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CQ:)
Veteran
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I Owe My Mother
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
"You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOUR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
And my favorite:
25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you !"
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
"You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOUR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
And my favorite:
25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you !"
CQ:)
Veteran
- Messages
- 4,592
- Reaction score
- 373
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- 198
What kind of a drinker are you?
6 beers?
2 glasses of wine?
2 bottles of wine - Shared of course?
too many margaritas?
3 Kamikazes?
7 rum & cokes?
1 large purple haze?
3 martinis?
1 bottle of tequila?
If you got a chuckle or smile,
pass it on to someone who loves animals too.
And even if they are not animal people,
send it anyway, this is too cute to keep to yourself
6 beers?
2 glasses of wine?
2 bottles of wine - Shared of course?
too many margaritas?
3 Kamikazes?
7 rum & cokes?
1 large purple haze?
3 martinis?
1 bottle of tequila?
If you got a chuckle or smile,
pass it on to someone who loves animals too.
And even if they are not animal people,
send it anyway, this is too cute to keep to yourself
CQ:)
Veteran
- Messages
- 4,592
- Reaction score
- 373
- Points
- 198
REMEMBER THIS AT CHRISTMAS TIME
According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December.
Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl. We should've known…... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.
A MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!
According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December.
Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl. We should've known…... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.
A MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!
BuckeyeFan
Grandpa
- Messages
- 1,956
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- 40
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- 173
Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer
A Russian couple were strolling down the street in Moscow, when the husband felt a drop hit his nose. 'I think it's starting to rain,' he said to his wife.
§'I don't think so, it felt more like snow to me,' she replied.
'No, I'm sure it was just rain, he said.' Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a minor communist party official walking toward them. 'Let's not fight about it,' the man said, 'let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing.'
As the official approached, the husband stopped him and asked, 'Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?'
'It's raining, of course,' he answered and walked on. But the woman insisted: 'I know that felt like snow!' To which the man quietly replied: 'Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!'
A Russian couple were strolling down the street in Moscow, when the husband felt a drop hit his nose. 'I think it's starting to rain,' he said to his wife.
§'I don't think so, it felt more like snow to me,' she replied.
'No, I'm sure it was just rain, he said.' Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a minor communist party official walking toward them. 'Let's not fight about it,' the man said, 'let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing.'
As the official approached, the husband stopped him and asked, 'Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?'
'It's raining, of course,' he answered and walked on. But the woman insisted: 'I know that felt like snow!' To which the man quietly replied: 'Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!'
CQ:)
Veteran
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The Irish Millionaire
Mick, from Dublin ,appeared on
'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire'
and towards the end of the program
had already won 500,000 pounds.
"You've done very well so far,"
said Chris Tarrant,
the show's presenter,
"but for a million pounds
you've only got one life-line left �
phone a friend.
Everything is riding on this question.....
will you go for it?"
"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"
"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?
a) Sparrow
b) Thrush,
c) Magpie,
d) Cuckoo?"
"I haven't got a clue." said Mick,
''So I'll use last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin ."
Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.
"Fookin hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple......
It's a cuckoo."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm fookin sure."
Mick hung up the phone and told Chris,
"I'll go wit Cuckoo as my answer."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.
"Dat it is, Sir"
There was a long - long pause, and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer!
Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!"
The next night,
Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.
"Tell me, Paddy?
How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"
"Because he lives in a Fookin clock!"
CQ:)
Veteran
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Fairy Story
Once upon a time there lived a king.
The king had a beautiful daughter, the PRINCESS.
But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.
No matter what;
metal,
wood,
stone,
Anything she touched would melt.
Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.
The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?
He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king,
'If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.'
The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan next day, he held a competition.
Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.
THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.
The first brought a sword of the finest steel.
But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted, and t he prince went away sadly.
The second prince brought diamonds.
He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt.
But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted. He too was sent away disappointed.
The third prince approached. He told the princess,
'Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.'
The princess did as she was told, though she turned red.
She felt something hard. She held it in her hand.
And it did not melt!!!
The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.
And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.
Question: What was in the prince's pants?
(Scroll down for the answer)
V
V
V
V
M&M's of course. They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
What were you thinking??
You know I wouldn't send anything rude
The king had a beautiful daughter, the PRINCESS.
But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.
No matter what;
metal,
wood,
stone,
Anything she touched would melt.
Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.
The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?
He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king,
'If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.'
The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan next day, he held a competition.
Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.
THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.
The first brought a sword of the finest steel.
But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted, and t he prince went away sadly.
The second prince brought diamonds.
He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt.
But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted. He too was sent away disappointed.
The third prince approached. He told the princess,
'Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.'
The princess did as she was told, though she turned red.
She felt something hard. She held it in her hand.
And it did not melt!!!
The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.
And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.
Question: What was in the prince's pants?
(Scroll down for the answer)
V
V
V
V
M&M's of course. They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
What were you thinking??
You know I wouldn't send anything rude
CQ:)
Veteran
- Messages
- 4,592
- Reaction score
- 373
- Points
- 198
Friends who enjoy a glass of wine...
