recalling things during/around clusters/seizures

[petero]

recalling frames of memory (I refer to it as like seeing comic book panels without seeing the whole book - just individual panels, with no timeframe reference, and no continuity) ictal/post/inter... idk really
likely I was seeing blips of actual events? sometimes it seems.. I'm not sure - but the events have a "reality" about them

is it ok to just quit trying to piece things like this together?
I have a very active mind and I may be trying too hard to piece things together around seizure periods
how can I let myself go and just accept things?
I have a lot of guilt regarding my seizures
I keep feeling I need to be able to explain them, and to know myself - I feel the need to be able to explain them to others, to my family... to be able to explain my behavior
as a recovering alcoholic I think it stems from an apologetic and deeply rooted angst inherent with alcoholism - always an apologetic thing - and I think I have issues overall

- I obsess - I'm a very detail oriented person and I have a hard time just letting this go
I'm probably being worse on myself overall overthinking
I overthink so many things

 

[lainewool]

Dear Petox
Ah, another overthinker! I am DEFINITELY an overthinker...
but here's a thought (LOL)
I decided to consider that the universe is offering me a lesson out of my experience. For example - the not remembering part, which is VERY freaky I know. I realized that in fact none of us remember most of what we have been through. It would be impossible to remember all the aspects of every moment of every situation, and we don't. So: the illusion is that we can remember. The lesson from this not-remembering is that we are mistaken to think we CAN remember. For me it was a kind of recognizing that I don't have control. And from that in turn I have been able not to let go but rather to accept that my non-memory is the key that enabled me to understand this general truth.
Do you know that song of Leonard Cohen's, the crack in the bell is how the light gets in? I hang on to that. If everything was 'perfect' we would understand so little...

Thhhhink on!!!
best

 

[petero]

thanks for the input lainewool
I drink coffee, so that could be partly to blame, but this is most likely an epilepsy related thing
and it gets really tiring at times
overall I think it's helpful to my creative nature - but it can be really straining can't it

 

[Sten]

My wife had a VNS implanted recently. She has been improving steadily until three weeks ago when the seizures picked back up. She is in the hospital now because she has developed a pattern of going out of the house and hurting herself, then being found unconscious in the house hours later. The last time was this week, and when I found her, she was almost dead. Has anyone ever experienced a blackout of this type surrounding seizure? She says she can't remember hurting herself.

 

[petero]

Hi Sten welcome here and God bless your wife and yourself. To me it sounds like there are things beyond tonic-clonic seizures that your wife is experiencing. Purportedly I've experienced some psychoses during my seizure states (I'm not quite sure what that involved but it is not that uncommon among those with epilepsy).

I definitely experience blackouts during my seizures. I've never been ambulatory though through mine. Mine (as far as I know) involve me basically hitting the floor. As I'm coming out of the seizure I'm usually in a developing state of consciousness where concepts, shapes, colors, interpersonal relationships, etc. are very unclear to me.

But there are definitely blackouts. I've gone for hours without anything.
Some of that time is sleep I'd assume, but it is very scary to me to go through the time sequences of a seizure period without any clarity and it is definitely without clarity.

There is nothing I can say that I'm sure you haven't considered already.

I hope what little I can offer helps and that you can get help for this.

God bless

 

[Sten]

Thanks so much for your post Petero. She is being transferred out of the neuro unit now into a neuropsych unit. I am hopeful that she will either a.) get honest so she can get help or b.) they will figure out what is causing all this.

Your explanation about what it feels like when you come out of seizure was so helpful.

 

[RunningGirl85]

From what I've seen, and the little bit I've experienced, it would seem memory is a huge part of epilepsy... And that can be really disconcerting. Even during my partial seizures, I have "memories" of things that I know never happened... Like having a dream almost.

Before my last tonic-clonic, I still don't know what happened. I don't remember half of the events from that day. I don't remember anything after my last conversation that took place before lunch (last conversation I remember, anyways), and the seizure happened at 3:30 in the afternoon. It freaks me out not to remember things, or to "remember" things that never happened.

I also over-think EVERYTHING, so I know how frustrating it is :/