The Funny side of Santa!

[Cinnabar]

Who want's to provide a vid, song, poem...anything to show us the outragious side of Santa? Stretch out!

:xmas: Bannana Dancing Santa says check this out, man....

 

[Rae1889]

SOME FACTS ABOUT SANTA CLAUS
1) No known species of reindeer can fly. But there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not completely rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

2) There are 2 billion children in the world (persons under 18). But since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle Muslim, Hindu, Jewish, or Buddhist children, that reduces the workload by 85% of the total - leaving 378 million according to the Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there is at least one good child per house.

3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000 th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stocking, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household, a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding, etc. That means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, at tops 25-30 miles per hour.

4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming each child gets nothing more then a medium sized LEGO set (2 lbs), the sleigh is carrying 321300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting the 'flying reindeer' can pull TEN TIMES that normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine - we need 214200 reindeer. This increased the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh to 353430 tons. Again for comparison, this is four timed the weight of the HMS Queen Elizabeth.

5) 353000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance. This will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy per second, each. In short, they will burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and creating a deafening sonic boom in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa meanwhile, will be subject to centrifugal forces of 17500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250 lb Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by a 4,315,015 pound force. In conclusion, if Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas eve, he's now dead.

 

[Chris515]

Let's hope that kids won't ever see fact #5...

 

[Cint]

Ahem, Rae,

Cinnabar wasn't asking for facts, was she? Just the outrageous side of Santa! And as we all know (don't we?) Santa is pretty outrageous.

What about Christmas? fact or fiction?..... oops, we won't go there.

 

[Rae1889]

Well i thought speeding around fast enough without being disintigrated pretty outrageous. lol and the flying reindeers.

well if we want outrageus, i can probably find the santa gathering that happens here in winnipeg, where about 200 people dress up as santa claus, elfs and reindeer and run around our city and hang out in bars. lol

 

[Cinnabar]

Santa Claus Quotes

'I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.'
Bernard Manning

'I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.'
Shirley Temple

'Let me see if I've got this Santa business straight. You say he wears a beard, has no discernible source of income and flies to cities all over the world under cover of darkness? You sure this guy isn't laundering illegal drug money?'
Tom Armstrong

'Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year.'
Victor Borge

'Santa Claus wears a Red Suit, He must be a communist. And a beard and long hair, Must be a pacifist. What's in that pipe that he's smoking?'
Arlo Guthrie

Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
Anonymous

You know you're getting old, when Santa starts looking younger.
Robert Paul

Reply from Santa OK. None of you guys are getting Chrismas presents this year! And that includes you, Shirley.

 

[TempusFugit]

This image has been doing the rounds (again)!

Heartbreaking (lol)

 

[Cinnabar]

TF, You mean we've been without him close to ten years? Then, who the hell has been trying to fit down my chimney and gets stuck every year? Oh, that must be my partner who works in Home Improvement and needs to loose a bit of of weight.

Always Santa's predicament...

 

[TempusFugit]

TF, You mean we've been without him close to ten years? Then, who the hell has been trying to fit down my chimney and gets stuck every year? Oh, that must be my partner who works in Home Improvement and needs to loose a bit of of weight.

Always Santa's predicament...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=557tQC86thA

:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:

I think you also need to ask him why he feels the need to fit down your chimney! lol

We don't have a chimney in our house - and now that my little boy is almost 7 - he is starting to question how Santa gets in to our house. We just tell him that he come through the front door instead (though my hubby did say it was the letter box but my son just gave him a funny look and said "how - Santa's fat".

 

[Cinnabar]

He needs to "fit in" everywhere, so to speak. It's a bazzare self-esteeme issue. I've pleaded with him to go to therapy for Behavioral Modification but he won't hear of it. There is nothing I can do about his chimney fetish.

Your husband has an inventive sense of humor! The letter box...

 

[knothing]

Try keeping a straight face when your young daughter says "What if there was no Santa and we could make the holiday about Jesus only?" No offense to non Christians.

 

[occb]

Try keeping a straight face when your young daughter says "What if there was no Santa and we could make the holiday about Jesus only?" No offense to non Christians.

:lol: That's one pious little girl you have.

 

[Birdbomb]

 

[Cinnabar]

Birdbom, I LOVE IT!

Santa knows who's been naughty or nice and that reindeer ain't gett'n noth'n for Christmas!

 

[occb]

:roflmao: Birdbomb.

 

[roo]

SOME FACTS ABOUT SANTA CLAUS
1) No known species of reindeer can fly. But there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not completely rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

2) There are 2 billion children in the world (persons under 18). But since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle Muslim, Hindu, Jewish, or Buddhist children, that reduces the workload by 85% of the total - leaving 378 million according to the Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there is at least one good child per house.

3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000 th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stocking, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household, a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding, etc. That means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, at tops 25-30 miles per hour.

4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming each child gets nothing more then a medium sized LEGO set (2 lbs), the sleigh is carrying 321300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting the 'flying reindeer' can pull TEN TIMES that normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine - we need 214200 reindeer. This increased the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh to 353430 tons. Again for comparison, this is four timed the weight of the HMS Queen Elizabeth.

5) 353000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance. This will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy per second, each. In short, they will burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and creating a deafening sonic boom in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa meanwhile, will be subject to centrifugal forces of 17500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250 lb Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by a 4,315,015 pound force. In conclusion, if Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas eve, he's now dead.

:clap: Crying with laughter Rae. Think you've finished me off for the day!

:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:

 

[Cinnabar]

Now we know if he's been naughty or nice or plain gross!
:xmas: Heeere's Santa!
....

 

[Cint]

Ugh! GROSS Santa!

 

[Cinnabar]

I don't wan't him delivering my presents! Uh!

 

[occb]

SOME FACTS ABOUT SANTA CLAUS
1) No known species of reindeer can fly. But there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not completely rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

2) There are 2 billion children in the world (persons under 18). But since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle Muslim, Hindu, Jewish, or Buddhist children, that reduces the workload by 85% of the total - leaving 378 million according to the Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there is at least one good child per house.

3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000 th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stocking, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household, a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding, etc. That means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, at tops 25-30 miles per hour.

4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming each child gets nothing more then a medium sized LEGO set (2 lbs), the sleigh is carrying 321300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting the 'flying reindeer' can pull TEN TIMES that normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine - we need 214200 reindeer. This increased the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh to 353430 tons. Again for comparison, this is four timed the weight of the HMS Queen Elizabeth.

5) 353000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance. This will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy per second, each. In short, they will burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and creating a deafening sonic boom in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa meanwhile, will be subject to centrifugal forces of 17500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250 lb Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by a 4,315,015 pound force. In conclusion, if Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas eve, he's now dead.

Freaking brilliant.