And those who don't and are always
seen with a bottle of water in their hand.
As Ben Franklin said:
In wine there is wisdom,
In beer there is freedom,
In water there is bacteria.
In a number of carefully controlled trials,
Scientists have demonstrated that if we drink
1 litre of water each day,
At the end of the year we would have absorbed
More than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria
Found in feces.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poo..
However,
We do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer
(or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor)
Because alcohol has to go through a purification process
Of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember:
Water = Poo
Wine = Health
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,
Than to drink water and be full of sh*t.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:
I'm doing it as a public service!
And those who don't and are always
seen with a bottle of water in their hand.
As Ben Franklin said:
In wine there is wisdom,
In beer there is freedom,
In water there is bacteria.
In a number of carefully controlled trials,
Scientists have demonstrated that if we drink
1 litre of water each day,
At the end of the year we would have absorbed
More than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria
Found in feces.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poo..
However,
We do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer
(or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor)
Because alcohol has to go through a purification process
Of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember:
Water = Poo
Wine = Health
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,
Than to drink water and be full of sh*t.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:
I'm doing it as a public service!
CQ:)
Veteran
- Messages
- 4,592
- Reaction score
- 373
- Points
- 198
Curosity can be a driven force for some of us. Are your one of them?
If so, read this e-mail. Otherwise, delete and go back to sleep.
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you because you're not a monk.
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.
The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car.
That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply,
We can't tell you because you're not a monk.
The man says, all right, all right. I'm dying to know.
If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?
The monks reply, you must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.
The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have travelled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for.. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.
The monks reply, congratulations, you are correct, and you are now considered a monk ...
We shall now show you the way to the sound.
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, May I have the key ?
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone... The man requests the key to the stone door.
The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went on until the man had gone through doors of emerald,...
...silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, This is the key to the last door .
The man is relieved to be at the end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight.
.. But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
If so, read this e-mail. Otherwise, delete and go back to sleep.
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you because you're not a monk.
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.
The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car.
That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply,
We can't tell you because you're not a monk.
The man says, all right, all right. I'm dying to know.
If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?
The monks reply, you must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.
The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have travelled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for.. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.
The monks reply, congratulations, you are correct, and you are now considered a monk ...
We shall now show you the way to the sound.
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, May I have the key ?
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone... The man requests the key to the stone door.
The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went on until the man had gone through doors of emerald,...
...silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, This is the key to the last door .
The man is relieved to be at the end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight.
.. But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
BuckeyeFan
Grandpa
- Messages
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- 40
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- 173
:roll: *** shaking head ***
CQ:)
Veteran
- Messages
- 4,592
- Reaction score
- 373
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I'm sure we all wonder about these things some time in our lives lmao :roflmao:
- Can you cry under water?
- How important does a person have to be before they are
considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
- Why do you have to "put your two cents in," but it's only
"a penny for your thoughts?" Where's that extra penny going?
- Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing
the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
- Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
- What disease did cured ham actually have?
- How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out
it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
- Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby,"
when babies wake up like every two hours?
- If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
- Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
- Why do people pay to go to the top of tall buildings
and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
- Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They're going to see you naked anyway.
- Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
- Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast
to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
- If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why
is there a stupid song about him?
- Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?
- If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a
coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
- Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They're both dogs!
- If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap,
why didn't he just buy dinner?
- If electricity comes from electrons, does morality
come from morons?
- Do The Alphabet Song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
(Why did you just try singing the two songs above?)
- Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside
the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your ass?
- Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face,
he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride,
he sticks his head out the window?
Last edited:
fft: 
CQ:)
Veteran
- Messages
- 4,592
- Reaction score
- 373
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A New Bigger and Better Mouse for Women
After years of research, scientists have discovered that women do not like the standard mouse supplied with PC's.
Scientists found that there is no physical reason for their aversion; it is more of a Psychological problem.
Some women reported that their mouse 'just didn't feel right' in their hands.
Based on the research, a new mouse has been designed especially for women.
Various field tests have been carried out on the new design:
Jane from Hamilton said:-
'It feels so much better. More comfortable, more like how it's supposed to be.'
Wendy from Auckland added:-
'I think mice were originally designed just for men, but this new type is definitely made for women. It fits right in with my lifestyle.'
Susan from Dunedin said:-
'I took to it like a duck to water, every woman should have one!'
Tanya from Wellington said:
"It just feels so natural."
After years of research, scientists have discovered that women do not like the standard mouse supplied with PC's.
Scientists found that there is no physical reason for their aversion; it is more of a Psychological problem.
Some women reported that their mouse 'just didn't feel right' in their hands.
Based on the research, a new mouse has been designed especially for women.
Various field tests have been carried out on the new design:
Jane from Hamilton said:-
'It feels so much better. More comfortable, more like how it's supposed to be.'
Wendy from Auckland added:-
'I think mice were originally designed just for men, but this new type is definitely made for women. It fits right in with my lifestyle.'
Susan from Dunedin said:-
'I took to it like a duck to water, every woman should have one!'
Tanya from Wellington said:
"It just feels so natural."