petero
New
- Messages
- 1,722
- Reaction score
- 0
- Points
- 0
coming to terms with having had a CPS in public? having adult-onset epilepsy I'm still figuring out my seizure types, which are usually tonic-clonic from what I hear...
but I've been lately trying to wrap my brain around the fact I think I had a complex partial seizure a while back that I've been having faint recollections of, perhaps fading in and out of levels of consciousness (does rapid cycling during a CPS offer various phases and degrees of recollection?).
What I'm beginning to "recall", almost like remembering a dream, but with more "dream-reality"... I have been mortified, horrified... I don't know what to think anymore, I can't seem to stop trying to figure out what "it" was, and the more I think I'm figuring "it" out the worse and worse I feel.
It has felt like I run into people to this day I may have "interacted" with during the seizure, as it feels like there is a "resolution" somehow, and it is just mortifying. I pass it off, because it isn't real, and I look at these events objectively, but the more often it happens, the smaller and smaller the world gets, because the more it feels like my psyche, soul, has been splayed for the world to see and tinker with.
I've been equating it to a zipper - wherein a "dream-reality event" has been floating around in my head as needing some kind of resolution, and then a reality event occurs, seeing a face, hearing a particular thing, and it's like "POP" of one more tooth of a long and undone zipper popping shut with its matching tooth.
But also it seems like the more this happens, which feels "right" because it is at least some sort of resolution, the more I realize so to speak that my zipper has been open... leaving me exposed, not my underwear, but like, the very underbelly of my soul in some bizarre way - in my actions and interactions...
I've also been suspecting that for during a period of this time frame people being idiotic may have mistaken me for drunk-tank material (I was in a public hospital ER at the time) and may have been messing with me, and may have been exacerbating my condition during this rapid-cycling in and out of levels of consciousness.
...and it feels more and more like people have been hiding these events from me, maybe to protect me, because in lump sum recounting these types of seizures to someone might be just too much to bear and comprehend, and lead to negative situations. Is it advisable at times to do this sort of thing with people when they initially have different and new seizure types, especially complex partials, "psychic" seizures, where they are "interactive"?
This makes sense to me, from a personal safety standpoint, as dropping too much onto someones mind all at once can certainly lead to negative results. But then again the more I consider this type of thing may be happening the less and less life feels like the real reality.
I had a bad seizure about a week ago and I've still been recovering from it, but also it (maybe each seizure I have to some extent) dredges up more of this "issue" that I'm talking about in this post. But this last one in particular - (what it has made me consider is that it was the same type/area of seizure that was active during this certain seizure, the topic.) - this one has been more "active" in terms of being relevant to these "events" that occur in reality, the ones I'm relating to this "zipper" concept.
I guess for one, I'm wondering if it's reasonable to think, or if it's an acknowledged precautionary measure, to hide "crazy" complex partial seizures from people in order to protect their minds? Especially upon initial onset of this seizure type. I'm still just trying to put 2 and 2 together and it honestly feels like it's making me go out of my mind, but I can't get the compulsion to "zip" from my mind.
At least this zipper analogy has given me a nice idea for an artwork. If life gets back to feeling relevant anymore I might actually get around to doing it.
but I've been lately trying to wrap my brain around the fact I think I had a complex partial seizure a while back that I've been having faint recollections of, perhaps fading in and out of levels of consciousness (does rapid cycling during a CPS offer various phases and degrees of recollection?).
What I'm beginning to "recall", almost like remembering a dream, but with more "dream-reality"... I have been mortified, horrified... I don't know what to think anymore, I can't seem to stop trying to figure out what "it" was, and the more I think I'm figuring "it" out the worse and worse I feel.
It has felt like I run into people to this day I may have "interacted" with during the seizure, as it feels like there is a "resolution" somehow, and it is just mortifying. I pass it off, because it isn't real, and I look at these events objectively, but the more often it happens, the smaller and smaller the world gets, because the more it feels like my psyche, soul, has been splayed for the world to see and tinker with.
I've been equating it to a zipper - wherein a "dream-reality event" has been floating around in my head as needing some kind of resolution, and then a reality event occurs, seeing a face, hearing a particular thing, and it's like "POP" of one more tooth of a long and undone zipper popping shut with its matching tooth.
But also it seems like the more this happens, which feels "right" because it is at least some sort of resolution, the more I realize so to speak that my zipper has been open... leaving me exposed, not my underwear, but like, the very underbelly of my soul in some bizarre way - in my actions and interactions...
I've also been suspecting that for during a period of this time frame people being idiotic may have mistaken me for drunk-tank material (I was in a public hospital ER at the time) and may have been messing with me, and may have been exacerbating my condition during this rapid-cycling in and out of levels of consciousness.
...and it feels more and more like people have been hiding these events from me, maybe to protect me, because in lump sum recounting these types of seizures to someone might be just too much to bear and comprehend, and lead to negative situations. Is it advisable at times to do this sort of thing with people when they initially have different and new seizure types, especially complex partials, "psychic" seizures, where they are "interactive"?
This makes sense to me, from a personal safety standpoint, as dropping too much onto someones mind all at once can certainly lead to negative results. But then again the more I consider this type of thing may be happening the less and less life feels like the real reality.
I had a bad seizure about a week ago and I've still been recovering from it, but also it (maybe each seizure I have to some extent) dredges up more of this "issue" that I'm talking about in this post. But this last one in particular - (what it has made me consider is that it was the same type/area of seizure that was active during this certain seizure, the topic.) - this one has been more "active" in terms of being relevant to these "events" that occur in reality, the ones I'm relating to this "zipper" concept.
I guess for one, I'm wondering if it's reasonable to think, or if it's an acknowledged precautionary measure, to hide "crazy" complex partial seizures from people in order to protect their minds? Especially upon initial onset of this seizure type. I'm still just trying to put 2 and 2 together and it honestly feels like it's making me go out of my mind, but I can't get the compulsion to "zip" from my mind.
At least this zipper analogy has given me a nice idea for an artwork. If life gets back to feeling relevant anymore I might actually get around to doing it.