Im stuck in the middle.... Need your input...

[momof3boys]

Right now, my parents are going through a divorce.

Yesterday my dad's relatives flew into town, and since I hadnt seen them for years, I wanted to say hi. So, today when the kids were in school, I met up with my dad and his sister, (my aunt) along with my second cousin who Ive never met, who is 3. It was nice getting to talk and catch up. My dad said to bring the boys by the hotel where they were staying, to let my kids meet my second cousin, who is 3. I said I would call them and we would talk then. Well, about 4:30 comes about and my kids really want to meet up, and meet this little boy. So, I speak with my dad and we decide to meet at the hotel to say hi. I got to see my cousin, who I havnt seen for ages! And I got to meet his wife, and see my other cousins. It was good catching up.... the catch here is... My mom is mad.

she is angry that I took my kids to see my relatives.

She is angry that my dad is "purposely" spending all this money that is still half her's on things like going out to eat, or going out and doing things while his relatives are in town. We got a invite for going out to eat tomorrow with everyone. Some more relatives drove here tonight, and wanted to catch up tomorrow. so my dad said he would like it if everyone could get together tomorrow for dinner. When my mom found out about this, she gave me an attitude. Next thing I know is that my aunt, my mom's sister is calling my cell to tell me its better I not go out to eat with everyone tomorrow. One thing i cant figure out is why the hell cant I go out with my relatives that I dont see for years... just to catch up?

Why cant I go? I feel like Im stuck in the middle of everything. If I spend time with my dad or his side of the family, my mom gets mad. If I spend time with my mom or side of the family, my dad gets frustrated that I dont "call" him to chat, or stop by as often as I do others.

I just dont get it.

So if you were in my shoes, would you go out to eat with everyone tomorrow, or stay home?

 

[eared2009]

I'd go out. Just because they don't get along doesn't mean that you and your boys shouldn't be able to spend time with your family.

 

[CathyAnn31]

I'd go. You never see them so don't waste the opportunity. Remind your mom gently that you are a grown woman and capable of making your own decisions. She'll get over it and if she doesn't then it's her problem, not yours.

(This is coming from a complete daddy's girl who's never gotten along with her mom. )

 

[momof3boys]

I know my mom is having alot of trouble getting through things now. For example, my two younger sisters are not getting along with her at all. They are not speaking to her, and have been avoiding her. My mom feels as though my dad has them two on his side, and she says he;s trying his hardest to suck me into their side, so he can get his way. Im thinking maybe she is mad or angry thinking Im going to get sucked over to their side? But I assured her, there is no way that is going to happen. Im not going to choose anyone's side.. this divorce is between them two... not me and them. I just wish I could do something and have everyone be happy.

 

[MuayThaiFighter]

You need to see your relatives, im sure your mom is afraid of losing everybody but you shouldnt be caught in the cross fire. I would go and just keep assuring her that everything is alright. Family brings on some crazy stuff to the table, sometimes you just have to roll with the punches.

 

[momof3boys]

Thanks everyone.

I just feel like If I do go... Im going to get "chewed out". But if I dont go... then I feel like Im not doing what I want to do... I just dont see any harm in going... but to my mom, its like she is losing me to "their side"....

 

[CathyAnn31]

Ok here's a different spin-

Shouldn't the boys get to spend some time with grandpa and their younger cousin? YES!

Gotta love family drama.

 

[arnie]

I'm with the others. You are not responsible for your mom's feelings (or anyone else's for that matter) especially at a time like this when she may not be thinking or reacting too clearly or sensibly. Do what you feel is best for you and your children, and allow your mother to work out her own feelings about it. As much as possible, when talking with your mom or dad, if they start trying to get you in the middle, try to avoid justifying what you are doing or getting into any arguments with either of them. You will not win. Just be mature and calm and assertive about it. They need all the mature, calm assertion they can get in this turbulent time. Best of luck! This, too, shall pass!

 

[Chaz1]

Id go and I would enjoy it to boot!!

I think u put the nail on the head Kirstin. Your Mom is mad/angry at your Dad and she wants everyone to be feel the very same (I am sure she is hurt but thats not how it works, she has to own her anger not make sure to pass her baggage on). And if I may say, its downright wrong of her to allow her anger to affect your life. Its not very mature, she is the parent here.

If you Dad passed away and you did not take this chance, you would never forgive yourself..and your boys get to see him and the clan too....

