48 hour EEG

[sassi]

Well, it's coming to an end today, 1:45 pm to be exact. I'm kind of worried they won't find anything on the scan and they'll think I'm being melodramatic or something. I haven't been able to talk to my neurologist about what happened on Friday and it'll be a week before I hear anything back. I can just feel that feeling of being upset when you find nothing out. It's no better than finding something out because it's just haunting you, like it's playing games. I've kept away from alcohol, caffeine and I'm trying my own sleep deprived EEG but it's not working, it seems. I'm just exceptionally tired and my eyes burn and my head hurts. I've had a constant headache since Friday, it's been up and down with minor episodes that I've had since.

The one thing I'll be glad of is not to have to be electrode-head anymore. These things are kind of itchy and sleeping with a bag of wires isn't all that fun either but I'm so tired I can sleep with almost anything now.

I have a lot of things to discuss with my neurologist; an episode I didn't tell her about because I was too scared to admit that something might've happened. I woke up around June from a nap and was confused like the time in January. It wasn't as bad, the confusion (not knowing who I was), but I was so sleepy even after that nap and I don't know if my head hurt. I think I took another nap but I don't remember back that far. I was too scared to admit that the medication might not be working right and now I feel like it's landed me right here where I'm at. I'm not sure what that means for everything else but I'm hoping for some sort of answer. I want one so bad and the reality that I won't get one is ever present.

My dog's stayed with me, right beside me, the entire time I've been home with this EEG. She's been following me like a tiny shadow ever since Friday's seizure, like she's scared I'm going to go away from her like that again. I don't know if she realizes I didn't know who she was, I couldn't call her by name. That makes me so sad. I've had her since she was 9 weeks old and then I go forgetting her name and everything else in my life. It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it.

The only "good" that came out of it is my dad believes me now. Prior to Friday he kept saying "if it's making you this tired maybe you should come off the medication" and after about two times of this I stopped arguing. I hate that it had to come to that but I'm glad he isn't trying to consider me coming off of the medication anymore. Although I wonder what they're going to do with my medications now, if anything. She said she wanted to go up on the topamirate (generic of Topamax) and I'm at 100 mg already. I'm dreading that... I thought at first it was the topamirate making me confused but now I wonder if it's not seizures? I can't tell because I'm already super sleepy and not all my seizures were accompanied by a headache but I get headaches more often than I thought I did judging from my headache journal.

Ugh, I'm just so worried I won't get any results back from this EEG and I had to wear it for 48 hours and all this being electrode-head isn't fun. I'm going to go back to cuddling my dog and trying to stay awake. This got a lot longer than I had anticipated.

 

[sassi]

I got the leads off my head and now I'm to wait a week before I can get the results back and I'm going to have to fight myself not to call and pester my doctor and alternatively fight not to ignore her phone call when she does call me with the results. I'm nervous. I don't want it to be negative because I don't want to feel like a hypochondriac and my worst fear is they're negative so that I can go on with my denial at times ("oh they're getting better!" "oh that episode wasn't that bad, no big deal!") then I end up having another Friday and it'll take another year off my life or more. At the same time I don't want it to be positive because I don't want to have the concrete results, I'm just so mixed up about this. I hate waiting, it makes my stomach churn.