stepparents send ur thoughts...

[qtowngirl]

if you're a bio parent pls throw in your opinion (cuz woah do i need them), however us stepparents (esp. stepmoms) are in a hard, many times shitty, class of our own when it comes to parenting. this really hurt.......

4 months today since my last seizure, and in 5 days will be 4 months since my brain surgery. as it was part of my left hippocampus i was to expect memory issues which they thought would be mostly verbal. it does happen but isn't a major problem, yet, and is joined by a bit of short-term, nothing dangerous but it does suck. these issues have been discussed w/my stepkids, esp. son as we are alot closer.
he made something at school a few months back that has to be picked up (can't fit on bus) and has asked a few times for us to do so. i'm without my license and dad works out of town, so getting there before school closing is almost impossible. today i figured it out, a friend drove me, i put it in her car then we went for lunch. about 3 minutes after she brought me home it hit me that i forgot it. mad scramble but she was on her way to an appt and said she'd bring it tomorrow. crap i felt so bad. didn't expect tho that he would make me feel so low.
when he got home i sadly told him that i had a 'gap out' but my friend would bring it tomorrow. talked to dad and he figures going one more night without it isn't that big of a deal... 'and again i'm really sorry.'
he wouldn't talk so i had to ask, 'are you mad at me?' he said 'well yeah a little!!' and shit did he look it too. i kept my cool and AGAIN explained having part of my memory bank taken out makes me gap sometimes, 'i didn't mean to and i certainly feel bad about it.' he walked away.

i'm beside myself right now. had part of my brain taken out this is not my 'fault.' he's 14, not 4, and what i thought was mature enough to say something like, 'no big deal i 'guess' haha i can go one more night.' and we'd hug and go on with dinner.... fuck. i don't want to cry, i did not do this on purpose. i'm still in recovery and try to go out of my way for him lots. oh my. :crying:

pls send your thoughts... i don't know how to sit at dinner and look at his face, i feel like a bag of shit but am also very dissapointed in him. next move....??

 

[Nakamova]

I'm only an aunt so take all advice with big boulder of salt:

The world of the average 14-year old is very small, and consists of them, their needs, their superiority, their mood swings... Little things loom large in their distorted view. You can do everything perfectly, and still fail them because you are The Other. Your stepson is at the age when it's soooooo important to push away from the adults in his life, particularly the parental ones. As a stepparent you may be getting an extra dose of the misplaced anger that is the special badge of the adolescent.

So please don't feel like a bag of shit. You did everything right. Even folks without epilepsy or recent brain surgery have memory gaps and forget stuff. It happens, and adults learn to take it in stride. Teens = still learning. Give him another decade or so...

 

[qtowngirl]

thanks nak, a close friend and my bf said the same (though he was dissapointed too). he was told to apologize and tried backing out of his reaction, with 'i never said i was mad.' yes you did, own up to what you say.

i also get the same from others re: teens and how they're the only ones alive in their mind, selfish. out of three he's the most unselfish one, that's why it just hit me in the gut. mainly b/c i wasn't like that, almost not at all. thoughtful of others and what was going on in their lives, from a young child on. lol so nak what's the idea there? shrug at his action b/c they're all like that or pat myself on the back for being a rare person from a young age? haha maybe it was the damn lesion... born with it meant being born mature and giving well before my age... silver linings girl!

anyway i'm better today, but will def keep an eye on his attitude; we're not parents that allow their kids to act however and do whatever they want just b/c it makes them happy, aka they have to understand the reality of making someone feel like shit. yes 14 today but around the corner he'll be 20 and needs to learn consideration of the people in his life and people in general

 

[Cint]

I had my left temporal lobectomy when my own children were ages 5 and 8. Of course, I came out of surgery with memory issues, at the ages of my children at the time, it didn't matter much. But as they grew into adolescence, they noticed my forgetfulness (as well as my aphasia) more. One time I forgot to pick up my son from school. I would forget my daughter's band practices. Things like that. Would they be angry with me? Of course. My daughter even blamed me for her not being able to remember a word while out on their senior prom. She said she was trying to explain something and her mind just went blank, "just like you, mom. It was sooo embarrassing." And my son wasn't a piece of cake in his upbringing. Had quite a few problems with him in his adolescent years.

