My fiance has epilepsy, and my parents are not allowing me to marry him.

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Sharvid,

What really bothers me about your story is that your parents didn't talk to you first about this. They went and cancelled the wedding. Even taking cultural differences into account, I would think that if they had your best interests first they would put you first. In the end they might decide not to allow you to marry, but they wouldn't shut you out like that with no discussion. They should at least let you know before they take action. I know I'm only getting the story from your perspective, but that sounds harsh.

I don't think it's right that anyone should threaten to disown someone else. I mean, I can understand the whole arranged marriage thing, and even ingrained attitudes toward epilepsy, but making threats like that is really manipulative. It's dishonest. It pretends to honor familial and personal relationships, while actually disrespecting them. It's blackmail, for lack of a better term. Your parents may even think its right, but it's not. Even when there are legitimate hierarchies, or authorities, in relationships like father-daugher, there has to be a respect of persons. The parents job is to look out for the daughter's well being, but not at the expense of personal relationships. You are not a kid who wants an ice cream cone, you are a daughter in love with a successful and dependable man. If your parents in good conscience decide that they can't support you in that, it may be understandable (I'm not saying it's right, just that it might be understandable). However, it's not right for them to make threats aimed at your most vulnerable feelings as a person, feelings towards your mom and dad, and toward your fiance.

They are treating you like you have terrible and arbitrary criminal intentions, but it's clear from your writing that you honor your parents. They seem to have supported you in your choice, and approved of your fiance, until they discovered he has epilepsy.

I guess I would ask why your parents object. Do they think he's mentally ill? Posessed? Or, do they think your children would necessarily have epilepsy? It it against some important law or code? Would you, or your children, be socially stigmatized in such a way as to threaten your future? Would your dad loose his job? Or is it that they just have an ignorant attitude about people with epilepsy?

The threat of disowning you also affects them. They would loose a daughter. Doesn't that bother them? Why is it worth loosing a daughter? They ought to consider that they might loose you simply by making such a threat.

I agree that you should not take any rash action, and that your parents support is very important. They might change their mind given some time.
 
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sharvid said:
I have really tried all means to explain to them.As soon as my family started panicking, my fiance immediately offered to share his medical reports. Even though I found it very embarassing, he even offered to get any fresh medical tests done- but my family and relatives just saw this as a desperate measure saying he wont get anyone else to marry that is why he is being nice.

After talking to all of you, I do feel a little stronger about taking a decision to litsen to my heart. I think I need to gather the courage to take a step without my parents and then see.
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Sharvid,

I'm sorry your family is putting you thru this. I do understand somewhat that those from the India culture do hold their parents in high esteem and will do what their parents say and want, regardless. It is a totally different culture with the Hindu, Muslim and whatever beliefs they hold do effect your culture moreso, therefore, you will want to do what you were brought up to believe.

But, it sounds to me like they are also using this to manipulate you into NOT getting married to someone who has a brain disorder. That is what they are afraid of!

Since your fiance has an education and is a lawyer, then IMO, that speaks volume. There are many educated folks who have E that have their seizures well controlled. And there is NO reason to embarrassed.

I do hope you find your way and get married, despite what your parent's actions may be.
 
Shavid, I am so glad that your fiancee's family is so supportive of the relationship and so glad that your fiancee is going to such lenghths to make them see that you are worth any test possible again. Those tests do not come cheap in the US I don't know what they run in India but I sure know they are not pleasant to have at any time. I know I am so blessed to have my husband by my side as I go through this. Since your finacee' is so well educated I am assuming that you have a university education as well? What is that you do for a living if I may be so bold in asking? It's not like you could not go out and make a living for the two of you if he could not work right? Maybe not like on the money he was making but still.


Tina
 
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Thank you all again. I myself have a postgraduate education and work with McKinsey in a research role. Both of us (me and my fiance) are well equipped to stand on our own feet and do not need any kind of support. And God forbid, anything happens to him and we have to sustain on on person, I think thankfully my job would be good enough to do that.

For my parents, they say it is out of medical concern but when I try to logic it out with them- they just start shouting and talking about society and why should we compromise when you do not have any such problems. My father's sister has it, and she is living an absolutely normal life (at the age of 50) with 3 kids (and none of them have epilepsy). And I personally try to tell them that even if I marry a completely healthy guy tomorrow, what is the gaurante something more serious cant happen to him.

I also used to think giving it time might help. Even though my fiance's family wanted us to marry soon,I kept pushing it trying to convince my fiance that giving it time might help change their mind. I used to think that we will keep dating for 2-3 years or so, my parents will themselves have no option but to agree. But now in the last month, I have seen my parents (father and brother) have a big tendency to get abusive and I cannot take that anymore. Now I know, I will have to take a final decision either ways.

