Hi, Firstimemom,
I'm so sorry you are going through this. It's just heartbreaking.
One thought before you give up the meds is to call your pediatrician or your local hospital and ask for advice on how to switch your baby to a bottle. The birth center where you delivered your baby may have a nurse advice line for new mothers.
There are also online resources:
http://www.breastfeed-essentials.com/offerbottle.html
http://www.babycenter.com/0_introducing-your-breastfed-baby-to-the-bottle-or-cup_473.bc
The thing about seizures is sometimes if they are not treated they can get worse. It's important to get them treated as soon as you can. Also, the quicker they are found and treated the better the odds that you will be seizure free for life. Untreated seizures over years might make the seizures intractable (untreatable) because a greater number of permanent changes will be made in the brain before the seizures are finally treated.
I have a question... the times you were just staring... did anybody tell you how long it lasted? Did your doctor tell you that you had absence seizures or complex partial seizures? It makes a difference.
An absence seizure usually lasts just a second or two when you just zone out, and it probably wouldn't endanger your baby much. A complex partial seizure is one where you still walk, talk, and act but it's really goofy and random stuff. That means you could say or do anything during the time you are not conscious, which could be up to 5 minutes (usually up to 3 minutes). That includes dropping your baby or putting her (him?) in the refrigerator, or stash her in the garden. Sounds wacky, but complex partials are like a person is on autopilot, but there are some serious bugs in the software.
If you are having complex partials and you are taking care of your baby, it may not be safe for the baby. You definitely want to get on the meds. If not for your own safety, then for the safety of your little one.
Another question - when did you have your first seizures? Is there a definite timeframe when people noticed they came on? Was it during pregnancy or after birth? If so a hormone imbalance may be wrecking havoc on your brain. It may have something to do with the seizures. Seeing your gynocologist and getting your hormones tested might be a good thing at this point. In some people, even seemingly normal hormonal changes for women bring on seizures or make them worse. If this is it, solve the hormone problem, solve the seizures.
About the English language thing. I get it to, but about the spoken word. Someone is talking to me and it just sounds garbled. I can't understand a word they say. It usually only lasts 30 seconds or so, but that's enough.
Tegretol.... I was on Trileptal which is a derivative of Tegretol. Some of the side effects are the same. One is depression. I was severely depressed on Trileptal. I cried a lot, felt unbearably hopeless and alone, and just not able to cope. If when you are on the Tegretol it gets that bad be sure to call your neurologist right away. He may switch you to another medication. Most don't get that side effect but some do. It's different for everybody.
Here's a link to the package insert for Tegretol. It talks about all the possible side effects:
http://professionals.epilepsy.com/medications/p_tegretol_pi.html
I'm going to be thinking of you. <<<<<BIG HUG>>>>>
You and the baby are going to be okay.