Rough few weeks

[gnault]

It's been a rough few weeks. A few months ago my wife had to go on prednisone like she often times does because of her lung disease. When she reduced the prednisone like she often does the puffiness did not go away. As time progressed she had more bloating and the puffiness in her face seemed to get worse. Two weeks ago her platelets and blood work started giving her issues as well.

Two weeks ago she went to the emergency department where after long stay finally had a cat scan. After the cat scan she was told that she had stomach and liver cancer. She eventually made it to a room in internal medicine department. They thought the issue with her blood work was due to an immune issue. They did a biopsy, tried to treat other issues. As they continued to treat her with various medications she continued to get worse.

Within a week and a half of being admitted into the hospital my passed away. Things took a turn for the worse very quickly for her. I was able to hold her in my arms when she took her last breath. She would have been 49 this October and we would have been married for 24yrs this fall.

Its has been a very tough few weeks that likely so far I have survived fairly well. Her celebration of her life service was at our church this past Sunday where I did her eulogy. It has likely been the toughest couple of weeks in my life. Both of my parents died of cancer as well. I have had a couple of weird moments where my body felt completely flush or a few other weird sensations.

Gilles

 

[Frink]

Hi Gilles,
Very sorry for your loss.

 

[Porkette]

Hi Gilles,

I'm so sorry that you wife has passed on. My prayers are with you and your family and I wish all of you only the best. May God Bless You!

Sue

 

[Hobbes]

That's not just a rough few weeks, that's a wrenching shock to everything in your life.

I am so sorry for your loss. Death is such a major aspect of life and yet not dealt with well by society on so many levels.

If you have reasonable access to therapists who help others with grief, please consider therapy. Of course every death is different, everyone's response is different and individuals respond differently over time. I know every death in my immediate relatives (sibling, parents, child) has been completely different and was not comparable to each other and not even comparable to other family members experiences of those same deaths. Most haven't required therapy but when it is needed, it truly is ok for someone to get help. It takes a long time to come to some new kind of normal. Please take good care of yourself.

 

[zombelina]

I am so sorry for your loss.

 

[gnault]

I am so sorry for your loss.

I attached two pictures so you can see what see looked like. She was utterly gorgeous. I can't stop looking at her smile in her pictures. It's still a shock that roughly three weeks ago I had a wife and then undetected liver and stomach cancer and she's gone. I'm trying to get sleep and I'm making sure that I get my medication too. I found a piece a paper that she dabbed her lipstick on and I kept it. I call it my forever kiss from my forever love. I was able to slide in behind her in her final moments and hold her tight as she breathed her last breaths. I didn't let her go for probably another ten minutes afterwards.

Thanks again.

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[Nakamova]

:hugs:

I'm so sorry Gilles, what a terrible swift loss for you. Thinking of you as you grieve.

 

[zombelina]

Beautiful photographs that show your love for each other. Thank you for sharing them.

 

[gnault]

Sharing eases things. I'm in a phase that I sometimes feel guilty but mostly feel like I'm just here. I don't feel content, sad or happy. I'm mostly just here. I found the email address to one of the doctors that treated her roughly thirty years ago before we met. I thanked them for treating her because if they hadn't we would likely have never met. Because they treated her we had almost 24yrs or marriage and because they treated her and found this disease she had she had the chance to be a mother to the two boys than we adopted.

Some people around me still worry that I may come crashing down hard one of these days. When I typed the email to the doctors some tears started. Tears have to problem coming and I won't try to stop things if they do. She was an incredible gift to me from God and I'll cherishe her forever. I still have my wedding ring and I don't have a clue how long I'll keep wearing it. I'll keep wearing it as long as it feels right.

The one picture was when I held her tight as she took her last breaths. I sat there for probably for a few hours after everybody left. They actually had to come get me because I didn't want to leave her side.

Thanks to everybody here for being understanding.

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[zombelina]

Hi Gilles,

I'm really sorry I didn't respond - I didn't receive an email when you replied. That must have been very special for the doctors to get your email. How are you doing now? That's wonderful that you and your wife have two adopted children together. How old are they?

 

[gnault]

Hi Gilles,

I'm really sorry I didn't respond - I didn't receive an email when you replied. That must have been very special for the doctors to get your email. How are you doing now? That's wonderful that you and your wife have two adopted children together. How old are they?

The boys are 17 and 14 and for the most part they seem to be doing ok. I say to everybody that they seem to be doing better then I am. The one hospital said that they would forward the news to the care team that was still there that took care of her. I never did hear anything from them but that doesn't matter.

Most days I do ok but I'm also awake most nights until at least midnight and I'm awake at 5:25 to get ready for work. I have mini aniexty moments in different situations, sometimes out of the blue. Today I had a bit of one when I thought about the fact that she didn't get a chance to see the kid's final report cards. I have almost made a few emotion charged decisions that I talked through with someone I know. Someday I just wish that it was all a bad dream. A couple of Sundays ago I couldn't sing in church without starting to cry. I just except those moments when they come.

There are days that I either go for drives or I will extend my errands initially without realizing it. My bedroom and livingroom are not my favorite places because she used to be there and she isn't anymore. I just need to use her memories to help keep them a good place. I've done certain things along the way to feel right. A gift or two for others, I did the eulogy for her service. I do monthly support for Belize and the Dominican Republic, two countries that I have done humanitarian work with her encouragement supporting me.

I am glad that I was with her until the end.

The Youtube videos are the same video essentially but to different music, if you're interested.

https://youtu.be/-kotItoNCFw

https://youtu.be/beSKv4zDW6o

Thanks for asking how I'm doing.

Gilles

The two items in the frame are as follows:

- I found a lipstick dabbed paper in her purse and I call it my forever kiss from my forever love!
- While going through old cards, letters and emails I found an undated note that said "Don't forget how much I love you... Always. Love Darla"

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[zombelina]

I love the frame with the lipstick and note in it! Handwritten notes are such a wonderful keepsake. I watched the video. You have a very beautiful family. I am glad your boys are doing ok; it must be so hard to feel and express those intense and difficult emotions as a teenager. I am thinking of you all even though we haven't met.

 

[gnault]

I love the frame with the lipstick and note in it! Handwritten notes are such a wonderful keepsake. I watched the video. You have a very beautiful family. I am glad your boys are doing ok; it must be so hard to feel and express those intense and difficult emotions as a teenager. I am thinking of you all even though we haven't met.

Sure we have, through these posts and this forum we have met and share similar challenges. Pretend that we have met because you have seen what I look like.

Gilles

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[gnault]

Sure we have, through these posts and this forum we have met and share similar challenges. Pretend that we have met because you have seen what I look like.

Gilles

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She has a smile that I can't get out of my head. I'm reading emails from the year 2000 at the moment. We saved our letters and emails from when we first met and I was still in the military.

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