What if you just can't?

[Matthew74]

Often when I explain that I'm frustrated that I can't do something (in spite of having tried again and again) people simply don't believe me. It's like I should be able to do anything I put my mind to. What bothers me most is the assumption that I'm not trying hard enough, or I don't believe in myself, or (what is the most frustrating thing) that things will simply "work out" if I'm patient. Sometimes you can't do something no matter how hard you try, and sometimes things don't work out. I'm not talking about getting down on yourself, or giving up. I'm talking about outright failure, objectively demonstrated. They just don't believe it's possible. It's like E or a brain tumor isn't an excuse for anything. Does anybody else get this from other people, and how do you respond?

(The important thing here is not that I want to say I "failed" at something. The important thing is that I want people to accept me, with E and with a brain tumor, as well as their consequences. Lots of "healthy" people are perfectly incompetent at lots of things. That's normal. If it's ok for them to have limitations that prevent them from accomplishing certain things, why isn't it ok for me?)

 

[StaceS]

Hey Matthew
I guess most people (myself included) say these things with basically good intentions trying to be positive and supportive. And dont understand that at times it can actually be negative and hurtful. Trying to lift you up and not realising that life and certain curcumstances can and definately do put limitations on your life/what you can achieve. What you have written is good.
It's a good reminder that everyone faces different challenges. And yes, there are always many things people just cant do. I guess all you can do is gently (or ungently circumstances permitting) is remind people that not everything is possible all the time. And that you are doing the best with the cards you've been given.
You make a good point and l thank you for that! I hope you are doing well this week

 

[Ruth]

Hi Matthew,

I try to build up a person's confidence in themselves.

We all fail at things. I know that I do. People accept me with my flaws. I accept you with your flaws and failures.

I do not want to tell someone who is down, "you are a failure." I do not believe anyone is a failure. Everyone is just trying their best.

Maybe I am not wording myself right!!

 

[StaceS]

That's true Ruth, l feel the same l always like to look at the positives what people have acheived. I think l word things badly myself, and have plenty of things l've failed at too!!
Matthew l only know what l see on this forum but you have faced many challanges and seem to be picking yourself up again and again - so l see a strong person - were all a little bit lost - so l guess just be the best you can for yourself.
Our flaws and failures are part of who we are, l hope they make me a stronger person. Maybe they are making you stronger too...... I think you just need to be honest and tell people how you feel, that there are limitations in some aspects of your life - and that you need them to be acknowledged sometimes. I hope l have not made things worse by trying to be helpful....

 

[Mr.21T]

Dude, recently you've made a lot of good threads about the nuances of life with epilepsy. This one's great because you talk about something I'm sure we all struggle with...finding that balance between challenging ourselves and acceptance.

Matt, I seem to feel how you feel about waking up/working at 5 am. For more than a decade it's been something I "can't" do, because it's the time where I'm most likely to have a sleep-deprived tonic-clonic (I've had more than 20). People have tried to urge me to or antagonize me into making it work, but each time inevitably ends with me on the floor, because I refused to accept something that I already know about myself.

What sucks about challenging yourself is many times you feel as if you are failure when it doesn't work out in the best way, because YOU'RE lying on the floor or YOU have a new cut, burn, bruise, or scar. In truth, the only thing that failed was your plan. Using me as an example maybe I could get up at five if I exercised before sunset and didn't watch TV in the hour before bed. Also because I've accepted the challenge, I also must accept my failure, even though I accept who I am. I may very well fail again, but it will bring me closer to a goal I never achieved.

What sucks most about acceptance is that it can lead to complacency. I'm sure a lot of people fear their life becoming a long list of things they'll never be able to do or achieve because of e. The hard part about this for me is actually putting things on that list, keeping it there, and accepting it.

Anyway, it sounds like you have a feel for what's most important and that's accepting and having an understanding of self.

 

[masterjen]

Often when I explain that I'm frustrated that I can't do something (in spite of having tried again and again) people simply don't believe me. It's like I should be able to do anything I put my mind to. What bothers me most is the assumption that I'm not trying hard enough, or I don't believe in myself, or (what is the most frustrating thing) that things will simply "work out" if I'm patient. Sometimes you can't do something no matter how hard you try, and sometimes things don't work out. I'm not talking about getting down on yourself, or giving up. I'm talking about outright failure, objectively demonstrated. They just don't believe it's possible. It's like E or a brain tumor isn't an excuse for anything. Does anybody else get this from other people, and how do you respond?

(The important thing here is not that I want to say I "failed" at something. The important thing is that I want people to accept me, with E and with a brain tumor, as well as their consequences. Lots of "healthy" people are perfectly incompetent at lots of things. That's normal. If it's ok for them to have limitations that prevent them from accomplishing certain things, why isn't it ok for me?)

