How do talk to potential mates?

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Another good one, Matt....I can relate to everyone in this topic.

I'm 24 and I've been alone for a great deal of life. I'm relatively attractive but e affects me on a daily basis and it's a reason why I've always kept a small circle of friends.

Dating has always been awkward for two reasons. One, I'm good at talking but I'm not socially graceful so to speak...I've lost a lot of friends by saying and doing stupid things that anyone with that's socially adjusted will point out as "weird".

Example I picked my ex up on a day I was recovering from an atonic seizure and she rushed over to show me off to a man that she worked for. When she noticed how many times I blinked and how I smacked my lips repeatdly during the conversation...she was angry before we got to the car. "Why do you have to be so WEIRD?!? She'd say." It was a shallow question, but a fair one, and it was one I couldnt explain at the time.

For the second reason I have to point the finger at myself. I struggle getting close to women (people in general) because they always seem to notice something wrong with me when they get there. The best examples I can make of it is Matt Damon from the movie Good Will Hunting and Christian Grey from the series "50 Shades of Grey" (weird example, i know). Grey had a lot of issues with contact, connection, and trust because the first time he was all in he was betrayed by the woman he trusted, and it turned him into a control freak. I don't have Robin Williams as a therapist and I don't tie up and spank all my potential mates (not ALL of them anyway :)) but we do share the same root issues.

Bidwell made an amazing point. When you humble yourself, people who "put on" and make it seem like they're on top of the world will not know what to do with you. At the same time, I agree with StacieS. If you really are crazy about someone, let them know! The worst thing that can happen is a denial. I've also noticed that the more true friends you have, the better your dating potential becomes.
 
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Before I met my Mr.Nice, I dated mostly guys who already knew I had epilepsy. I was never asked out by some of my male friends because they couldn't deal with the seizures. When I met Mr.Nice and we started asking one another all the typical questions it came out naturally. I found, in my 35+ years with seizures, that when I was OK with it and not angry, frustrated, etc my responses were more normal and not extreme. Now, when someone asks my how I "deal" with it, I just tell them its a part of my life, "I am female, I am overweight, I have pretty eyes, I have brown hair, I have epilepsy, its just a part of me" No one needs to know all the details until later in a relationship.
 
Mr. 21T: "I'm not socially graceful so to speak" - You're not alone.

"I struggle getting close to women (people in general) because they always seem to notice something wrong with me when they get there." - I think that's part of the deal.

I wish I could remember "Goodwill Hunting" better.

"Bidwell made an amazing point. When you humble yourself, people who "put on" and make it seem like they're on top of the world will not know what to do with you." - I know, it's almost like it's rude to be too sincere, because you're not playing the game. There's also the issue about appropriate/inappropriate things to say based on the nature of your relationship. You should be appropriate.

The one thing that I think is wrong is that it is not socially acceptable to admit your faults or weaknesses. I think it stems from people not wanting to admit their own faults and weaknesses. You don't have to feel bad about yourself to admit you are bad at something, and you don't have to be defeatist about it either. Unfortunately, many people take any admission of imperfection as both. Nobody is a superman. In a way I think this spills over into illnesses and disabilities. It's ok if your illness is politically correct, but it it's not, like epilepsy, speaking about it frowned upon, and often taken as an admission of inferiority or incompetence. For example, it is ok to say you are bad at math. It is not ok to say you are bad at English. I tutored undergraduates last semester for english, but I only got about 4 one-time sessions the entire semester. They had many math tutors who were booked 24-7. Part of the reason for the discrepancy was the social acceptability of needing help in math vs. English. It's ok to be a cancer survivor, because it has been made socially acceptable (even if the emphasis is always on "surviving" and "fighting"). Epilepsy just isn't socially acceptable. (Maybe it's because you can't drive. LOL)

As far as my experience with women:

I admit I am very insecure. First, my prospects aren't so good. Second, my mother never accepted my dad, and never gave me the affection I needed. My first real girlfriend treated me like dirt (although I walked into it). There's also the normal mistreatment every child gets from the other kids. To be straight up, I can't believe that any woman would ever treat me right. I know that's not true, but I can't get over it. Don't know what to do about that. That makes it really hard, when it's difficult anyhow, to make friends and develop romantic attachments. I'm so pathological about it that even if a girl totally comes on to me I don't know how to respond and/or can't respond. I feel stupid, but don't know what to say or how to act. It's not as easy as being yourself. I never learned how to be open and affectionate because I wasn't treated that way until I was much older. The ones who have treated me right I see more as an aberration, rather than as normal. In a way, by not responding, or by not pursuing, I AM being myself. Doh!
 
