The Past that Haunts Me

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knothing

knothing

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I have a tendency to remember so many more details about people that have been in my life that I am haunted at times.
For the last 3 years I have been looking for 2 people to see how their lives have turned out over 20 years later. I found them both yesterday!!!! FYI Both women that I had relationships that lasted under 3 months.
I found the one I wanted to most find and really it was about apologizing for being a young stupid kid and being emotionally hurtful to her. She is one of those bright smile people that are a shining example of humanity. I started to write her and before hitting send I double checked to make sure it was her and then the bottom fell out.......she passed away early last year at 42 and based on the details she must have suffered. I am just devastated for her husband and 2 kids that they lost her so early. Am I wrong for being so upset? I fear I will be forever haunted by this due to how vividly I remember it all.
The other person was just a cheap tawdry affair (on her end) that broke my heart later that same year. I deserved it after the other person I hurt. She was mesmerizing to young me but was pretty black hearted overall. She cheated on her boyfriend of 3yrs due to his medical condition at the time. Yeah I know what a winner there. She is by all accounts living a dream career and steady family life. I sent a message to say hi and bring up some stuff that I know she forgot just to do it.
I know this is a lot of rambling but it hurts so much to see the good in my life die young and the not so good flourish. Am I just a moron or should I really be haunted by this?

Thanks for reading.....
 
Sounds like both ladies made good lives for themselves. Please don't feel guilty, just learn from this life lesson. Hang in there my friend. :)
 
i think you punish yourself enough...if you believe life after death then she will know..only thing i could suggest is befriending her family
 
It 's good that you now see the mistakes you made in the past. Now you learn from those mistakes. You have a good heart in that you wanted to reach out, but now don't keep beating yourself up.

I myself have made some horrible mistakes, I ask for forgiveness and then there isn't anymore to do than to move on.
 
The sad part is all those mistakes I learned from and it is just the big 'R' hanging out there....Regret. I regret that I could never really make that mistake right and maybe down the road I can find a way to help that family...someday.
I give her credit she posted tons of family pictures on Facebook that were meaningful to her and wiped out all the posts. So when others find her they only find the joy and not the pain in that place.
 
I wrote the following today and will replace my guilt with this thought the best I can.

I plan to remember those long gone in their undeniable youth. It is the one place where life was lived in eternal hope and joy was pure exhilaration. As well as it was replete in innocence and bereft of sadness. I will let those memories define them and take those smiles that I was lucky enough to share and embrace them for all time.
 
That's really nice knothing, and even nicer that it helps you feel better.

***hugs***
 
omg.......lol
The other person feels stalked. She is on the other side of the country and seriously....no. The blessing and the curse of a good memory which I am so grateful to still have.
 
Well I did some work into finding out what happened in her life. I know, but I am always compelled to get answers......Epilepsy makes me more determined to find things out. Anyway she had an ex-husband and they were divorced for what looks to be about 9-10 years. He got remarried and had a kid with the new wife. Her family cannot stand him so but his liked her. My experience is that normally that means he was cheating and her daughter does not seem to be joyful around her step mom. Her son made it to college in the same town but lives in the dorm to get away. I am sorry to put this out there but I have no place else to go. I did find that out she spent the last few years alone as far as having someone in her life to share it with. It is sad but I kinda knew it would be.
I am really good at using the internet and am a little hyper-observant.

Thanks for listening.
 
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