I know my heart wants to be with him, there is just the concern of letting them down (in their own eyes at least) which bothers me. I just wonder when will we live in a free society- where the people we love are not scrutinized by our families and those around. I love my parents and my fiance equally and do not know why does it have to be a choice. My fiance tells me that once we marry, they will take some time but will be fine and accept us, I just fear what if it is for lifetime and their egos do not allow them to talk to me (I know my mother would want to, but my father would not let her keep any contact with me).
 
Your culture is much different to ours in that maybe your parents are more used to arranged marriages with parental control?

No matter what they do they are doing it because they love you.

My wife has lived with me for the last 25 years and we do ok. My epilepsy makes not much difference to anything as it is controlled.


Your parents might be using his epilepsy as an excuse too to mask other reasons.

Parents have a habit of watching out for the well-being of their children and while being fairly wise they are not infallible. Smart ones will listen to information from their kids and make decisions accordingly. Dumb ones think they know everything without considering options.

Btw I am a father if 2 girls
 
Your choice: family or fiance

Family (father & brother) are becoming abusive. In my opinion, in so doing, they have lost the right to any honor or obedience you should accord them.

You know the risks. You're able to support the family yourself, should, God forbid, that be required.

My guess is that your fiance is right -- that, in time, they will accept your decision.

I had a good friend in college who was Indian. Her father had arranged a marriage for her (to take place after she graduated); however, she met an American fellow and fell in love in her Freshman year. Her father tried to stop the relationship -- even flew to America and got an apartment nearby, and pulled her out of the dorm and into virtual house arrest. She could only leave to go to her classes, and could only receive female visitors. The relationship may have run its course, eventually, as often happens with teen romance; however, her father forced her hand. She managed to escape from her father and went to stay with her boyfriend's family, and in a few weeks, they married -- both of them only 18 or 19. Her mother flew to the U.S. to attend the wedding, but her father stayed away. The Indian boy to whom her father had bethrothed her to also flew to the U.S. and stood weeping at the chapel, begging her not to marry, and promising he would always wait for her.

The long and short of it was that the mother kept in touch with her daughter, as did her sisters, but the father kept his distance for a number of years. I'm guessing that may happen with you.

In a bizarre twist to my friend's story -- after 7 years of marriage and two lovely children, my friend's American husband left her for another woman. And the Indian fellow really did wait for her! They've now been married about 25 years. And, she finally reconciled with her father.
 
Endless said:
... Some of the husbands and wives of people who have seizures can give you a better idea of what it is like to support a person with seizures over many years. ...
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I'm not gonna lie. It can be very, very difficult. In addition to the rollercoaster of caring for the spouse during difficult times (injuries w/seizures, status epilepticus, post ictal psychosis, medication side effects, etc.), there are always concerns about whether or not our children are going have seizures at some point as well (there is a history of epilepsy in my wife's family).
 
Hello everyone, how are you?

I wanted to let you know that I married my fiance last month :))

Wanted to thank you for all your support and replies.
 
I think it's great you went with your heart and hope best for you.

You have a small chance 1-2% your children will have epilepsy.
 
you did it?! as a woman let me say i'm proud...... you did the ultimate, for your heart. congratulations!!!!! hope you guys have the best life ahead of you, regardless of issues with family.

:) :) :)
 
Sharvid,

Congratulations on your marriage. I wish you and your husband many years of Gods blessings on your new life together. I am so glad that you decided to go with your heart and that you have his familys blessing on it as well. Your family will come along as they see your happiness increase.

Tina
 
I'm not going to tell you who to marry and who not to. But I am going to tell you this, marrying one person who's perfect for your family isn't going to follow or break your culture guidelines.
You need to follow the person who fits YOUR heart. You don't even need to marry him.
If your families mad and telling you they don't agree with the person you've choosen. You need to remember that you're in charge of youre future and that means who you marry. I know that's different in Indian culture, but you have to say it. Or find a way to express it to them.
 
Athena22 said:
I know that's different in Indian culture, but you have to say it. Or find a way to express it to them.
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My family culture is American, not Indian. I knew that their were two people in my family keeping me in my family. Once they died, I was disowned. I kept reaching back to them, but in the end it was final. I am disowned because of my epilepsy.

My hubby's family became my family. Epilepsy did not bother them.

She never did answer the question about his family's support. Does she have her husband's, families, support? She married him, BTW.

I only had absence seizures when I got married. After the honeymoon, I had my first T/C's, three in a row. A friend of my husband had to educate him that I had to be hospitalized are it could go into status. This was in 1964.

Will she have to take off of work to take care of him and possibly lose her job? Someone asked if he would come and talk to us. I feel that we cannot make a decision like that for anyone.
 
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