Anyone ever feel disabled?

[AndrewIrish]

Hey all,

I tried a new job today... working in a warehouse 'cuz im desperate for money... my shoulder couldn't lift the tv's and things... and that's the gift from my last tc 5 weeks ago which just keeps on giving... but they had codes and 'learning quickly'... I can't do it. If I take things slow and don't need to concentrate or focus, my jerks and migraines don't come on... but it's very hard for me to learn new things anymore.... pretty much impossible to learn things quickly... while others rush around me, I'll be standing still, dazed and confused, looking aloof... I can't focus anymore... i can't do physical labor right now... i'm feeling useless, no one is hiring... most days it's hard to simply 'eat', hard to hold a fork, as it shakes in my hand, waiting for the jerks... hard to coordinate my movements without bringing on the 'jerks'... people think me lazy or slow... but... they don't know this war in my head... they don't know how hard 'thinking' and 'acting' on what I thought is for me, anymore... I seem fine 99% of the time but people only look at that... they don't know what I have to do to keep up that image... i'm sacrificing my ability to learn, to physically do things... i have to orient myself away from objects and spillables because of the jerks... slow my speech and halt it.... but i look fine... i seem fine... people don't get it... i don't FEEL fine... i will never be able to consistently see a doctor, have access to meds... i just feel like surrendering you know? like i tap out, cry uncle... brain problems, you win! my brain is stopping me from being who i want to be...

 

[Cint]

Sorry you're going thru this, Andrew. I think we here at CWE all get it, tho, if it is any consolation to you. I hate hearing people say "you look fine" to me, too. Don't you wish they could walk in our shoes for jsut one week?

 

[AndrewIrish]

I think I'd cry if they could... if they knew I aspire to be able to hold a conversation without that 'pressure' building in my head.... to freely move about unencumbered by the jitteriness that's always shooting through me... it would be amazing if someone could truly 'feel' the impediment I go through... to feel like a lesser version of yourself... to be dulled, to be slowed... my parents and friends say, 'well just work at McDonalds' - I don't think I can. I can't coordinate movements, I can't be rushed, I can't rush myself... speech and eating are hard... it's hard for me, all the time, to tell my hands and body where to go... there's an electrical storm in my brain always, wanting some outlet to shoot out of and people don't get that... I'm an office worker... and most office jobs test your typing ability with a 'typing test' and alpha-numeric date entry test... those are huge 'TRIGGERS' for my jerks... i broke a mouse last time I interviewed in their office, scared the guy behind me 'cuz I kept having big jerks and slamming my hand into the ground and was on the verge of a tc.... i still got 57 wpm... i felt like a champion but i got brought back to the interview and started jerking as I talked to the lady and she looked at me strangely and said she'd call me later... I'm getting tired of the 'funny looks.' Like I'm some kind of crazed violent entity... I don't flop around violently for fun! I don't stutter and choke on my words and cock my head back and arms up, 'cuz that's what's all the rage... people are so judging... im tired of smashing things and throwing things and people going 'did you have another seizure'?' with wide-eyed fear on their face... and feeling stupid when it was legitimate clumsiness... i'm 'THAT' guy... the defective one... but they're right, I think... i was so scared today holding a boxcutter, opening boxes on an assembly line.... i looked around at everyone else, working and moving and talking and chatting and I thought, 'I wish I could...' and that's when I knew I couldn't... i don't feel safe with a knife in my hand... I used to read a book a day... now I can't read more then a paragraph without the jerks hitting me... it's progressed... used to read a few pages and be fine... then a page... now a paragraph... it's hard to learn things if it's hard to read! i want to stop driving, but I don't have a choice... I want meds but can't get them... want a doctor but no aid... i'm just fucked... i'm just straight fucked... i wish I was a single mother... or someone other then a miss-wired young man because no one gives a shit to help me and I can't help myself... i'm going to end up homeless soon, on the streets... begging for change...

 

[Belinda5000]

Hello Andrew,

not being able to drive has made me feel disabled, and that's one word I just don't care for when ppl throw it at me with my epilepsy.

 

[masterjen]

Don't give up, Andrew! There is bound to be some form of work you can do. You mention you can type 57 wpm; that sounds pretty fast to me. Any chance you could start your own business, which would enable you to work from home? For example, you could advertise your skills as a word processor to the various organizations and small businesses around, and put together their newsletters for them for instance.
What other skills do you have, and what do you like to do? Can you start up a business based on those things? Are you able to afford distance education so you can obtain a certificate or credentials toward a career? Even if it is one course at a time based on affordability, at least it is getting you closer toward a goal.
If those ideas are not to your liking, have you applied for disability? An "upside" of this is that the government technically doesn't like giving people money and would rather they work, so disability centers have resources available to help get people into jobs they are capable of handling (at least it is that way in Canada).

 

[Bidwell]

Hang in there, Andrew.

 

[Matthew74]

Andrew, I don't have jerks, but I can relate to being slow and afraid I'll hurt myself. I can also relate to the difficulty of looking "normal", and feeling like a wreck.

Some guys think they're the stuff and are jerks when your'e too slow or it takes you longer to learn something. They adopt a "do it, or get out of the way" gung-ho attitude that plays to their egos. I think some of it is that they are ignorant of what it is to struggle with their health, and some of it is that they are just being jerks. Another part is that they make whatever it is they happen to do (warehouse, carpentry, etc.) the measure of manhood. I don't really have a solution for you on that, but it might help to realize that they are being the way they are more because of their shortcomings than your own. You are probably working twice as hard as they are, even if you don't get as much done.

You sound to me like a guy that doesn't complain or make excuses. That's good. Other people should respect that.

I can also relate to only being able to get jobs that I can't do, or am not suited to. I could get a lot of jobs as a cashier, but I am terrible at it. I might be able to get jobs doing heavy labor, but that would be a disaster. I might be able to do shift work, ditto. It's really tough. You want to work, and can work, but can't find a job that you can do reasonably. On that I can only say that the best jobs I have had were working for one guy who liked me, could appreciate my strengths, and wasn't bothered by my weaknesses. It works out better all around for someone to put you doing something you are good at, rather than ignoring your talents, and putting you to do something you are just bad at. Even when you have to do a job you are not great at, a good boss can make it work.

If you have trouble with the knife, I would avoid it. You could mess yourself up permanently with one of those things. Loose a finger, do nerve damage, and stuff like that. If you have to use it occasionally, maybe you can get one where you can retract the blade most of the way. A lot of them go down to a 1/4 inch.

Things should get easier after you have been there for a while. If you end up having to quit, try to think of it like, "This isn't working out", rather than "I couldn't do it". Don't let them make you feel bad, always keep in mind they don't have the health issues you do, and if they did they probably couldn't hack it. I just try to keep in mind that if some people felt the way I do, they would be home in bed. Hang in there.