eudaimonia
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Newbie. Been reading a lot about epilepsy--unsure if I have it.
Hi!
Where to start... I am trying to figure out what happened ~ten years ago, over a period of about two years, that has permanently damaged my cognition and memory. Question: Do some or all of the things I describe below sound seizure-related?
In 2001 my father died and I became very depressed. I was in medical school and still managing to do alright. Then I began having cognitive/memory problems. I was also having a lot of neurological symptoms at the time. For example, I would be unable to pick up my leg for part of a day, then I would have a missing week (e.g. I would find out a couple months later that I had been traveling or had visitors and not recall anything). I was having occasional tremors and numbnesses. Once I flew to my cousin's wedding and was surprised a few months later to find out she was married. I had periods of profound confusion in which I could barely understand what someone was saying and all things in the room would look "deconstructed" and lose their meaning, and I would be relatively fine the next day. I had jamais vu in places I should know. I thought I was having strokes. But MRI and CT were clean. Could I have been having a lot of seizures and not known it, and could they have done this kind of damage? People sometimes noticed only little things like word slurring or ataxia.
The idea of seizures to explain this wouldn't have even occurred to me, but for looking at other parts of my life where I had "panic attacks" that in fact meet more of the criteria for simple partial seizures than for panic attacks. First of all, I had no particular anxiety. E.g. once I was walking, and a person turned into the hallway in which I was walking (startling, sudden movement in my visual field sometimes provokes these attacks (or bright indoor light)), and I felt suddenly the feeling of anxiety rising in my stomach, then my arms bent stiffly at the elbow without my volition, and I moved like a robot for a step or two, then couldn’t walk, I worried that I was grimacing, my ears were filled with white noise (~as if you put your hands tightly over both ears), my cheeks flushed bright red, and everything but the center of my vision turned gray, it lasted for maybe 30+ seconds, I had no unusual stress or anxiety leading up to that—I have had countless similar episodes. And other weird neurological events that pass in less than a minute.
When I was depressed I was diagnosed as bipolar II. Two years into the worst of my symptoms I was put on Lamictal (2004) for mood stabilization. And I didn't worsen cognitively after that. Over time there were subtle improvements or adaptations regarding my cognition.
I still have lingering, subtle to those around me, problems with short-term memory, organization, decision-making, concentration, abstract or multi-variable thinking. I don’t feel quite as fuzzy as I used to. Regarding memory, I still I have “new” ideas, only to discover I’ve already had the same breakthrough who-knows-how-many times. Also, I’m often half-way through a book, when I see notations I wrote in the margins, indicating I’ve read it before. I used to enjoy following and talking about current events and politics, but now I can’t remember enough details to keep up, so I don’t much bother with such things now. I haven’t been able to learn much new information in the last decade—luckily, I had read a lot before this change, and had acquired enough basic knowledge to get by. If I look up a word, it is unlikely I will remember the definition. To learn now I have to immerse myself and reread things multiple times, and I’m still likely to forget plenty. Poor concentration affects motivation, in that every time I try to turn my attention back to something (after bouncing around between tasks), and especially since I forget where I left off, I’m constantly starting over from scratch—so I give up trying. Have trouble organizing thoughts, even following lists (e.g. I forget I have lists or where they are), planning anything, executing anything with multiple steps, attention, problem solving, motivation (maybe due to difficulty with those things already listed?), follow-through (I lose track of my intentions and where I am in a process). I have trouble deciding the simplest things (which is annoying for my husband). While I’ve always had some concentration issues, I had always coped well—now I am much more ineffectual. I get overwhelmed by things (e.g. a couple minor, easy things to do) that would never overwhelm a normal person.
After the two years described above, parts of my personality had become diminished--I used to be highly creative, passionate, and laughed a lot (and it can't all be attributed to hypomania, or its loss to depression). I have not been the slightest bit depressed, or medicated (not even with Lamictal) since 2010 (I went off meds in order to get pregnant). I'm much more flat and dull now.
A couple months ago, I had the familiar near-panic attack feeling (rising in the stomach, white noise... and then chin/lip numbness). I also have these minor episodes in which I hear a sudden sound and immediately my chin and lower lip tingle for a couple seconds (could this latter episode be a reflexive seizure?). I don't remember if I had all these things while I was on Lamictal. They are so subtle and I'm so used to them. I do know that I mentioned the chin/lip thing to my doctor a lot when I was having the worst of my neurological/cognitive problems.
Luckily, I was able to give up my former ambitions, since I am incapable of achieving them anymore, and have been thrilled with and fulfilled by motherhood. There are many moments, though, in which I mourn who I once was.
Can all of this be related to seizures? If not seizures, then what? My cognitive problems seem to be too generalized for doctors to think stroke. I will be getting an EEG in a week.