Mat74 -- One thought that might be useful. I think people are contemptuous of other people when they are afraid of them. Maybe they are saying something like, "It might rub off on me so I better run." I mean that "If you are seizing, I am getting as far away -- emotionally and otherwise -- as possible because this out-of-controlness is terrifying to me.It doesn't have anything to do with me, not wonderful, superior me." I think it is about fear of reality/real life over which we often don't have a lot of choice, I notice. That is terrifying to cowards. [I mean all of us some of the time.] You and Mr 21T have given me a lot to think about.
 
I think the control thing is huge. One thing that freaks me out socially (romantically and otherwise) is that you are not in control of the relationship. You can't have it on your own terms (which is sort of the point of a relationship).

It has become abundantly clear to me in the last years that I am NOT in control of my health, or really much of anything. It may be that I error too much on the other side and don't take control where I could, but there's a lot of truth to it. You can only do so much. With epilepsy that's abundantly clear. When your body freaks out, it freaks out. If I'm hiking or cycling or something, I can only push my body so hard until it seizes. It's like fixing a car. You can only turn the bolt so hard until it breaks. I think about working out a lot, how easy it is for someone to push themselves when they know their body is dependable, and how it has changed my perception of the world because I can't. A lot of self perceived virtue flies out the window.

I can easily see how E can be intimidating to others, especially to a potential spouse. It's a big deal. I think what some people don't understand though, is that it's really not that different than anything else. You could get married to anyone and have anything happen. Terminal illness, natural disasters, divorce, etc. E only means that you are going to have certain problems for sure. It probably will be harder with E if everything else is the same, but it's an illusion to think because you are both healthy you are in control.

Bidwell, but I think what you were saying is that deep down people know they're not really in control, and don't like to be reminded because it scares them. We have to confront that fear all the time because of E, and it's scary.
 
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My body's like, "Ok. You think you can ride a bike, you think you can go to school, you think you can work that job. Yea, Ok, Ok then. Sure. U-huh. Watch this... POW!" Then I get up and do it again.
 
Matthew, the way it worked for me was I was just myself. I didn't mention my epilepsy. I had a good friend who would get dates for me. They are called 'blind dates."

At first be around other people with your date until you are both comfortable. That is what worked for me.

I never thought that I would ever get married. I have been married for 50 years now.
 
Matt -- Seizures ARE very scary. And you know it. A seizure can kill you. And you CAN/DO go to school and work that job until POW an earthquake, cancer, a crazy person with a gun, another seizure or worse -- a lot worse. And I think most people have experienced this kind of derailment more than once in their lives. People live through it! I am noticing that your rendition of Fate is that it is viciously sadistic and out to get YOU. Naw. That isn't true. Catastrophe takes whoever. [I am thinking of those people in Nepal today.] I hope whatever you are hoping to find out at Mayo Clinic lets you have good feeling for yourself -- less of the bitter. Less treadmill. More pleasure. But how to get there?
 
I think people need to realize that NO ONE is Mr or Miss perfect, not even them. And they are NEVER going to find Mr or Miss perfect no matter how hard they try. Just because you have epilepsy doesn't mean that you aren't a great person and would be wonderful to be with.

We take showers, brush our hair, eat food, wear nice clothes, talk, understand what you are saying, live in a house and so on. It's not as though we live in a hospital, seizing 24/7 walking around in a hospital gown.

Before I had epilepsy I had dated a few guys, who had nothing medically wrong with them, who on a scale of 1 to 10 were probably a -10! I won't go into details about the relationships but after we'd broken up I couldn't understand why I stayed with them as long as I did.

Before I met my Mr.Nice, I dated mostly guys who already knew I had epilepsy. I was never asked out by some of my male friends because they couldn't deal with the seizures. When I met Mr.Nice and we started asking one another all the typical questions it came out naturally. I found, in my 35+ years with seizures, that when I was OK with it and not angry, frustrated, etc my responses were more normal and not extreme. Now, when someone asks my how I "deal" with it, I just tell them its a part of my life, "I am female, I am overweight, I have pretty eyes, I have brown hair, I have epilepsy, its just a part of me" No one needs to know all the details until later in a relationship.

Are you my long lost twin????

When I first met my husband I told him some about what went on and as the relationship extended we both learned more.

He understands the way I act and what my body does is due to my meds or epilepsy it's self and it is part of my life. At times I've been very overweight and other times I've been very over weight, both due to the meds. He never left me or hid me in the house because he didn't want anyone to see me when I was fat. When I was skinny (if you consider under weight skinny) he didn't take me out and show me off like I was a supermodel.

He knows that my meds and seizures make me tired. Not once has he said "Why don't you get off your butt and do something around here instead of sleeping!" He's more worried that I get that sleep because he knows lack of sleep for me can cause seizures.