So it isn't just step-kids that treat you that way and want things their way. All kids are in their "own little bubble world" at that age. It is said that a child's brain doesn't mature until they are 25 years old.

Now my both of my children are out on their own. Both have finished college. My son turned his life around and went on to law school. Both know what can happen in life and learned how to deal with life's ups and downs. As my son now says about our life, "It is what it is."

Give your stepson time and space for now. Before long, he will be a fine young man and will learn the consideration along the way.

 

[Nakamova]

I think one thing to watch for is are they snarky with everyone or only at home, where they have the freedom (and the urge) to act out. If they are polite and well-behaved outside the home, that's a good sign. It doesn't let them off the hook for being rude at home, but at least you know they are capable of good behavior and are aware of it's importance.

 

[qtowngirl]

almost the opposite nak. yes at home is usually the only place, but they DO NOT have the freedom to do so. we're quite into discipline when it comes to being rude and disrespectful, and usually they act like they feel bad, but my educated guess as stepmom (bf's a guy and very absent-minded sometimes so misses ALOT of what happens at home) is that it's usually either fake just to shut us up or true but forgotten right away (which to me means teaching them how they make others feel has very little impact).
my specific issue is that they were raised (alot by their mom who is now deceased, hubby was usually out of town working) with very little 'consideration' skills. this goes back to me saying i get that teens are on average selfish, but c'mon, this is a bit much (i won't go into that part of it).
as stepmom the struggle is enormous, and i draw the line at treating me like that after i've risked my life. too low of a blow kid, too low. if he wants to be so selfish that him getting a tool from school is important enough to make me feel like shit (after i get a ride to pick it up for him but my taken brain made me forget it in their car), well....... that's beyond selfish in my books. and they're too old for me to raise them properly in my own way, which #1 would have been considerate, the way i was raised.

his dad was beyond, and hugged me all night and said over and over how much i do for this family. thank god he did, b/c i needed to hear that at the time.

 

[Nakamova]

I hear ya -- it does sound like your stepson was beyond the pale. I'm glad his dad understood and gave you props for being the good soul that you are.

 

[giveasmile]

he made something at school a few months back that has to be picked up (can't fit on bus) and has asked a few times for us to do so.

I don't think it would have mattered if you were bio, step, aunt, alien, animal or vegetable-- or if the thing had been left in someone's car, or run over on a highway. Any 14 year old that asked "a few times" is already mad whether he admits it, like yours did, or just stomps around giving attitude, face and/or silent treatment.

As Nakamova said he would not realize all the obstacles involved, recognize effort made, or empathize with the guilt/stress you might have already be feeling.

There is absolutely no reason for you to feel like that bag of shit you described. Even your friend who didn't have surgery forgot the thing was in the car. This stuff happens all the time. It's just unfortunate that it was after you went out of your way to make these arrangements.

You apologized and he just needed a chance for his 14 year old feelings to blow over.

As others said, the teen years are rough. I agree not to accept any discrespectful tone or language, but hormones and feelings are at peak. Sometimes saying what you have to say and leaving them be until their feelings blow over is just fine. The twisted facial expressions can be quite amusing when you don't take them personally.

 

[QueenieKP]

Your brain is acting out a little and so is his. The areas of a teens brain that control language, risk taking behaviour and consequences aren't fully developed and as another poster said won't be until about 25 (sorry about that).

