Happy as a Clam and Scared to Death at the same time

[AndrewIrish]

Okay....

Well, here's the deal.

I'm still awaiting a way to get some valproic acid I was rx'd but I've been living it up on a partial-fill of Ativan which was given to me by the doc's yesterday...

I am so happy and scared.

Happy because the last two days serve as the only couple of my days in YEARS, count 'em YEARS, I haven't had a single myoclonic jerk in the last couple days. To go from CONSTANT jerking to NONE - I could tap dance right now. I feel like a billion bucks on Ativan.

But they only gave me three days worth and the rest to pick up tomorrow... problem is... I took my 3 day's worth in a day and a half... I could feel them wear off quickly on me so I was taking them every...3-4 hours instead of 6... and I don't sleep much... lol

Point is, all this evening once my last 'jolt' of em ran out this morning... I've been 'craving' them. Badly.

I have an ENORMOUSLY addictive personality to begin with, was warned by the doc that Benzos were addictive and was just reading through a Benzo Withdrawal support group online...

I registered there and asked this question so I'll ask it here too.

I'm fairly resigned to the possibility of taking anti-convulsants(drugs) the rest of my life already due to the E, so even if I do get a tolerance and addiction to something like ativan, but it works for me, is that really a bad thing? That's the question I'm working with here... I tihnk eventually(and pretty quickly because I build tolerance to anything quickly) I'll hit a barrier where they won't up me anymore on dosages... so... I feel amazing, I feel GREAT right now, but already craving it, wanting that back. I feel it wean off, that feeling of 'ah, I'm just at ease right now' go away... and... I just can't wait to pick the rest up in a few hours and down a few like candies....

I'm wondering if I'm trading one demon(myoclonus) for another(drug addiction) lol.

Right now, for at least a short little while, I'ma stay on em, only 'cuz I've hammered out several chapters of a book I've been working on in 2 days, whereas it took me a month to get this much down due to the 'jerks.'

 

[acpollard2010]

i will tell u andrew that is not safe and there will be a point when it is too much i take that but i take it more to pull me out of clusters or t/cs and sleep i have no idea bro how u stay awake id be sleeping 16 hrs a day it does calm u but.when they give u other aeds u will see not the same ball game it will throw u into seizures

 

[frshbeat]

Andrew, I just responded to your other post about getting the Depakote. I thought you had already been taking it. Now I'm reading that your myoclonus was under control from the Ativan. Now I'm on track.

I think your intuition about this addiction is "spot on". And, acpollard is right on the money. There's a good chance that you could be setting yourself up for off the chart seizures.

Let's be honest. You just saw a new doctor, a GP, not a neurologist. He did time in prison for his medical malfeasance and just finished working at a Home Depot. Your in a tough spot and needed meds, and have to work within our ridiculous health care system. I know the drill.

It seemed like a financial situation that had you cornered into this decision, and there was an urgency to get your meds. I agreed that if you had no choice, then keep the appointment and follow through. Just go with a measure of caution.

I'm curious, since you had nothing to treat the myoclonus prior, and this Ativan was the first relief in years, where did the diagnosis originate and what led to your prognosis? What led you to this prescribed combination of Depakote and Ativan and, was there any other earlier drug therapy you'd been on?

As I mentioned in my other post, Depakote controlled my myclonus and changed my life. I also had to switch off of it after over 30 years. I can relate to the "Happy as a Clam", "Billion Dollar", super relief sensation. That feeling came from Depakote. But with the benzo's, perhaps there's a chance you're playing with fire, as you openly indicate, "Scared to Death". Benzos, as you probably are aware, are not heralded for there long term psychological benefits.

You might want to double check with a neurologist, not a GP, and verify the interaction of these two drugs. Also, you can explain to the pharmacist your situation. They can give you some pretty extensive information on the drug interaction, etc.