the emotion has passed, she probably realised you weren't abandoning her and things weren't so bad as they seemed.. There's no reason why you can't still support her by spending time with her, taking her out for coffee and getting her out of the house when she's down. Remind her (and yourself) of all the ways you CAN help, without jeapoardising your relationship with either of your parents. She'll thank you for it in the long run =)

 

[momof3boys]

Yes, I really believe a couple of weeks ago when she had that blow up, it was due to all the emotions that she was dealing with at the time. What hurts me the most is that Im the oldest of three girls, and my two younger sisters are against her. It hurts my heart so much to think that she so badly wants to have things back to normal with them again, but like I told her, they are two grown women, (28 and 19 yrs old). If they truely want to work things out with her, thats up to them. You cant force someone to do something you want them to do. All she can do is attempt to make the effort and show them she cares for them. She then will have to see how they react.

Thank you for all the good advise!