I totally get what you are saying here. I have a group of close friends who work out in the gym quite aggressively (hard work-outs, often involving challenging balance work). We have trained together for 10+ years, and I was right in there up until 5 years ago, when my seizures and other physical health issues more obviously showed their faces. I now cannot work out nearly as hard as I used to, because an "overly hard" (difficult to define from one day to another, as you can imagine) make seizures etc. worse. One of the friends gets it, but the others do not so there is a lot of pressure and occasionally I do end up doing too much It has taken a long enough time to convince myself that physically I cannot do what I used to, let alone not having the support from friends who should know I am doing my best.

 

[Fedup]

Matthew74

Matthew it is very easy for myself or others to say be patient or believe in yourself, the thing is I have been in your situation and for that reason only I am saying be patient. You can do anything you want, that is you can do the things you are good at or that you want too not what I or others want you to do. I understand people do not believe you when you tell them how you feel and for that I am very sorry, and I am sorry they make you think you are not trying hard enough. You are trying and never forget that and yes believe in yourself, believe a lot because I believe in you and I know you are not making any of this up. That frustration is bloody awful and annoying but believe in yourself because you will get through all this in time. YES IT TAKES TIME, AND A LOT OF PATIENTS ON YOUR PART.

Does anybody else get this from other people, and how do you respond?

YES, I get it and many others as well and went through it. People close to you take longer to work on and to get them to accept you especially if you have E. Is any of this easy, absolutely not, The reason, at least in my opinion, they think you are not able to do anything or make a decision even give an opinion. They are not that normal you know just because they do not have E. It takes a lot of time, patience and belief because if we keep listing to others our belief in ourselves dwindles.

Believe in yourself, you are better than you are being told, try to have a little patience. You can battle through this.

 

[Dignan]

I know what you're talking about. I try not to complain to my friends about my issues much, but on occasion when i am concerned, and share my fears, I feel like their good natured effort to try and make me not worry about it actually comes off as minimizing what I am dealing with.

This can be really frustrating, and led me to only share those things with one or two people now.

 

[Nakamova]

A lot of people -- with the best of intentions -- may err on the side of naive optimism and cheerleading, especially when it comes to health issues. Maybe it's because our popular culture tends to glorify the idea of "mind over matter" and the "power of positive thinking". We're discouraged from talking about limitations and the acceptance of those limitations.

On a [somewhat] related note, I just read an article about giving praise and encouragement. The article focused on kids in particular, but I think it can apply to adults too. The gist was that over-emphasizing or over-hyping goals rather than efforts can be counterproductive, especially if a goal isn't met. "The journey is the destination" is a tad new-agey, but it puts the emphasis in the right place. Nothing wrong with having external goals or benchmarks, but they aren't necessarily the best way to motivate someone and they sure aren't the best way to measure a person's worth.

 

[Matthew74]

Thank you all.

My neuropsychologist said one the best things anyone has ever said to me. After two days of testing she said she was impressed that I had continued with my education as long as I had. At first I was kind of offended like, "Well how bad do you think I am?", and thought she was underestimating me. But, then I considered her observations about my strengths, and concluded that she was recognizing how hard other things were for me. That made it easier for me to continue.

One time an acquaintance said to me, after seeing me have a seizure, "I don't know how you can get up and go to class after that." He knew something about it since his dad had epilepsy. That made me feel like, "Yeah, I can do it. I'm tough. Grrr."

One of my old good friends said something about me like, "I'm always impressed with Matt's positive outlook." This was about the last thing I expected, since I've always thought of myself more like a discontent pessimist and complainer. I appreciated it though, because she was clearly acknowledging that it would be hard to maintain a positive outlook in light of E etc.

None of these people made me feel bad because they recognized my weaknesses (especially when they weren't my fault).

I only relate these things because they were comments based in reality, even if they were not entirely balanced. In some way they were right. That helped me a lot more than "you can do it". I know people say that to be supportive, and sometimes it's absolutely the right thing to say. Sometimes you need to hear that. (I could have used a lot more of that 20 years ago.) But very often, I personally need to have the challenge acknowledged. It doesn't have to be gushing, but some kind of recognition really helps.

 

[Ruth]

Thank you all.
None of these people made me feel bad because they recognized my weaknesses (especially when they weren't my fault).

Yes, Matthew, you and everyone else has weaknesses that are not our fault. I am sorry that I have been saying the wrong things.

You are pro active for yourself even if you do not realize it. You have overcome things that I doubt that I could. I am speaking the truth about it.

I did not mean to make you feel bad. I have never been cheer leading you.

Life has dealt you a blow and you are dealing with it better than I could.

:hugs:

 

[J2R2R]

Matthew

It looks like a lot of those who are saying “You can’t” or “You shouldn’t” are the weakest links in your chain and you are letting their influences weaken your ambitions. Most people who don’t achieve let others influence them like this and this can dent their confidence thus undermining their willpower.

