Alright, so still trying to shake that hangover. Got up at about 1pm today. feel like some major doody.
I have until wednesday until I am at 3 weeks with no seizures. thats pretty freaking high up in my books. I dont remember that actually happening in so long. I kind of miss it.
I'm just waiting for the day where I wake up and have not a single simple partial, complex partial, jerk or TC for 3 days. that would be a fantastic day.
Further to the above post, I missed friday's morning dose, but took the evening dose. Yesterday I again missed my morning dose, and this morning I realized that I also missed my evening dose. So no meds at all yesterday is probably contributing to the poopy feeling right now. I even forgot them this morning and instead of taking them at 9am , i took them at 11am.
I don't know why I always forget my meds. I rarely ever remember to take them at 9 and 9. usually its whenever I get up in the morning, and when ever i remember to take them at night/before bed.
I don't know if its an "I dont care" attitude, or a "do I have to" attitude or if its just the fact that I just really dont want to completely accept that I'll need to take these forever. and ever. if I dont take meds, i'll be controlled by diet, but I think I am resisting the fact that I will, either way, need to change my life style for teh rest of my life. I think I'm trying to hold on to doing things my way, on my terms. "i'll eat what I want, when I want. Drink what I want, when I want and how much I want. I'll take my meds when I want to, and if I want to. I'll stay up as late as I want,and do whatever I want. I'll stand in front of a flashing set of lights if I want to" I know that all of these things have brought on a seizure at some point. But I also think that my mind and hopes tell me otherwise "maybe it'll be different this time. Maybe I won't seize. Myabe I'll try it to be sure"
I dont think this is a very good outlook on life with E. But this is MY outlook. This is how I cope and how I take it in stride. I don't really care about having E. It bugs me how my body is on a cycle mode. Eat, Sleep, Seize, Repeat. But I dont think its the seizures themselves that bugs me. Maybe its how I feel after. Maybe its how Chad feels and loks after watching me. Maybe its the embarrasment of having them in front of my friends. Maybe its that I know that I'd rather be the one to seize as opposed to anyone else.
Maybe its that I am afraid to show that it upsets me. Maybe I'm lying to myself too.