I thought I would share this with you. I wrote this one year ago:
My Experiences 06/15/2010, 10:17 a.m.
My last experiences started on April 30th. I knew April 29th that the next day they would be starting. This has been happening since I was 12 or so, but I remember reoccurring dreams as a younger child. As young as 8, I think. They come on average every two months to three. I have found no correlation with seasons, food intake. Sometimes they are in the day, sometimes in the evenings.
My hands get heavy. My body sulks. I sense the inability to move, yet I know I can if I want to. Things feel foggy. Where am I? I am here. Wait. Here it comes. A song. The same song as the last time, I hear it perfectly in my head, but a second later it’s gone and I can’t hum the tune or tell you what it was. But I am 100% sure it was the same song, because I am thinking of it now, but can’t grab it. I am back at 8 years of age again…feeling a familiar feeling from that time, but I can’t figure out what it is. Then there’s the counting. Then it gets to infinity and everything stops. Perfect. I feel the “feeling” of everything being perfect and right. By this time I have my head down in my lap and letting the time pass. I am able to realize when they come on, and if alone, I go into a near restroom and sit on the stool and feel my head pulse, I sweat profusely sometimes, but not every time. Sometimes I rock, but not every time. I look in the mirror and don’t recognize myself, even though I know it is me. People say hi, and I say hi back because they are familiar, but I don’t know their name. If I try to challenge the feeling, and keep my head up, things around me seem to happen after I suppose they are happening. If I can just talk and tell you what you are going to say next before you say it, then you will believe me. But, I feel to slow to tell you. That can is going to drop on the ground. See, I knew it before it did it.!
It takes me a while to recoup. Day one it happens 3-4 times a day. Days 2-3, it happens every 2-3 hours. The last two days are once in a great while. Not last time though. The peak was May 5, where it was happening every hour or so, and I never felt as though I had come out of it. Then, May 6th it was pretty much done just like that. I don’t remember what I was doing the hours before each episode.
The days before are a distant past. I remember I was at work, but no clue of past conversations or duties.
My memories of my childhood homes and towns are detailed. I can remember places, streets, scenery like I was there 5 minutes ago. Its like a picture in my head. What happened during my past is patchy, though, regarding events. I feel as though I can be asked about one thing and answer well, yet have no recollection of another thing that is more important to me (or is supposed to be).
I remember being on 8th court in Bandon and on Vista Drive in North Bend Oregon waking up to the same dream, that had this counting, and then everything reached the pinnacle and everything stopped and froze. Minutes later it would seem, I would wake up, unable to move. Then, I would drift back asleep and wake up the next morning fine. I honestly feel at times like these dreams are happening during the day, which to me means that it may be that the illusions or auras were happening only during the night as a child, and have transitions into the day, primarily. Information I learned from a Master’s degree over the last 4 years…I have no recollection of anything that I learned. The same with information from college. It as though I never learned anything.
I can still type well, drive, walk, play baseball, remember details about sports, yet struggle with the names of players I am trying to remember. I see people at work and can’t remember their names, people I see every day. And this is at times apart from the days that I have my experiences. Right now, I am a month and a half removed from the last experience, and I feel like I can remember a lot of the normal everyday things and people now. The weeks just following the experiences, however, are a struggle to maintain normalcy.
ANY song I wake up to in the morning, or hear first in the morning on the radio is in my head till noon or later. I hear it as I type, I hear it as I run, I hear it as I drive and listen to a whole different song.
On May 5th, I was driving around getting signatures for new CDs the place I work for was opening up. While at the bank, I had an experience where I suddenly didn’t know where I was at, but knew I should keep agreeing with the guy I was talking to, and nodded, said I had a headache, and to wait a second, and then continued with the conversation…all in a span of 10-15 seconds. He was a good friend of mine, and I completely did not recognize who he was in my life, yet I knew that he was familiar.
Later, on my way to another bank, I accidentally missed the street, because I lost where I was (I was on Broadway, the main street in my town). I pulled over, and it took me at least 15 minutes to remember where I was, who I was and what I was supposed to be doing. I didn’t remember how to get home, I turned around and headed down broadway, eventually finding my way back to my work, but it took a lot of turns down wrong roads.
I will try to remember to type out my feelings right after it happens again, and try to remember to write down the times and dates it happens the next time, because it has been like clockwork. Every 2-3 months, for 4-5 days at a time, and 4-10 times a day I feel that awful feeling come.