Anyone relate?
Hi!
Where to start... I am trying to figure out what happened ~ten years ago, over a period of about two years, that has permanently damaged my cognition and memory. Question: Do some or all of the things I describe below sound seizure-related?
In 2001 my father died and I became very depressed. I was in medical school and still managing to do alright. Then I began having cognitive/memory problems. I was also having a lot of neurological symptoms at the time. For example, I would be unable to pick up my leg for part of a day, then I would have a missing week (e.g. I would find out a couple months later that I had been traveling or had visitors and not recall anything). I was having occasional tremors and numbnesses. Once I flew to my cousin's wedding and was surprised a few months later to find out she was married. I had periods of profound confusion in which I could barely understand what someone was saying and all things in the room would look "deconstructed" and lose their meaning, and I would be relatively fine the next day. I had jamais vu in places I should know. I thought I was having strokes. But MRI and CT were clean. Could I have been having a lot of seizures and not known it, and could they have done this kind of damage? People sometimes noticed only little things like word slurring or ataxia.
The idea of seizures to explain this wouldn't have even occurred to me, but for looking at other parts of my life where I had "panic attacks" that in fact meet more of the criteria for simple partial seizures than for panic attacks. First of all, I had no particular anxiety. E.g. once I was walking, and a person turned into the hallway in which I was walking (startling, sudden movement in my visual field sometimes provokes these attacks (or bright indoor light)), and I felt suddenly the feeling of anxiety rising in my stomach, then my arms bent stiffly at the elbow without my volition, and I moved like a robot for a step or two, then couldn’t walk, I worried that I was grimacing, my ears were filled with white noise (~as if you put your hands tightly over both ears), my cheeks flushed bright red, and everything but the center of my vision turned gray, it lasted for maybe 30+ seconds, I had no unusual stress or anxiety leading up to that—I have had countless similar episodes. And other weird neurological events that pass in less than a minute.
When I was depressed I was diagnosed as bipolar II. Two years into the worst of my symptoms I was put on Lamictal (2004) for mood stabilization. And I didn't worsen cognitively after that. Over time there were subtle improvements or adaptations regarding my cognition.
I still have lingering, subtle to those around me, problems with short-term memory, organization, decision-making, concentration, abstract or multi-variable thinking. I don’t feel quite as fuzzy as I used to. Regarding memory, I still I have “new” ideas, only to discover I’ve already had the same breakthrough who-knows-how-many times. Also, I’m often half-way through a book, when I see notations I wrote in the margins, indicating I’ve read it before. I used to enjoy following and talking about current events and politics, but now I can’t remember enough details to keep up, so I don’t much bother with such things now. I haven’t been able to learn much new information in the last decade—luckily, I had read a lot before this change, and had acquired enough basic knowledge to get by. If I look up a word, it is unlikely I will remember the definition. To learn now I have to immerse myself and reread things multiple times, and I’m still likely to forget plenty. Poor concentration affects motivation, in that every time I try to turn my attention back to something (after bouncing around between tasks), and especially since I forget where I left off, I’m constantly starting over from scratch—so I give up trying. Have trouble organizing thoughts, even following lists (e.g. I forget I have lists or where they are), planning anything, executing anything with multiple steps, attention, problem solving, motivation (maybe due to difficulty with those things already listed?), follow-through (I lose track of my intentions and where I am in a process). I have trouble deciding the simplest things (which is annoying for my husband). While I’ve always had some concentration issues, I had always coped well—now I am much more ineffectual. I get overwhelmed by things (e.g. a couple minor, easy things to do) that would never overwhelm a normal person.
After the two years described above, parts of my personality had become diminished--I used to be highly creative, passionate, and laughed a lot (and it can't all be attributed to hypomania, or its loss to depression). I have not been the slightest bit depressed, or medicated (not even with Lamictal) since 2010 (I went off meds in order to get pregnant). I'm much more flat and dull now.
A couple months ago, I had the familiar near-panic attack feeling (rising in the stomach, white noise... and then chin/lip numbness). I also have these minor episodes in which I hear a sudden sound and immediately my chin and lower lip tingle for a couple seconds (could this latter episode be a reflexive seizure?). I don't remember if I had all these things while I was on Lamictal. They are so subtle and I'm so used to them. I do know that I mentioned the chin/lip thing to my doctor a lot when I was having the worst of my neurological/cognitive problems.
Luckily, I was able to give up my former ambitions, since I am incapable of achieving them anymore, and have been thrilled with and fulfilled by motherhood. There are many moments, though, in which I mourn who I once was.
Can all of this be related to seizures? If not seizures, then what? My cognitive problems seem to be too generalized for doctors to think stroke. I will be getting an EEG in a week.
Anyone relate?
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