I work with teens and they do some truly stupid things and when you ask them why and get 'idunno' they genuinely don't. He was upset annoyed his needs weren't met and he acted out. He probably feels bad about but lacks the maturity to say 'actually I was a bit of a twonk'. You sound like an awesome step parent - you just need to be gentle with yourself and patient with your teen.

http://m.bbc.co.uk/news/health-22510866

Q

 

[qtowngirl]

'a twonk'...... thank you for the laugh this morning queenie....... needed that after a rough weekend of kid behaviour. tbh i love the way britain'ers talk!!

and i get what you say about their brain. guess it just dissapoints me as myself and many friends around me didn't act like this. we were taught respect from a very young age. it's generally decided tho that this is a generation (i grew up in the 80's and it was soooo different) that is used to acting how and getting what they want, with alot of parents being too scared to properly discipline.... with the idea that if they do they'll lose their kids, kids will take off etc.
i'll do my best but just don't think the same as prior brain surg.... i don't need the stress anymore, ya know?!

 

[QueenieKP]

I was awesome but even I can recall being moderately horrid. Thinking my mum was a cow for not letting me paint my bedroom black (so I covered the entire room with black bin liners). I was ocassionally lippy, fibbed where I was going and did numerous stupid things negotiating childhood to adulthood.

Luckily nothing too stupid. But you never truly appreciate your parents, the sacrifices, the hell you put them through and how ungrateful you were, until you have a couple of kids of your own (or take on others).

Do not stress you are doing the best you can and if things get frantic can I recommend 'How to talk to teens so teens will listen and listen to teens so teens will talk' by Adele Faber

Q

 

[qtowngirl]

have one similar, thanks
a ton more to this than fits this particular thread, i'll send ya a msg later.

and i'm with ya, i rebelled for about a 6-month period and lied about where i was going etc., but other than that time frame was always thoughtful (may have something to do with being more mature, i hear that about only children all the time as we spend most of it with adults, true for me for sure).
he especially was raised as silver-spoon and didn't have to try to get/do anything, and as i would have raised mine completely different it's a common issue here. bleh.

 

[QueenieKP]

Question for you, what's his emotional intelligence like? I often fine boys especially early teens do have problems with the language of emotional intelligence. I don't want to get all gender political but boys often show they are sorry rather than say it.

My son is nearly 19 when I had very bad kepprage he wouldn't sit and talk about my feelings. But he'd make me a cuP of tea. I don't know if we particularly equip our boys to talk about how they're feeling.

They're is probably still a lingering binary opposition about woman think / talk / feel and men think / act / do.

Q

 

[qtowngirl]

actually it's surprising how mature he is that way, for being 14 and the youngest. he is more mature in most ways than his older brother and sister (he's 17 and she's 15) and always shows more emotion. she is completely cut off, all the time unless it's something she REALLY cares about. not right after my surgery or up until now has she once asked 'how are you?' that's unbelievable to me.

anyhow, his emotions are good for 14 and he is always ready to talk if there is something wrong within the family etc. this is all why it surprised me so much, it is so unlike him. i have a few ideas (tho none of them are near excusable as to why he did this), but i'll e those like i said.

thanks for trying to help me figure it, and i couldn't agree with you more (as i'm sure almost anyone would) re: we think/talk/feel and men think/act/do. really shows time and again how different we really are.......

 

[QueenieKP]

I could talk about raising boys for hours, girls wouldn't have a clue, other than having been one.

I remember all of my sons mates would poor the hearts out to me (being a profesional yoof worker an all) and he would roll his eyes and hmpt and say 'I don't ask your mothers about condoms' (thankfully they were a little older than 14).

I mean stressing over a little thing might be his way of dealing with the big thing of your surgery. It's a lot easier to release over a forgotten 'thing' rather than go 'OH MY GOD YOU'RE SURGERY WAS TERRIFYING AND I AM NOT ENTIRELY SURE WHAT MY EMOTIONAL RESPONSE IS TO IT' (capitals for effect).

I had a psychotic break ran away from home and was staying with a friend. I was desperately trying to hide that I had mental health issues from my son who would have been about 15 when I finally came clean he said he thought the secrecy was that I had cancer. I felt awful, I guess what I am saying is keep the dialogue open.

Q