becoming a radical individual

[mylo]

more than i already was anyway... haven't been on here in a few days or so. life was going amazing, got a new tattoo, best time ever with my girlfriend, etc, then it hit me as to why she loves being on my facebook so i asked to see hers.

we had a bad time a few months back when we started where i kinda flirted with another girl, well it turns out during that time she flirted with a bunch of guys and didn't care much for me either. at the time i was totally high off my mind (i know, bad decisions) off phenibut and clonazepam (4.5 g phenibut/4 mg clonazepam) and i just got so incredibly angry, it only got worse when i saw that she sent some guy last week little kitty stickers and stuff although she wasn't really flirting (i see that now). and i held a 3 day grudge against her where i went and got revenge.

one of the things that made me mad is that i wasn't allowed to talk to people of the opposite sex according go her, and i followed that rule, yet she could freely break it apparently.

anyway after 3 days of fighting i finally forgave her. scary part was seeing how i overreacted to this scenario.. i had a .22lr pistol to my head two days ago and was thinking about just taking all the clonazepam i had in my prescription left (a LOT, i have the 2 mg wafers) and pull the trigger.

well regardless i feel so hurt right now, i'm barely recovering, barely feeling alive again. this girl she used to babysit got run over yesterday so i had to comfort my girlfriend up until 2 in the morning last night then again at 5 am, which i think helped me feel close to her again... she's out with her sister right now and i'm just sitting here with nothing to do as always...

actually feel like getting another tattoo...

anyway, what i got out of the experience for me was that i remembered all the loved ones in my life who've passed away, so i took the initiative and created a facebook page to provide positive news for friends, to show them a side of things that the media doesn't cover.. starting to night even though i'm not religious (i consider my buddhism more of spirituality than a religion), i'm going to go and help out some church with their youth group camp.

going to see if there's anything i can do to help people out from now on.

i'm deeply hurting down inside and i don't believe that helping someone will bring back good fortune for me, but i want to pass on a positive message. i want to feel happy THROUGH other people... i know i'll get better soon as will my girlfriend who's still mourning over the loss of her little 6 year old friend...

 

[Janus]

Mylo, I applaud your honesty and courageous self-insight (does that sound really cheesy?) Its just what came to mind and not that eloquent right now. I am a Buddhist and feel the same way. And thought what you said about being of help somewhere is perfect! That has helped me so much in times of trouble; even though i realize I am doing it to help ME feel better, it really makes a change in me and how i see things. So its a win/win situation! Getting out and doing something gets my mind active and 'helping' makes me feel lots better. Everyone can look back at times we wish we had chosen different actions so no point in carrying a guilt trip or anything. Cool choces being made now; and let us know how it turns out. If you get a tat, what will it be?

 

[mylo]

sorry for the late reply, i've been trying to keep my head in the clouds

i recently got "One Love" on my upper right shoulder, about 5 days ago.

thinking of simply adding some color maybe if i decide to

glad to see another person with similar beliefs. i tried for my girlfriends sake to become a christian but with my anxieties and seeing all the stuff going on (it was a pentacostal church) i went mad. religion is not for me... i'm sticking to spirituality..