feeling stupid

[petero]

I did quite a bit of club drugs in my past and drank a lot for many years.
every so often I get a helpless regretful feeling about my past and blame myself for my seizures.
I wonder if it might be more difficult trying to cope with the fact that I might be at fault for my epilepsy than it would be to just deal with the fact of having epilepsy.
it's a recurring theme
I'm doing all I can do now and haven't had a drink in what coming up nine years or something
I try to take comfort in the fact that at least once they've begun they aren't really "my fault" anymore because they've already built their magical bobsled tracks through my brain - sodium ant colony tunnels - or whatever

 

[Nakamova]

Peter --

Congrats on being nine years sober! Give yourself credit for making positive changes in your life, and don't waste any time with recriminations (trust me, that's a dead-end street). You aren't victim of epilepsy, and you sure as hell aren't a perpetrator either. Your seizures aren't your fault.

 

[petero]

nine years soon
it gets so hard to rationalize all of this
I guess there is no rationalization
other people did worse things than I have and don't have seizures
I guess we're just luck of the draw all around
yay

 

[Nakamova]

other people did worse things than I have and don't have seizures

Exactly. Epilepsy is not a punishment, although it can sometimes feel that way. We got dealt some lousy cards, that's all.

 

[Hand of Blood]

i know how it feels regrating things, because of my depression i am always saying i wish i could go back in time , or what if i done this and that, the main one is why!

but you cant blame yourself for it!

 

[huskymom]

Time to live in the day! As hard as it may be, the past is over, you have to let it go. Congrats to you for being sober for almost 9 years! That is an awesome accomplishment

 

[Havok]

I deal with my past regret by remembering it brought me to where I am. Also let me say that the drugs and alcohol may have brought out the underlying epilepsy, and didn't cause it directly. I'm not your doctor, so I don't know, but it's certainly possible. If that is so, then you could see it as you went through those bad times to come out a stronger person AND to begin taking care of your underlying epilepsy. Point is, smile and find the bright side.

 

[petero]

I deal with my past regret by remembering it brought me to where I am. Also let me say that the drugs and alcohol may have brought out the underlying epilepsy, and didn't cause it directly. I'm not your doctor, so I don't know, but it's certainly possible. If that is so, then you could see it as you went through those bad times to come out a stronger person AND to begin taking care of your underlying epilepsy. Point is, smile and find the bright side.

well said
having a drink now would sure help with an immediate sedative effect at times
I need to move to a RxMJ state - or CO, or WA now w/ their now full legalization

 

[qtowngirl]

Oh Pete, you're so strong and don't give yourself enough credit. You and I have talked about this before, and I'll tell you again... you didn't do this.
My epileptologist is one of the best in the country (Canada) and I brought this to her as well, had the same fears as you, and like I told you before she dismissed it immediately. I did my fair share of coke back in the day and definately liked the bottle - and she said 'no that's not what causes it.'
Epilepsy for most is an unknown, and if it's known it is a tumor, lesion, scar tissue, or something of the type. You didn't do it, and you can take that to the bank.
(((HUGS))).

 

[Cint]

I need to move to a RxMJ state - or CO, or WA now w/ their now full legalization

No you don't need to move here. How can it (mj) be legal in some states, but it is against the federal law? And our CO governor isn't for it.

"The voters have spoken and we have to respect their will," Colorado Gov. John Hickenlooper said in a statement. "This will be a complicated process, but we intend to follow through. That said, federal law still says marijuana is an illegal drug so don't break out the Cheetos or gold fish too quickly."