Help understanding my ex partners epilepsy

[richuk12345]

Hi, i was dating a girl with epilepsy for over a year and everything was fine she was fit free the entire time and i generally always looked out for signs that she was going to have a fit but she always managed to stay calm and avoid them.

Shes recently taking on a new role at the place we work, which she has been putting in stupid hours and working herself into the ground (her fits normally happen when shes stressed and tired). She had a hard week and got some grief from work and took some insults from her colleagues very personally and deleted her facebook because of it and then later in the week got sent home from work because she nearly had a fit. She then went on to tell me the next day that shes been unhappy lately and can't seem to get happy and has no inclination for sex anything physical and that she didnt want to make me unhappy to (which is rubbish as i was in this relationship for every part). So a week went on and she got very distant with me and vague and then stopped saying she loved me.

We met up later that week and she ended it with me stating the same reasons and she looked so run into the ground, we said we loved each other, kissed and hugged and i left. She is also one of these people who will not tell her manager at work that shes doing to much thus piling on her own work load.

She said i had done nothing wrong in this relationship, so im confused what actually to do with her, we've only spoken brielfy to her twice by text and said i would be there for her if she needed me, and got a vague reply.

I'm now wondering if anyone has had anything similar in their lives? As i really love this girl and want to be part of her life.

Can epilepsy really change someone that much in such a short time? I read depression also can be a part of epilepsy and she has the signs of that but im unsure.

Is there any hope for me to get back the women i love?I want to help her and be there for her and have given her space and time to herself over the last few weeks, she has an epilepsy appointment with her nurse in a week so im going to send her a message to wish her the best and see if we can talk about things after.

Any advise or similar experiences would be brilliant.

 

[acpollard2010]

A man its hard havin e and she might need it I just almost lost my wife of 5yrs yesterday and I believe a lot has to do with our pills they change us and u r spouses do act different the text before appt aint terrible but dont use the word fits its inaulting to some of us more like seizures or episodes just educating u man.

 

[richuk12345]

sorry, meant seizures and sorry to hear about your wife. Im just trying to figure out whether things will ever get better for me and her, obv if its the case that she doesnt want me anymore then i will walk away and wish her the best, i just don't understand the sudden change of feelings over 2 week peroid (our birthdays 3 weeks ago and everything was fine and normal) then she gets stressed and it just seems to esculate for her.

 

[Crash]

I think it is due to her seizures,its hard to explain just how low and isolated one can feel after a seizure,especially if you say shes been seizure free for a year.Also if she has suffered personal abuse over them.
Perhaps she may feel she is holding you back,or draggiing you down due to her epilepsy,i wouldnt give up on her she may open up a bit more especially once she has seen her nurse.
All i can really say is good luck to you and i hope you get it sorted out.

 

[Nakamova]

Was she on any medication? Sometimes the meds can cause very real changes in mood that take a toll on relationships. There is also the possibility that what you perceive is a sudden change is something that has been on her mind for awhile. Since you two work at the same place, it may have made it harder for her to tell you that her feelings had changed.

If you and she have the basis for a good friendship, you may get your questions answered, and the door may still be open for a relationship. But her current responses indicate that she wants some space right now. I think your best options is to respect that wish. You've told her you're there for her -- that's all you can do.

 

[richuk12345]

cheers, i know its about her and her medical problems and the fact i dont suffer from epilepsy means i can't understand what shes going thru i just want her to let me in and for her to understand im there for her no matter what, my only worry is that she wont actually tell her nurse everything as she gets funny that if she has to have time off work due to her epilepsy or shes ill at work that she'll get demoted (which they cant legally do).

 

[richuk12345]

she is on medication but i dont no what she takes. We were friends for a few years before we got together and she's always seemed happy until this incident. I dont no whether to just except the situation and run the chance of her not coming back into my life and let her go (which i really dont want to) or just always being ther for her if she needs me (which could be a unspecified amount of time). Is it not a good idea thento wish her luck before her appointment? i was going to suggest meeting up in a week or so just to see how she is.

 

[Crash]

Im not really sure,as Nak says perhaps you should respect her wishes,but on the other hand a brief text just to say good luck,shouldnt do any harm,but its your call at the end of the day.After all you know her best,hope all goes well.

 

[richuk12345]

i will respect her wishes and she hasnt said not to contact her as she did say wen we broke up that she still wants to speak to me, perhaps she just cant deal with a relationship right now, but im finding it stupidly hard to get on with everything without having her in my life and dont want to be an asshole and move on after a few weeks but i'll find it so hard just waiting on sumfin that may never happen again, i just wish her happiness in what ever happens

 

[Starfish]

Being in a relationship while you're having epileptic/seizure problems is stressful and difficult. It's also very embarrassing. You have something inside you that decides it wants to take over sometimes and mess with your brain and figuring out what is you and what is just ur epilepsy causing you to think differently is hard. Maintaing a reltionahip with someone while you're repeatedly having these problems just confuses a person and trying to deal with everything and everyone all at once makes you want to pull away from everything and fix yourself up. Being a girl that has had this problem, I think that once she has everything straightened out she'll be ready to resume your relationship. If you're willing to wait.

