Who's right?

[valeriedl]

My husband has a son to his exwife. His son is in his early 20's, has a part time job and still lives at home with my husband's exwife while he's going to college.

We've taken him to many concerts, sports events, out to eat etc... Any time he needs money for something my husband gives it to him and I've even given it to him if I have the money to. We aren't rich by any means but if he needs it or we can do it we try to help him.

This isn't what I have a problem with. He always says thank you and he's a very nice kid. These are all things that my parents did for me when I was that age.

What I would like is for him to come over and help do things around the house sometimes. We have alot of trees with alot of sticks that fall. We have a tractor and trailor that we use to pick them up. Also we need to use a weed wacker around the house at times. My husband won't let me use it and he has back problems so it kills him to use it. I told him to ask his son to come over and help us with some of these things but he said he wont. He told me that his son has stuff to do at his exwife's house and he shouldn't have to do things here too.

One thing that I'd like him to come help with is that we are going to be painting our living room sometime this summer. It has wall paper on it that needs torn down and then everything that comes along after that is done inorder to paint it.

I even said it to his son once when he was over that it would be nice if he would help because of all the things that we have done for him. He just laughed at me, I don't think he thought I was serious.

When I said said to my husband that he should tell his son to come over and help with this he told me - no, I'm not asking him to do it, we can find someone else that will help us.

Who do you think is right in this argument?

 

[Bernard]

I'm sure your husband has his reasons for not pressing the son for assistance. If the son were fully mature and responsible, he would be asking you both if there are things he could do to help out when he could IMO.

That said - when I was in college, I considered it my initiation into adulthood - a break from living at home. I didn't go home every weekend to mow the lawn and help out my parents with odd jobs/chores. I was busy exploring life's rich pageant and figuring out who I was and my place in this world.

 

[valeriedl]

I forgot to say that he's done with his first 4 years of college and will be starting graduate school in the fall (his son is turning 24 soon). He won't be taking as many classes. I do understand that there will still be classes to take and studing to do. He will still be living at home during this time.

It's not as if I want him to come over and mow the lawn or clean the house once a week, only when there's something he can help with.

 

[Cint]

My husband has a son to his exwife. His son is in his early 20's, has a part time job and still lives at home with my husband's exwife while he's going to college.

I told him to ask his son to come over and help us with some of these things but he said he wont. He told me that his son has stuff to do at his exwife's house and he shouldn't have to do things here too.

When I said said to my husband that he should tell his son to come over and help with this he told me - no, I'm not asking him to do it, we can find someone else that will help us.

Who do you think is right in this argument?

I agree with your husband. If this is your house (and your husband's), then why should his son be helping you out at this phase of his life? Plus, he sounds like he has plenty to do with going to school, working part time, and helping his mom out with the up keep of her home where he lives. And as Bernard said, he is trying to figure out who he is and what /where he belongs in this world.

 

[mel239]

Ive got twin boys that are 21-one lives with his dad since he graduated and works at fast food places and I always give him money when I see him for the holidays and cookouts and such and his brother is a senior in college that works summers and lives here that i still support-pay on college books and extras and insurance,gas, phone, and i still slip him cash when he is short.I buy both these boys nice gifts for birthdays and Christmas.I do this without any expectation-however I give them first chance if there is work or babysitting that needs to be done and i pay them separately for that the same as I would if I hired the boy down the street.I grew up with gifts and attention based on which one of us kids did more for my parents and I swore I would not do that to my kids-so other than their personal responsibilities-I treat everything else as a job and if my own kids arent interested in the extra cash,somebody else is

 

[lureswinger]

My wife has three sons to a previos husband but they all have an unwritten understanding that after all I have done for them all I have to do is shout and they will all be here like at the moment I am in hospital after this accident and these three have joined forces to help my wife with anything she needs which is why she spent £60 last nite on sending the three of them and a friend to the cinema to say. Thanks for all their help

 

[valeriedl]

I'm sorry but I just need to vent about him again, and remember he's 24...

He won't put his stupid cell phone away. Any time I am having a conversation with him he's always got to pull the thing out several times and do what ever on it. Even when he just comes over to the house to spend the afternoon with us.

My husband and I took him to a concert last night. Before the main act came on we got something to eat, I started talking to him and next thing I know he starts pulling out his phone. My husband was talking to him with me and the phone comes out then goes back in his pocket and then comes out again etc....

The worst part that wanted to make me step on the thing and crush it was during the concert I look over and he was playing a game on his phone while the main band was playing!!!!! Turns out he was on the internet on the phone playing it with someone else. We paid for his ticket too. He said he really didn't know the songs the band sang so that's why he was playing on there.

I didn't know a single song the band played either but I watched the band and did some dancing too. I told my husband that if he doesn't learn put the stupid phone away when we take him places then we are going to stop taking him.

My husband says that he took him because he got a divorce with his wife when his son was young so he wants to spend as much time with him any time he gets. Now tell me, with his son being on his cell phone practically the whole time doesn't really seem like spending time together to me!

Sorry I'm just so ticked off about this I really needed to let it out!

 

[Bernard]

Contains rude language:

 

[valeriedl]

Thanks Bernard, I love that!!! The scarry thing is that may have been someone who was in the movie theater at the same time as me when I went to see a movie.

I think I may have gotten some people thrown out because they are always on their cells. Right before the moive on the screen it always comes on and says "Turn off your cell phones" I guess those people don't know how to read? Hope those movies don't have subtitles in them or they'd be screwed!