Id go for sure......

 

[momof3boys]

Ok here's a different spin-

Shouldn't the boys get to spend some time with grandpa and their younger cousin? YES!

Gotta love family drama.

this is exacly what Ive been trying to get into her head! Its not about ME being with my dad... its about my cousins and aunt getting to MEET My children for the first time, and getting to know them! These people live in different states, and the last time I saw my cousin was in the late 90's! The last time I recall seeing him was at my cousins wedding, in what I believe was either 97 or 98! Since then, I havnt had anytime to see them, yet alone meet my cousin;s fiance, and his son who is the little boy I got to meet for the first time yesterday! I spoke with my mom earlier and she was Pissed! She said not to call her, to go to "his side" meaning my father's side... and to let her be! The plan tonight was for everyone to meet at a resturant here it town and have a nice dinner together before everyone heads back to their homes either tomorrow or monday. Im so frustrated that It feels like ive been put in the middle of this divorce shit! sorry for my language... i just didnt think this was going to affect me the way it has.

I mean the way I look at it is this...

When my dad has his family in town, why cant i see them? If I do see them, my mom gets mad

When my mom has her family in town, why cant I see them? Now my dad does make a few little remarks when I see my uncles on my mother's side, like for example... he will say... "You do have my #, you can call me, you know?"... just little remarks that he says to put it to me as if I can call him, or visit him too....

I know I can call my own dad or visit him... but its different that these relatives are only in town for a short amount of time, and i would like to spend time with them...

My mom should see this the same way too... my dad's relatives are here for a short amount of time, and its just me taking my family to see them before they leave. I dont see any harm in taking my family out for a nice dinner before they leave.

But no... instead, I got a huge stabbing in the back, because I feel like if I do go, then I get punished for it. I wont be talked to and my mom wont want to be around me.

after this talk with her, I hung up and bawled my eyes out. My mom is so important to me, and yet she is so damn stubborn about things, that it makes me feel like if I do what I want, Im going to upset her even more and not have that relationship I want with her. Its so damn hard to choose what to do...

 

[Electra]

I would go...and if my mom started to make me feel guilty or whine I would just leave and let her blow off some steam. Any communication at this point is useless because she is hurting and maybe feels they are taking all that she loves away from her... But I would call my mom in a day or two and see if she would like to go out some evening so I could make her feel special and loved. A mothers love is unconditional for her children so she will get over it...with an I love you. Don't stress out. Just do it.

 

[CQ:)]

Kristen,
Go out & enjoy the dinner with your Dads family. It sounds like your mum is upset at the moment but maybe she will eventually come around.
I agree with Electras suggestion about giving your Mum a day or 2 to cool of before you ring her & see if you can catch up for coffee or lunch.

I have never been through divorce situation so can't imagine how hard it is for you to be stuck in the middle of your parents divorce. I assume that you have tried to explain to both your parents that you are not going to take sides & still want to stay in touch with both of them but neither is listening. Your parents need to understand that it is important for your 3 boys to still be able to keep in touch with both grandparents.

 

[momof3boys]

Thanks everyone.

Well, we missed the dinner. Its over by now... they had the dinner at 6pm, and its now almost 8pm. But the twist about it... is that just around 6ish or so... i get a call from my mom. Now yesterday she was complaining to me about how if my dad goes out and buys the dinner for all these people... technically she is paying for half of that dinner... since all the money they do have, is half hers! In other words, she was angry about that. That to me, made me feel like she would get angry if I took my family and went. So that was one of the reasons I chose not to go, even though I really would have liked to be there. Just to spend time with everyone.

But tonight, she calls and asks... "So what time did you get back from the dinner?"....

My response.. "We didnt go".

Her response.... (Angry Tone).... "Why not Kristin? You could have had a FREE meal!"

Ok mom.... yesterday you're complaining about my dad spending all this money and you get mad over half of this money being yours! Why would I want to go to dinner knowing my mom was angry over how much money my father was spending? But instead, she gets mad. So technically she is mad at me for going yesterday, and now today she finds out we didnt go and is mad at me. Im done. So freaking done. If I can't make my dad happy, i cant make my mom happy either. Im just done. I feel like I am being put smack dab in the middle of all this crap. I see my mom changed everything on me too.... Ive been helping her with her emails. She gets alot of "junk mail" and is missing all of her emails from her attourney. So she wanted me to filter out the junk stuff, so she wouldnt miss any important ones... so to do this she gave me her password and stuff... knowing I didnt check the emails the past couple of days, I went to check on it... and she changed the password. Ok. So be it. I try to offer my help, she gets mad and does stuff like this. From now on, I got the feeling Im going to have to step away from this and let her deal with all these feelings. I cant put myself through this, and bring on the stress with having epilepsy.

