CQ's :)

[CQ:)]

The Importance of walking

Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old
to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
home at $2,000 per month.


My grandpa started walking
five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old
and we have no idea where he is.

I like long walks,
especially when they are taken
by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking
is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning,
before my brain figures out what I'm doing...

I joined a health club last year,
spent about 250 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there!

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

I do have flabby thighs,
but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day
is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, he looks good doesn't he.'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise
the last few years,......
just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older,
because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it..

AND

Every time I start thinking too much
about how I look,
I just find a pub with a Happy Hour
and by the time I leave,
I look just fine.

You could run this over to your friends
But just e-mail it to them!
It will save you the walk!

 

[CQ:)]

 

[lonnie]

I wish somwone were here to hear me laugh

 

[CQ:)]

I was in the six item express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, 'So which six items would you like to buy?'

Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?

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Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. 'Young man, we're both 90 years old, ' the husband said ..'We may not have 45 minutes.' They were seated immediately.
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The reason Politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would 'hate' to have to make a living under the laws they've passed..
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All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
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Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea..
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Three friends from the local congregation were asked, 'When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?'


Artie said: ' I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.'

Eugene commented: 'I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives.'

Al said: 'I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'
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Smith climbs to the top of MT. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord... 'God, what does a million years mean to you?'
The Lord replies, 'A minute.'
Smith asks, 'And what does a million dollars mean to you?'
The Lord replies, 'A penny.'
'Smith asks, 'Can I have a penny?'
'The Lord replies, 'In a minute.'


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A man goes to see the Rabbi. 'Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.'
The Rabbi asked, 'What's wrong?'
The man replied, 'My wife is poisoning me.'
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, 'How can that be?'
The man then pleads, 'I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?'
The Rabbi then offers, 'Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know.'
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?'
The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, 'Take the poison'

 

[CQ:)]

Do you have an I Phone? Beware of the deadly auto- correct when writing text messages!!!

 

[CQ:)]

 

[CQ:)]

 

[seizingbeauty]

OMG I'm at work nearly fell off my chair. Thanks!!!!

 

[CQ:)]

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?
(I have actually wondered that myself)

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If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?

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Why do croutons come in airtight packages?
Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

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If people from Poland are called Poles,
then why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

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If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

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Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?

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If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

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If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted,
musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed,
tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

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If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? ?


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Do Lipton Tea employees take 'coffee breaks?'


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What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
(I have wondered this for years!!!)

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I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks,
so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?

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Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them?
Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so
the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

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Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive?

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If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

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Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?


Now, stop laughing long enough to forward this onto somebody else who could also use a good chuckle!! ​

 

[Dutch mom]

If people from Poland are called Poles,
then why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

Because we have managed to fix all holes in our dikes.
Remember we practiced water management long time before we emigrated to America and founded a town called New Amsterdam there.

 

[CQ:)]

Finishing Things:

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me today, and we all could probably use more calm in our lives.
Some doctor on TV this morning said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.
So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished.
So I have managed to finish off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum,
a pockage of Prungles, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valiuminun scriptins, the res of the chesescke an a box a chocletz.
Yu haf no idr how bludy fablus I feel rite now. Plaese sned dhis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov iennr pisss. An telum,u blody luvum!!

 

[CQ:)]

Some of these are pretty funny but you have to feel sorry for some of the dogs lmao fft:

 

[CQ:)]

Why Boys Need Parents

If you don't send this to a few old friends, there will be fewer people laughing in the world.

 

[CQ:)]

Short funny sayings

• A synonym is a word you use if you can't spell the other one.
• If life begins at 40, what are you supposed to do until then?
• If plugging it in doesn't help, turn it on.
• When in doubt, mumble. When asked to clarify, say "Trust me".
• If your feet smell and your nose runs, you're upside down.
• Why is abbreviation such a long word?
• I've got a... uh... uh... Oh yeah - a photographic memory!
• Dolphins: Don't trust a species that's always smiling, its up to something!
• Hard work never hurt anyone, but why take the chance.
• A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
• I call things as I see them; If I didn't see them, I make them up!
• SHIN - A device for finding furniture in the dark.
• If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
• Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad cheque.
• Vital papers demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.
• A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
• Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
• Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
• Two most common elements in the universe: Hydrogen & Stupidity.
• "We are upping our standards... so up yours!"
• Once I thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken....
• Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
• Ignorance is curable. Stupidity is permanent.
• I'm not a complete idiot... Several parts are missing!
• Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
• But what if I'm a figment of MY imagination?
• If sanity were dollars I'd be bankrupt.
• Archaeologists will date any old thing.
• I brake for brick walls.
• It's a dirty job, but someone's gotta pawn it off on someone else.
• If you do not have a touch-tone phone press 1 now.
• Be consistent - but don't do it all the time.
• Never feed your cat anything that clashes with the carpet!
• Always use tasteful words. You may have to eat them.
• I think, therefore I am... dangerous.
• People have one thing in common, they're all different.

 

[CQ:)]

Girlie Wisdom

One of the mysteries of life is that a two pound box of chocolates can make you gain five pounds.

The reason women over 50 don't have babies is because we would put them down and forget where we put them.

It's time to give up jogging for your health when your thighs keep rubbing together and starting your pants on fire.

What happens if you confuse your Valium with your birth control pills?
You have 12 kids, but you don't really care.

What is the best way to forget your troubles? Wear tight clothes.

Why is it harder to lose weight as you get older? Because by that time your body and your fat have become really good friends.

My mind doesn't wander, it leaves completely.

What happens when you leave an outfit hanging in your closet for a while? I shrinks two sizes.

It's nice to live in a small town, because if you don't know what you are doing, someone else does.

I read some article which said that the symptoms of stress are impulse buying, eating too much and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's what I call a perfect day.

 

[CQ:)]

 

[CQ:)]

The History of the Middle Finger:


Well, now...here's something I never knew before, and now that I know it, I feel compelled to send it on to my more intelligent friends in the hope that they, too, will feel edified. Isn't history more fun when you know something about it?
Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future. This famous English longbow was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as 'plucking the yew' (or 'pluck yew').
Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, 'See, we can still pluck yew'! Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodentals fricative F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute! It's also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as 'giving the bird.'
IT'S STILL AN APPROPRIATE SALUTE TO THE FRENCH TODAY!
And yew thought yew knew every plucking thing.

 

[CQ:)]

Excerpt from a Dog's Diary...

8:00 am - Dog food! My favourite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favourite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favourite thing!
12:00 PM - Lunch! My favourite thing!
1:00 PM - Played in the yard! My favourite thing!
3:00 PM - Wagged my tail! My favourite thing!
5:00 PM - Milk Bones! My favourite thing!
7:00 PM - Got to play ball! My favourite thing!
8:00 PM - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favourite thing!
11:00 PM - Sleeping on the bed! My favourite thing!
_________________________________________________________________
Excerpt from a Cat's Diary...

Day 983 of my captivity....

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. I continue to make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they made condescending remarks about what a 'good little hunter' I am. B***ards.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously really stupid.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell,so he is safe….. For now.

 

[CQ:)]

Life explained (This is brilliant )

God created the dog and said:
'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

Then God created the monkey and said:

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

Then God created the cow and said:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years.. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

Thereafter God created humans and said:

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'

But the human said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information.. I'm doing it as a public service.

 

[CQ:)]