Hope this helps.

 

[qtowngirl]

Ditto Starfish.
It is so hard and a lot of the time (esp. when it comes back after being gone for a considerable amount of time) you literally don't know who you are anymore. This can cause depression and that will make her pull away even more.
Having epilepsy is an unbelievable bitch, and having to deal with it as well as a relationship, busy job and all the emotions that come with each can easily make you want to be alone as you don't know what to do with yourself anymore.
If she really does love you she'll figure that out, and if she meant what she said then it's best you know now. And I think wishing her luck before the appt. is great and will make you both feel better.
I wish you all the luck as well. I know being on the other side ain't no picnic either. When you ask about moving on I wouldn't worry about a big decision like that so soon, besides if you really love her it's not a conscious decision you can make, your heart will let you know when you're ready to let go. (((all the HUGS in the world my dear.)))
Keep us posted.

 

[valeriedl]

Stress is a huge factor with me to cause a seizure. If something stressful is going on in my life my husband and I know that the seizure is on it's way and all we can do is wait for it to happen.

When I started dating my husband I had my first seizure infront of him within a few weeks into the relationship and I ended up in the ER. My whole family thought he'd be leaving me because of how I am, but suppersingly he stayed around.

Have you ever been with her and actually seen her when she's had a seizure? She could be embarassed and afraid that once you see what happens she might be scared that you are going to go running away from her. I don't know what types of seizures she has but they sort of range from grand mals (where you are shaking) and ones that you just stare into space. Sometimes I'll drool during a seizure, other times I may talk but what's coming out of my mouth aren't words.

Has she put on some weight? I know with the meds I've been on my weight has gone up and down. She could feel fat and not want you to see her nude in the bedroom. She could think that since she's 'fat' that you won't want to do anything with her when you see her without any clothes on.

I'd tell her that you hope her appointment goes well. Maybe a few days after see if she want's to get together because you'd like to hear what was said. Actually talk to her about these things. If you have any questions or don't understand about something then ask her what it means. If she see's that you really want to know more about what's actually going on with her then she might realize it.

If she's stressed out try taking or out on 'stress free' dates or do relaxing things. Nothing fancy that she would have to spend two hours getting ready to do. Think of some things that she likes to do and go with that. Complement her on things, like how nice she looks in her outfit or the way she has her hair fixed. Little things like that can go along way.

 

[qtowngirl]

Very good points Valerie.
Some people really can't stand others seeing them seize, esp. if they are grand mals and/or if they have loss of bladder or bowel control during them. When how you feel about yourself changes, how you feel about many other things seems to go right along with it. Hopefully she just needs some time to sort her thoughts and feelings out.

Richuk, pls feel good about the type of boyfriend you are trying to be. Being very proactive and supportive is vital to our needs and lets us know no matter what you're in it for the long haul. My bf of close to 5 years told me recently that it's all too emotional, that he can't handle my emotions and doesn't want to deal with the epilepsy anymore.
Where does one go from there? Just know you're doing the right thing and whether or not you two work out you can carry that with you for life... when shit hit the fan you stepped up. I'm glad to hear she has someone like you on her side, not exactly easy to find.

 

[richuk12345]

Yea she has put a tiny bit of weight on and her weight still jumps up and down at time but not by much and i still tell her she looks great. Shes always really taken pride in how she looks and normally takes an hr and a hlf to get ready to go anywhere so perhaps she does have some self esteem issues as no matter how gd she looks she always says she looks rubbish. Ive seen have seizures before we dated at work but she never had a full blown one since we dated but she has looked dazed at times and started shakey once but managed to control her breathing. Im gna wish her luck on sunday before her appointment and hopefully she will open up bout things, regarding stress free dates im not really sure how to approach this subject with her as we havent really spoken much in last 2 weeks as ive been giving her space.

 

[Krista2882]

Keep us updated.

 

[richuk12345]

Cheers, will do, forget to mention (which is problem y im trying to get a resolve) but im best man for my best friends wedding on 1st june which obv she was invited to do and obv i dnt no whether she will b coming or want to come plus we booked a holiday to florida for oct but have only paid the deposit so far so thats also on my mind as will need to get that resolved!

 

[Starfish]

Having epilepsy is an unbelievable bitch, and having to deal with it as well as a relationship, busy job and all the emotions that come with each can easily make you want to be alone as you don't know what to do with yourself anymore.

Reading that made me smile because It lets me know Im not the only one that feels that way. I could not have worded it better if I tried.

 

[Crash]

Totally agree with that,sometimes we do give up a bit emotianly and withdraw.I guess its just to focus and recharge those emotion batteries,so we can get up again and get on with the next pieace off crap thats flung in our direction!!!

 

[qtowngirl]

Starfish: glad to make you smile!!

Neil: you're hilarious, thank you for the laugh!!