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So, I think, I had an ecstatic episode finally. I was thinking on this friend I am falling in love with, this girl, and how complicated it is because I cannot let her know and have to maintain friendship, thus making it platonic and courtly. I was writing poems expressing my love. Then I became very excited and calm, in a blissful, excited, yet peaceful state. I felt at one with being, love, and everything. I understood, at that moment, the very meaning of love. I love her and I desire her purely. Love, I said, is to want to be one with another. Often this "being on" is used as an axiom or aphorism, but I really felt this. I understood at that moment that love is at the very same moment, the very same second a single act of giving and receiving. We should not think of giving as one act of love and receiving as another. No, they are one single act, acting together sweetly. It is of course impossible to really understand, but at that moment I understood it as best I could. I felt that I was in heaven, and that moment felt that I knew what the presence of God is like. I said why do we seek all these vanities? Why all these sins, when there is happiness like this? At that moment, all the vanities and pleasures of my sins seemed foolish, and I hardly understood why I could desire them. That moment was so sweet. It was heaven itself. And I loved her and desired her, not sexually, but purely, and if in marriage, chastely in the sexual act. What I mean is that all my desires were rightly aimed.
But I did not have a convulsive seizure. I did, after laying down, have some more than usual partials that made me think that once I did start to fall into a deeper sleep I was going to have a gran mal. I was worried, too. But I wondered if for that moment of bliss, those minutes, if it was worth it. Yes the whole disease was worth it for that!
Can you have ecstatic episodes without a gran mal following it? It seems it almost had to be and I stand 75% convinced it was, but I have read that a tonic-clonic follows. But they are a type of partial seizure,, and those do not always become tonic-clonic, especially for me.
I am hoping it was a seizure because that would be cool. And of course, I want to feel it again. Maybe it was psychological though. I do not know.
But I did not have a convulsive seizure. I did, after laying down, have some more than usual partials that made me think that once I did start to fall into a deeper sleep I was going to have a gran mal. I was worried, too. But I wondered if for that moment of bliss, those minutes, if it was worth it. Yes the whole disease was worth it for that!
Can you have ecstatic episodes without a gran mal following it? It seems it almost had to be and I stand 75% convinced it was, but I have read that a tonic-clonic follows. But they are a type of partial seizure,, and those do not always become tonic-clonic, especially for me.
I am hoping it was a seizure because that would be cool. And of course, I want to feel it again. Maybe it was psychological though. I do not know.