Mourning my life.

[Matthew74]

So I'm sitting here at my mother's. She had a bunch of video tapes transferred, and decided now would be a good time to watch them. She has videos of my college graduation in 2001. I don't even want to watch, but don't really have anything else to do.

Everything has been downhill since then. I've been thinking about it for years, but I just can't take this. I can't even look at my old girlfriend, my best friend and favorite person ever. I was on almost no meds. It's not just that I was younger. My speech was clearer. I don't look like I just got run over. I was moving more quickly. My prayer life was better. Everything was better. I haven't accomplished anything I am proud of since then. Honestly, it's not like I haven't done anything, but nothing that really matters to me. I'm almost 50. I don't have a career, I don't have a family of my own, etc. I don't have rent for next month. It's such a waste. I tried.

It's so sad. There's nothing you can do about it. I can blame myself for lots of stuff, but I honestly don't know how I could possibly have done much better. You're just stuck and you don't know what to do. I'm only 50, but it just seems like such a waste, and I have no idea how I'm supposed to move forward. I'm angry that no one helped me, or believed in me, at least not in a way that I could make something of myself. I don't know what to do. It's so frustrating.

 

[XxBlaqkxX]

I hear you. I mourn my life a lot because of my medical issues. It eats me up a lot of times. The fact I can't change it, reverse it 100% makes me sad. My confidence, lack of independence for some things, and issues with my health make me feel like a horrible, hideous person. I used to feel so good about life before I had epilepsy.

Sorry to hear that you feel this way and are struggling

 

[Porkette]

Hi Folks,

I understand where you are coming from I've never been able to drive and always had to depend on someone to take me back and forth.
My parents dumped me when I was just kid at the age of 13 and turned me over to the state sending me to a boarding school because they
didn't like my epilepsy. I had no family to come home to for 3 yrs. but that was the time I told myself I was going to prove to my family that
I wasn't going to let my epilepsy stop me and you may want to think about it that way also. I understand it's hard to get by when you are
on disability but have faith in yourself and remember that you have taken care of yourself so believe you can do it . I know I have
faith in you!

What woke me up really good is my Uncle he used to go to Kenya and parts of Africa to help feed the sick and needy people there
and when I saw pictures of young kids with no family on the street waiting in line for food I knew I was darn lucky.

Remember it takes more muscles to frown that to smile so turn that frown upside down.

Wishing you only the best of luck and May God Bless You,

Sue

 

[Nakamova]

I think it’s both a curse and a blessing that we can look back at our lives and imagine different scenarios.
Matthew, any chance you can find a therapist who can help you figure out how to move forward?

 

[Matthew74]

Thanks everyone.

I think it’s both a curse and a blessing that we can look back at our lives and imagine different scenarios.
Matthew, any chance you can find a therapist who can help you figure out how to move forward?

I kinda-sorta have one, but not really, from the hospital. I was supposed to see them every three weeks, but even that's not happening. My new epileptologist is awesome, my favorite ever - but the hospital is obviously not going to provide the sort of care I need. Trying to find a therapist here is extremely difficult.

I'm really stuck because I don't seem to be able to live independently (live alone, support myself, do everything without help, keep house, work full time, etc.), but I don't have a choice. Even when I am working, I can only manage subsistence.

I feel like my life never really happened, and now I'm getting old. Up until about 40 I could think of myself as "young" so I could rationalize the disconnect, and convince myself things would work out. Now I'm 49, and it's not looking good. You realize that even if things were to work out it wouldn't be the same, and you missed your chance. It makes you want to do something about it, but there really isn't anything to be done.

I didn't finish watching the videos (above). I walked home. Mom mentioned her being 50 when me and my sister were graduating from college. It's things like that, that really make me feel so useless. Not what she said, the fact itself. I don't know how it's possible for people to have families and houses and things - it's just so far from my experience and conception. I walk around in the neighborhoods here, and even the old rough-around-the-edges places look imposible. I grew up having those things, but it seems more like a mystery than an actionable objective. It literally makes no sense. It's one of those things that you see is real, and you can explain rationally, but it still doesn't make any sense. It's like you see it, but you can't believe it. There's no place for it in my personal experience as an adult. I can't imagine getting married, or even earning $20/hr. I know I'm not useless, but I don't seem to fit or belong anywhere.

 

[annajuneice]

I read a quote once that helped me; perhaps it will help you: "Do not try to become a person of success but try to become a person of value."
~Albert Einstein~

 

[Music36]

Matthew,

I, totally, get what you’re feeling and saying. I was very ambitious and had big career plans. I worked very hard in college. I went through undergrad and grad school as a single mother with epilepsy. I got excellent grades and I have a Master’s Degree. But, I was never able to use my degree and follow my dreams because of my health issues. I used to feel like a failure because I didn’t achieve my career goals. I had to change my perspective about life. It took me a long time to reach acceptance. Instead of focusing on what you have not done/achieved, focus on what you have done and think about what you can do going forward. For example, volunteer work can be very rewarding and even lead to opportunities.

 

[Music36]

I want to add that I’ve struggled with finding purpose and meaning in my life without having been able to have a career. I’ve been trying to get myself to write a memoir. Actually, I could write a few memoirs because of what I’ve been through in my life. I always wanted to be a therapist and I’m educated and trained to be a therapist. I’ve always wanted to help people. I’ve been through a lot in my life. Epilepsy is only one of many difficulties I have had to deal with and overcome. To give you a better perspective, I should tell you that I’m about to turn 55 next month,