Am I 'darkly' demented?

[AndrewIrish]

I often have a fantasy(for some here I know is an unpleasant reality), but it kinda falls into the category of 'watching your own funeral' for me,which I also have a fascination in pondering in reverie...

I often fantasize on the drive to work, of having a TC AT WORK, just so people would understand me better... most probably think I have Tourettes with my 'myoclonic jerks' which are called 'episodes' at work... and my shakiness and people constantly asking me if I'm okay... some fearful, some shying away.... I almost wish if they saw ana ctual TC, they'd be more understanding of EPILEPSY - booom... burned in THEIR brain.... wipe away their assumptions of my intelligence and ability to work and prevail and strive..... I wish it would just so happen so they'd know it was something different then most of them have assumed, witnessed or known... and also, this is pathetic of me to admit.... but I'd crave the sympathy... I'd lavish in it like a dog thirsty for water. Is that a sign of theatrical or histrionic behavior or what? I'm a nutcase.

My Dad's an Epileptic Schizophrenic.... often days, I think I'm some kind of new and weird evolution of a mentality, some cross-wired gang of neurons which grew from a stem cell and coagulated together into this hogwash of circuitry and sinew....

 

[Chaz1]

When my Son had T/C at Grandmothers, extreme rare day time one I might add, went picked him up, his Uncle was talking the face off him when I got there (about himself I might add)..So I shut him up pretty quick....and let my Son recover in peace and when we took off, minute we was out of there, my Son said, there you go; now you know what it is "burned in THEIR brain" – I so get it, as does my Son

So no - you are not demented. Just don’t let the funeral or death become obsession, just dont….

You just looking for some damn understanding from the ‘outside’ world that yes, have E and if only you knew how fkín strong I need to be to not only live and manage life with E every day (walk a mile in my brain says u), and at same time holding same job down that they doing with no physical hold back……I say RESPECT to you AndrewIrish.

Just some of the alternatives my Son trying (fair play) to heal, balance, and release some of that energy and we got back pocketful to still try!

Total body cure with naturopath and ongoing now (balance organs with trace minerals and Chinese herbs (for brain) taken like 18 times a day, plus restricted diet so not easy but worth it yes.

Acupuncture, once a week and now Electro acupuncture, her goal = no seizures, just the fact that she thinks she can do it and will say that and my Son LOVES it (says its mega relaxing and immediate release of energy) I say hallelujah; we stick with it for a while.

Neuro-therapy/ bio-feedback ongoing now 20 months @ once a week, training his beta waves down, does this training with a physiologist and a real nice dud he can open up to and yes at times express how damn sorry he feels for himself, its like may I, yes you damn well may in my books!


Congratulations on your 5th anniversary here at CWE!

NO you are not demented

 

[masterjen]

Interesting thread. The three of you (including son of Chaz1) sound like very intelligent, NOT crazy people. My seizures are at night but destroy the next for me and can even leave me "off" the following day as well. But no one (except for my mom once) has seen one of my seizures for the very reason I have them at night. So for that reason no one really understands what happens. And therefore they don't get why I am the way I am for at least a day. So Andrew, I too fantasize about having a seizure in the daytime, with people I know. Just so they might finally "get it".

It is not anything horribly wrong; it is simply a misfire in the brain, but the consequences can be life-altering. Why is this so hard for people to "get"??

 

[petero]

often I'm "relieved" when I have a seizure because it makes it easier for me to believe I have them, but also because I sortof "enjoy" seeing the panic they cause people which is also really just a type of affirmation.
overall it's not worth the agony and mindfuck of them at all, but because they're such an elusive and weird phenomenon it is nice to get a sort of affirmation...
regardless of whether they do or not, to me generally it feels like people don't believe in epilepsy, or me, and in a way I don't believe it either, because it is a neurological disease and my "neurology" is what "I" am - so it's challenging for me to see myself, see myself as broken, especially when I never see myself "breaking" during my seizures, try to explain it to others... and especially when the only visual after-effects may be my wearing band aids. it's not like wearing a cast or something. I get the feeling people would think "band aids ... well I'VE worn band aids and it was not that bad :: therefore epilepsy is not that bad, in fact it is equivalent to wearing a bandaid = this guy is a whiny pussy"
but I don't get that effect for a while directly afterward a seizure
at least apparently there is a serious societal reaction to observing one.
my last one was on the sidewalk by the frontage road walking back to work with Quiznos. Apparently a stranger called 9-11 and my ICE on my bracelet (dad)... being on the frontage road made me feel like I was probably being thought of as some sort of homeless junkie to strangers... but at least when I started coming to I started noticing the flurry of reaction I elicited

 

[SlimBlue]

hehe yeah i guess it could be seen as dark, but demented? no.

i'd quite like to see myself have a t/c, everyone's always too busy freaking to record it even tho i remind my mates from time to time.

i was also glad to have a few at work- it really does cut through the bull and snide suspicion i'm somehow mlking the system with all my (low/none paid) mega time off.

and i've also fantasised about just what is wrong with my brain, many times. original cause is down as 'encephalitis' but they've never found any scarring- so i've often imagined crazy potential causes, as they seemed no more random lol

these posts have really got to me, great to know i'm not just nuts afterall, and neither are you