*update*
7/11/11
Since I wrote this over a year ago, I have come across some more things. I now remember being in college, waking up dreadfully scared about nothing in particular. I’d be cold and would just not know why I was so horribly saddened/full of fear.
Since I wrote this I have continued to have the same episodes, pretty much every 2-3 months with varying degrees of intensity. Most of the time when it happens I break out into a horrible sweat where my head just starts dripping. I feel like I am going to throw up so I go to the restroom, but I never throw up.
The days after the episodes cease, I really don’t remember much of what happened that week. I still remember nothing from my master’s degree. I remember taking the classes, I remember details about the room the class was in, but cannot recall general information regarding each class.
I have obsessions with different things…I easily get distracted by new hobbies and throw myself in full steam.
I talked with a doctor and he put me on Lexapro and Adderall. That was 9 months ago and has done nothing for the episodes; however, I am a firm believer that if anyone struggles with staying on task at work, to take Adderall as I have become a major contributor to my employer.
I am a very jovial individual. Good natured. Laugh a lot. A good husband and father. I love Christ and what He did for me. I read a ton, and am enthralled with debate/new ideas. I am very good at creating stuff from nothing and coming up with new ideas for whatever.
I am very smart but am feeling “dumber” every day as I feel that information I have learned is sifting through me like sand. Important stuff that is important to my wife and daughter….I do not remember. I have no recollection whatsoever of a trip my wife and I made 8 years ago to DC. I see pictures of me there and it doesn’t ring a bell at all. Im really obsessed with my childhood home of Oregon. Its as though I wake up and fall asleep with those thoughts in my mind many days.
The other day I was talking with a co-worker in her office. I suddenly couldn’t get the idea/image/words of big fat toe out of my head and everything I was looking at, whether it was her, her door, window, the words she was saying,,,,everything was “stuck” on big toe. As though I was a record player that was skipping on the same note. That’s what it seriously felt like.
Trust me, I wouldn’t be comfortable sharing this anywhere but here.
I don’t know that my wife believes me. I am quite the exaggerator. The fish was 20” not 15”. You know? But in this, I am not exaggerating; I am seriously fearful of what this means. I have done so much study on it, and know what it likely is, which is why I am here.
My Experiences 06/15/2010, 10:17 a.m.
My last experiences started on April 30th. I knew April 29th that the next day they would be starting. This has been happening since I was 12 or so, but I remember reoccurring dreams as a younger child. As young as 8, I think. They come on average every two months to three. I have found no correlation with seasons, food intake. Sometimes they are in the day, sometimes in the evenings.
My hands get heavy. My body sulks. I sense the inability to move, yet I know I can if I want to. Things feel foggy. Where am I? I am here. Wait. Here it comes. A song. The same song as the last time, I hear it perfectly in my head, but a second later it’s gone and I can’t hum the tune or tell you what it was. But I am 100% sure it was the same song, because I am thinking of it now, but can’t grab it. I am back at 8 years of age again…feeling a familiar feeling from that time, but I can’t figure out what it is. Then there’s the counting. Then it gets to infinity and everything stops. Perfect. I feel the “feeling” of everything being perfect and right. By this time I have my head down in my lap and letting the time pass. I am able to realize when they come on, and if alone, I go into a near restroom and sit on the stool and feel my head pulse, I sweat profusely sometimes, but not every time. Sometimes I rock, but not every time. I look in the mirror and don’t recognize myself, even though I know it is me. People say hi, and I say hi back because they are familiar, but I don’t know their name. If I try to challenge the feeling, and keep my head up, things around me seem to happen after I suppose they are happening. If I can just talk and tell you what you are going to say next before you say it, then you will believe me. But, I feel to slow to tell you. That can is going to drop on the ground. See, I knew it before it did it.!
It takes me a while to recoup. Day one it happens 3-4 times a day. Days 2-3, it happens every 2-3 hours. The last two days are once in a great while. Not last time though. The peak was May 5, where it was happening every hour or so, and I never felt as though I had come out of it. Then, May 6th it was pretty much done just like that. I don’t remember what I was doing the hours before each episode.
The days before are a distant past. I remember I was at work, but no clue of past conversations or duties.
My memories of my childhood homes and towns are detailed. I can remember places, streets, scenery like I was there 5 minutes ago. Its like a picture in my head. What happened during my past is patchy, though, regarding events. I feel as though I can be asked about one thing and answer well, yet have no recollection of another thing that is more important to me (or is supposed to be).
