Hello and thanks for your help!

[gotland]

Hello everyone!

Less than two months ago I probably have spoken only once or twice the word epilepsy in my 27 years.
Everything has changed since a meet a wonderful girl which has been through e. since she was a teenager.

She decided in the beginning of the year to focus 100% on herself, which is understandable. Meaning focusing on her medicines, on trying to overcome her epilepsy together with her doctors. That is somehow a selfish behavior, since sometimes she says nobody can help her except her doctors and herself.
But since the last two weeks (yes, only two weeks) we have been dating intensively - talking about everything and sleeping together every single day.

It has become intense, but suddenly things changed. Maybe because I mentioned how beautiful would be if (!) one day would live together and she felt that things are now a bit out of control only because I have become more important to her than her epilepsy. She is trying to throw me away of her life to focus again on herself and on overcoming her disability.

I have read many comments in different topics here and my brain is starting to think she has the right to deal with it by herself, but my heart cannot let her go. I just can't lose someone that I like a lot. Any comments on what should I do?

Thank you very much!

 

[Howll]

Well, all you can really do is put your heart on your sleeve, tell her how you feel and tell her that the ball is in her court in regards to how fast or slow she wants to take things.

I'm a firm believer in "no means no", if she says that she doesn't want anything more from the relationship I would let her go, if you kept pursuing it, it may cause more problems for the both of you. I understand you may have strong feelings for her, but if it's not reciprocated then there's nothing you can do to force it upon her. Definitely do not guilt her into anything, that can be catastrophic.

Wish you the best with whatever happens!

 

[Porkette]

Hi gotland,

Welcome to CWE! I have to agree with Howll if your friend doesn't want to pursue
a strong relationship I would end it now. Time will heal and you will be fine. Wishing
you the best of luck and May God Bless You!

Sue

 

[Cint]

Hi gotland,

I say let it be for the time. Learn all you can about E, all the different types and what type she has. I think she is a bit scared of having a long-term relationship now. Scared of the unknown. Scared of being abandoned.

Years ago when I first started having seizures, I was engaged to be married, so was afraid I would be rejected. But he stayed with me. We got married had two children, and my seizures did get worse. We eventually separated, tho. So think it thru.

Check these websites for more info:
http://www.epilepsy.com/learn/epilepsy-101/what-happens-during-seizure
http://www.epilepsy.com/learn/gender-issues/women-and-epilepsy

 

[Frink]

Hi gotland,
Welcome to CWE.

I say give her what she wants, if that is time, space and freedom, give it.
If being by herself is the best way for her to deal with her epilepsy, let her go where she needs to be.

I wish you both good luck and happiness.

 

[masterjen]

Hi and welcome to CWE!

My view is a little different than some of those above. I do agree to dramatically slow down the relationship; maybe no sleeping together and the romantic dinners type of things, but she does need a friend. If she agrees to a friendship, don't be surprised if she only wants or makes a weekly phone call or something along those lines. If she agrees to becoming "just friends" for a while, it would indicate to me that she really isn't ready to let you go and that she just needs to focus on her health. As this friendship continues, you could consider suggesting meeting at a very casual and public place (eg. McDonalds) when you know she is going to be nearby anyway (such as after a doctor's appointment). Good luck!

 

[valeriedl]

I agree with masterjen about the relationship in general. When it's time to have a serious relationship with all the things that come along with it she'll know.

I met my husband about a year after I was diagnosed with epilepsy. A few months, and a ton of seizures later, he wanted to learn as much as he could about epilepsy so he could understand things better. He started coming to my neuro appts with me and actually asking my neuro questions about epilepsy and my seizures. Since he'd seen me have so many seizures he was usually able to answer some of my neuro's questions better than I could too. He wanted to know about my meds and if some of the things that were happening were side effects or if they could be caused by something else. He will make suggestions about doing things with my meds if he thinks things might be done. I have a VNS, which he helped me decide to get, and helps the neuro and I decided if any changes to the settings of it should be made. We've been together for about 12 years and I think he knows almost as much about epilepsy as I do.

You could let her know you want to do things like that with her. You could tell her that helping her learn more about epilepsy will help you learn more too, and I'm sure it will. She's going to be the one to make the final decision about all of this though. Don't push it or she will probably go away completely.