 

[msuder0583]

I am in my 20s and I am enrolled in college. My parents are divorced and I live with my dad and his girlfriend cause at this point for obvious reasons I don't wanna live by myself. And my mom and her boyfriend live about half an hour away. See, the thing is, both my mom and her boyfriend understand that I am busy and since I don't actually live with them I am not obligated to help around their house. However, because they do alot of things for me, when I come up I always ask if they need any help with anything. So I do agree with you to an extent. I don't think him helping out would kill him but just because you may ask and he says no, I don't think he is obligated. Even though you do many things for him, unfortunately.

 

[valeriedl]

Thanks msuder0583. It's not as though I wanted him to come over and help with things every day while I sit there and tell him what to do. He know's his dad has problems with his back and he just recovered from cancer. It would have been really nice while his dad was going through all the treatments if he would have helped us with some things because his dad really couldn't do a whole lot. I guess your parents taught you how to act alot better than his did. My parents did the same thing with me as they did with you. My grandparents live next door to me and they do just about anything I need for me now since I have epilepsy. They are the ones that usually take me places, even dr appts sometimes and my grandma always gives me money when I need it. When I try to pay her back she won't take it. Any time I talk to her, on the phone or at the house I always ask her if they need help with something. If I see them outside doing something I hurry up and put my shoes on and get out there and help them do what I can.

The thing that really gets me ticked off the most is that he won't put that stupid cell phone down!!!! As I said just because he's over here all day with us, or even when we go out places, he's always on that thing texting someone, playing games or on the internet. In my opionion that isn't spending time with us, it's just having his body there but not his brain!

He's one of those people who has to live out his whole life of face book too. He's going all over the place - sports events, concerts, resturants etc... But he never has any money! Wonder why? I know these things aren't cheap, gas to get there, parking, ticket prices and so on, I don't think he's just walking up to the door and the places are letting him in for free and feeding him for free.

Even when my husband calls him he asks my husband why he called and didn't just text him to talk? Do people know how to actually "talk" in person to each other any more or is this something that they have started teaching in school since I graduated?

 

[msuder0583]

well speaking as a young person around his age, and pretty much in the same situation, i HATE FACEBOOK. the only reason i have an account is for friends who i havent seen in a long time to be able to look me up, and then i can talk to them. but i never get on and like type what im done 24/7 and i think thats what you're referring to as in what he does. and with him being on the internet on his phone- you can also access facebook from your phone so he's probably doing that as well. its just a shame that he doesnt want to spend anytime with his father or you. i think there will be an event that will happen in his life, however that will open his eyes. because i will admit i used to be like that until my grandfather died, and i saw how my dad regretted not spending enough time with his father, and i wouldnt want to live with that regret. so maybe the same thing will happen with him. as far as the texting, its much easier for just short messages but i wouldnt wanna have an hour conversation with just texts. especially in maryland cause its illegal while you're driving.

 

[stilldancing_98]

I see know reason to do the work. It teaches them good work ethics. My nephew does is for my Mom and me. We pay him. You work hard, you get what you work for , satisfaction, money , and appreaction of the whole family.

 

[Endless]

Valerie,

My neices are just like that. Their phones are a permanant part of their left hand. They text constantly. If I want to reach them the only way to do it is to text them. They won't answer phone messages. I don't have a facebook account any more so that's not an option, either.

It's like kids now are losing the ability to carry on a meaningful conversation. It shocked them when I sat them down at the table to share the same dinner meal, and actually talk about our days. Only one of my neices is willing to do chores, for free or for pay. They work hard at school/studying, but that's it. They are in for a rude awakening later in life.

 

[valeriedl]

I actually have friends that are my age, 35, who are like that Endless. I'll call them and will leave a message, sometimes getting a call back and sometimes not, but if I text them I get a reply back almost imeditaly!

When I was in college I still lived at home because I couldn't afford to live on my own, I did have a job but what I made wouldn't have been enough money to make it on my own.

My parent had me pay rent, $100 a month which my dad saved for me and gave it to me when I moved out. I had a list of things that I had to do around the house every week. I was on my parents car insurance still but I had to pay my share of it. I had a cell phone in my name and I had to pay for that. This was before text messaging came out so it was used to TALK on.

When I moved out I pretty much knew what it was going to be like to take care of a house, just more expensive.

When I was diagnosed with epilepsy they let me move back home, I knew they would. He didn't have me pay rent because I really didn't have any money coming in at that time because I couldn't work but I still had things that I had to do around the house and anything that was in my name, the cell for example, I was responsable to pay for.

I've offered to pay him to come over and help with things around the house, plus I'd say we've taken him to close to 10 sporting events and concerts so far this year, paying for the ticket, driving, parking and the food that we eat there, I know we are going to be taking him to even more.

We even took him to one show and told him all he needed to was drive, we'd pay for everything else. When we started driving down the road he said he needed to get gas but he didn't have any money to get it. My husband got mad about this and started to talk to him about what we aggreed about on going to this show. His son said he had some money but if he used it to get the gas he'd be broke. I slipped the kid $20 that my husband didn't know I did. Turns out my husband gave him money to get us food, when he came back with the change my husband told him to just keep it (not sure how much it was), he made out that night.

I just think it would be nice for him to come over and help with something once in a while.