When I have a seizure in public around people he doesn't throw his coat over me and try to drag me to the car so people don't see me smacking my lips and drooling on myself. He's more worried about me being ok during the seizure and waits for me to come out of it.

I know he gets frustrated that I can't drive at times but he understands why.

He's not 'Mr Perfect' (he may not realize that at times :roflmao: ) but he understands that I'm not 'Mrs Perfect' either and it's not because I have epilepsy.
 
I think the control thing is huge. One thing that freaks me out socially (romantically and otherwise) is that you are not in control of the relationship. You can't have it on your own terms (which is sort of the point of a relationship).

It has become abundantly clear to me in the last years that I am NOT in control of my health, or really much of anything. It may be that I error too much on the other side and don't take control where I could, but there's a lot of truth to it. You can only do so much. With epilepsy that's abundantly clear. When your body freaks out, it freaks out. If I'm hiking or cycling or something, I can only push my body so hard until it seizes. It's like fixing a car. You can only turn the bolt so hard until it breaks. I think about working out a lot, how easy it is for someone to push themselves when they know their body is dependable, and how it has changed my perception of the world because I can't. A lot of self perceived virtue flies out the window.

I can easily see how E can be intimidating to others, especially to a potential spouse. It's a big deal. I think what some people don't understand though, is that it's really not that different than anything else. You could get married to anyone and have anything happen. Terminal illness, natural disasters, divorce, etc. E only means that you are going to have certain problems for sure. It probably will be harder with E if everything else is the same, but it's an illusion to think because you are both healthy you are in control.

Bidwell, but I think what you were saying is that deep down people know they're not really in control, and don't like to be reminded because it scares them. We have to confront that fear all the time because of E, and it's scary.
Real stuff

Your 2nd to last paragraph says it all. At the end of the day, it isn't so much about the ladies handling your e, it's about YOU handling it.

I notice that the happily married women here have men that accept their women and can handle anything that the world throws at them. That's a part of manhood & what sparks the attraction between man & woman.

That's what makes being a guy with e a bit tricky. Trying situations often reveal a man's character, for better or worse, and a woman's intuitive nature can sniff out weakness in a man in a snap. And this isn't the weakness inherent in epilepsy, but the weakness that's present when one gives up, gives in to adversity or worse...fear.

At the end of the day it doesn't matter if e is intimidating to others, it's whether it's intimidating to YOU. If it is, you really have to ask yourself if you're ok with living with fear and apprehension your whole life.

With that said, if you aren't afraid to push yourself to your edge and be the best man that you can be. (Despite the certain setbacks)...& you don't allow e to stop you from reaching what you deserve...you'll be alright my friend!


Sorry if I got a bit off track, but I hope it helped!
 
Mr 21T -- Your posts are helping me clarify what I think. I think you are giving far, far too much power to women's intuitive nature. If I were a man and I thought that about women, I would not be very relaxed, to put it mildly. I think Ruth's post about her courtship is so warming because these two people were FRIENDS. When she seized, he said, Is THAT all? And that is the way friends are. Seizures are problems and take too much out of us, but they aren't that interesting, after all, unless you are into it. I hope you marry your best friend! Changing the subject some, my public seizure experiences have changed me to the core.
 
I see what you mean, Bidwell. Definitely didn't write it to scare anyone or to write all women off as telepaths! Just pointing out what we're capable of controlling (sense of self worth,emotions, reactions) in even the most uncontrollable situations. It can be hard to see at times.
 
That's what makes being a guy with e a bit tricky. Trying situations often reveal a man's character, for better or worse, and a woman's intuitive nature can sniff out weakness in a man in a snap. And this isn't the weakness inherent in epilepsy, but the weakness that's present when one gives up, gives in to adversity or worse...fear.

I think Mr. 21T hit on something here. I think that women want men that they are considering for a relationship to be confident. And I'm certainly not suggesting the us guys with E are weak (on the contrary I think anyone dealing with E has depths of strength that others rarely understand), but it is natural to get down about medical problems from time to time or have concerns. I think that fear or doubt can be come across as weakness, and even if you meet someone who is accepting of the E on its own, they may be turned off by the fear and doubt.

I agree that the best thing to do is deal with it yourself, so that it is not the focus of your life, allowing a potential mate to learn about who you are rather than E or your concerns about health. As has been said by others, there is time to learn all about each other in time. But, as a guy, being self confident, E or not, is an important part of being actually being seen, and feeling like you are more than your medical issues.
 
When I found my husband I wasn't looking for anyone. My man shows others he cares. He stood up to his mother about me.A woman doesn't want a wimp. He didn't go to college but he's the smartest man I know. He respects me he shows me that. Be honest about yourself if they can't take you for all your faults there not worth it. I met my husband at the Epilepsy foundation we didn't like each other when we first met and now I wouldn't trade him for the world.
 
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