 

[momof3boys]

Kristen,
Go out & enjoy the dinner with your Dads family. It sounds like your mum is upset at the moment but maybe she will eventually come around.
I agree with Electras suggestion about giving your Mum a day or 2 to cool of before you ring her & see if you can catch up for coffee or lunch.

I have never been through divorce situation so can't imagine how hard it is for you to be stuck in the middle of your parents divorce. I assume that you have tried to explain to both your parents that you are not going to take sides & still want to stay in touch with both of them but neither is listening. Your parents need to understand that it is important for your 3 boys to still be able to keep in touch with both grandparents.

Yes, Ive explained to my mom and my dad that in my eyes there are no sides. There are things that I dont agree with, especially how my father is going to my younger sisters, saying alot of bad stuff to them about our mother. As a parent, he should not be doing this at all. This divorce is between him and her.. and when he gets the kids involved, it makes things worse. So that right there, is one major thing that is taking its toll on my mother. Only having me to support her, and the other two daughters not wanting anything to do with her, with all the crap my father says to them about their own mother. Ive had to sit down with him and explain my feelings to him on how I am seeing this all. How he as a parent can do this and not feel ashamed or guilty? I dont know how he can sleep at night. But Im not going to fight over this with him. Im here to be on good terms with both, but not bring up what I dont and do agree with. Its not about me.. this is something they have to work out.

 

[rich956]

Hi Kristin,
it's been a while
. I can totally agree with you that this problem is your parents and no one else's. To make it short. And just because your parents are having marital problems. You and your family should not be involved in their personal problems. It appears that you love them all very much but one thing in particular is that there is a bloodline here you need a relationship on both ends for most of the important thing is the bloodline. What if down the road. You needed medical history information regarding her father side of the family and your mother's as one key thing that's in your favor. Right now, I hope I make sense as I to take a lot of different medication. Best of luck rich.

 

[momof3boys]

Thanks Rick.

For now, Im just taking it day by day. My mom did call to apologize on how she acted the last couple of days. I know she's been under a huge amount of stress, and I think the whole idea of having my sisters, who are not speaking to her, and myself being around my dad and his side of the family, got to her, and she thought she was all alone. I reassured her that I was not on anyone's side, and no matter what, no one can get me to "their" side. I just wanted to meet up with everyone so they can meet the kids and my husband, and to say hi. I got to see everyone friday night, but would have liked to been at the dinner where everyone was at on saturday, but I chose not to go due to all the emotions that were coming out. But I think things are getting better. It just needs to take time.

 

[CathyAnn31]

Wow. Well, sorry it didn't work out. I have a few choice words for your mom right now, but I'm a daddy's girl so it's probably best if I don't say anything.

***hugs***

 

[momof3boys]

Yeah I was pretty bumbed that we didnt go. I just didnt want to start anything more with my mom. She's been there for me through thick and thin.. and I can only imagine what she must be going through with everything now...

From the shit my father and her are going through... to her own daughters who are ignoring her, and being so mean... and it going on almost a year now like this with the two daughters.. she pretty much had done so much to try to make things better, and yet they (my sisters) dont give a damn and just go on their way with things... I can see its tearing her up inside. She admited to me today that she cant sleep. She wakes up at 1am and starts thinking of everything... some nights she cant sleep at all and then had to wake up at 5am for work. Being a mom myself, I cant imagine having two of my kids treat me that way and doing everything I can think of to make things better, and nothing does the trick. Im just glad that she admited to me how she reacted wasnt right, and she apologized. But I dont feel angry for not being able to go to the dinner. I just wished she didnt have those feelings at the time. But its done and over with... so I might as well move on to better things!

 

[Chaz1]

Kristin, what a wonderful considerate daughter you are...

both your parnets can be royally proud to call you = thier little girl

be proud of yourself...

 

[momof3boys]

Thank you Chaz!

I do feel out of all three of us girls.. My two little sisters both need to be more mature about these type of things... I try my best!