I remember being on 8th court in Bandon and on Vista Drive in North Bend Oregon waking up to the same dream, that had this counting, and then everything reached the pinnacle and everything stopped and froze. Minutes later it would seem, I would wake up, unable to move. Then, I would drift back asleep and wake up the next morning fine. I honestly feel at times like these dreams are happening during the day, which to me means that it may be that the illusions or auras were happening only during the night as a child, and have transitions into the day, primarily. Information I learned from a Master’s degree over the last 4 years…I have no recollection of anything that I learned. The same with information from college. It as though I never learned anything.
I can still type well, drive, walk, play baseball, remember details about sports, yet struggle with the names of players I am trying to remember. I see people at work and can’t remember their names, people I see every day. And this is at times apart from the days that I have my experiences. Right now, I am a month and a half removed from the last experience, and I feel like I can remember a lot of the normal everyday things and people now. The weeks just following the experiences, however, are a struggle to maintain normalcy.
ANY song I wake up to in the morning, or hear first in the morning on the radio is in my head till noon or later. I hear it as I type, I hear it as I run, I hear it as I drive and listen to a whole different song.
On May 5th, I was driving around getting signatures for new CDs the place I work for was opening up. While at the bank, I had an experience where I suddenly didn’t know where I was at, but knew I should keep agreeing with the guy I was talking to, and nodded, said I had a headache, and to wait a second, and then continued with the conversation…all in a span of 10-15 seconds. He was a good friend of mine, and I completely did not recognize who he was in my life, yet I knew that he was familiar.
Later, on my way to another bank, I accidentally missed the street, because I lost where I was (I was on Broadway, the main street in my town). I pulled over, and it took me at least 15 minutes to remember where I was, who I was and what I was supposed to be doing. I didn’t remember how to get home, I turned around and headed down broadway, eventually finding my way back to my work, but it took a lot of turns down wrong roads.
I will try to remember to type out my feelings right after it happens again, and try to remember to write down the times and dates it happens the next time, because it has been like clockwork. Every 2-3 months, for 4-5 days at a time, and 4-10 times a day I feel that awful feeling come.
*update*
7/11/11
Since I wrote this over a year ago, I have come across some more things. I now remember being in college, waking up dreadfully scared about nothing in particular. I’d be cold and would just not know why I was so horribly saddened/full of fear.
Since I wrote this I have continued to have the same episodes, pretty much every 2-3 months with varying degrees of intensity. Most of the time when it happens I break out into a horrible sweat where my head just starts dripping. I feel like I am going to throw up so I go to the restroom, but I never throw up.
The days after the episodes cease, I really don’t remember much of what happened that week. I still remember nothing from my master’s degree. I remember taking the classes, I remember details about the room the class was in, but cannot recall general information regarding each class.
I have obsessions with different things…I easily get distracted by new hobbies and throw myself in full steam.
I talked with a doctor and he put me on Lexapro and Adderall. That was 9 months ago and has done nothing for the episodes; however, I am a firm believer that if anyone struggles with staying on task at work, to take Adderall as I have become a major contributor to my employer.
I am a very jovial individual. Good natured. Laugh a lot. A good husband and father. I love Christ and what He did for me. I read a ton, and am enthralled with debate/new ideas. I am very good at creating stuff from nothing and coming up with new ideas for whatever.
I am very smart but am feeling “dumber” every day as I feel that information I have learned is sifting through me like sand. Important stuff that is important to my wife and daughter….I do not remember. I have no recollection whatsoever of a trip my wife and I made 8 years ago to DC. I see pictures of me there and it doesn’t ring a bell at all. Im really obsessed with my childhood home of Oregon. Its as though I wake up and fall asleep with those thoughts in my mind many days.
The other day I was talking with a co-worker in her office. I suddenly couldn’t get the idea/image/words of big fat toe out of my head and everything I was looking at, whether it was her, her door, window, the words she was saying,,,,everything was “stuck” on big toe. As though I was a record player that was skipping on the same note. That’s what it seriously felt like.
Trust me, I wouldn’t be comfortable sharing this anywhere but here.
I don’t know that my wife believes me. I am quite the exaggerator. The fish was 20” not 15”. You know? But in this, I am not exaggerating; I am seriously fearful of what this means. I have done so much study on it, and know what it likely is, which is why I am here.