See yourself for what you are and don’t let others be weaker links in your chain. If they try to influence you then take a different path and work in parallel so that their weaknesses don’t hold you back.

If you feel confident, then do it. If it is all down to you then if you are capable of doing it you will achieve it. You don’t have to have popularity and approval from others to be successful – if you know you are right and have achieved what your aims are then you know you have done it. Nobody can tell you whether you have done right, wrong, achieved or not achieved as you are the only person in the world who knows what your intentions are – most will understand your intentions but those who try to undermine you will try to use untruths to make you look a failure.

Your failure (if you let it happen) will be letting others weaken you. Your strong side is a reflection of what you are capable of; your weak side will be a reflection of what others do to you if you let them.

 

[travel bug]

Thank you for this thread. I have been beating myself up today because I just get sooo tired and can't do everything in a day I want to. I compare myself to people you see in inspirational stories who overcome great obstacles, and feel like why can't I do that? Or else I think others think that about me. Those stories are wonderful and can be so uplifting, but they can also overlook some key points.

I have weakness in my right side (and by that, I mean it doesn't work right, it's not just a matter of not being as strong as it should be) due to surgery to remove a brain tumor; I'm doing chemotherapy and taking good ol' Keppra, and caring full-time for my dad who is completely bed bound. When I'm in my right mind, I know I shouldn't compare myself to others who are able to keep an immaculate house and cook wonderful healthy meals, etc. But it seems like that's expected because of all those stories showing people overcoming such hardships. Again, those stories can be great, but it ends up comparing apples to oranges. Maybe that guy who did that incredible thing (I don't want to be specific because I don't want to seem like I'm belittling anyone's accomplishment) doesn't feel wiped out from Keppra and has to preserve his strength so he can help his loved one bathe and change clothes.

We can only do what we can do. It's great to aspire to achieve more, but we can't get down on ourselves if we don't quite hit the mark.

Wow, sorry for rambling on and going off on a bit of a tangent. You really touched on something, though.

 

[Ruth]

Thank you for this thread.
We can only do what we can do. It's great to aspire to achieve more, but we can't get down on ourselves if we don't quite hit the mark.

:agree: Most of the time I do not hit the goals that I want to.

 

[Dignan]

But very often, I personally need to have the challenge acknowledged. It doesn't have to be gushing, but some kind of recognition really helps.

I think this is right, and the issue is that others can't often comprehend the challenges and how varied they can be.

 

[Matthew74]

:agree::agree:

Travel Bug: That's exactly what I'm talking about. In a way the extraordinary becomes the expected. It's sort of like, "This guy had half his brain removed and became world chess champion and a multi-millionaire CEO, so you should be able to do whatever you want." It's easy to see the fault in that reasoning, but other people apply it to me, and I even apply it to myself. The problem with avoiding comparison by judging your own achievements relative to your own challenges and abilities is that it's hard for others to understand. Sometimes, even if you give yourself credit where it's due, you still feel alone.

 

[Bidwell]

When I am unhappy with my shortfalls and when I am able to get out from under what other people think [or what I think they think] I often find that I am telling myself half truths about my "failure" experiences,often discrediting myself without hardly knowing it, and also that I have not thought it through well enough. On reflection I sometimes end up learning something new and valuable and I feel lighter -- sometimes sadder and wiser, but I prefer "sadder and wiser" to some other possibilities. I also cheerlead myself quite a lot and that can be exhausting and empty -- very. I brighten up when there are new possibilities.

 

[Bidwell]

I think my response is missing the point of the thread, but maybe I have grown so accustomed to bracing against what you are talking about that I just veer away automatically. I think athletes in some sports are taught to think of winning as an unusual event. For them it is the challenge of playing the game well -- for us the challenges of life -- that we can give our all to. I suppose!

 

[travel bug]

:agree::agree:

Travel Bug: That's exactly what I'm talking about. In a way the extraordinary becomes the expected. It's sort of like, "This guy had half his brain removed and became world chess champion and a multi-millionaire CEO, so you should be able to do whatever you want." It's easy to see the fault in that reasoning, but other people apply it to me, and I even apply it to myself. The problem with avoiding comparison by judging your own achievements relative to your own challenges and abilities is that it's hard for others to understand. Sometimes, even if you give yourself credit where it's due, you still feel alone.

Wonderfully put! :clap: Especially "the extraordinary becomes the expected". That's what I was trying but failing to get across in my exhausted state :cheers:

 

[Matthew74]

Non Sequitur: I just wanted to say here that in my original post I didn't have anyone specifically in mind, and that I wasn't referring specifically to this forum. I'm sorry if I offended anyone, or made anyone feel bad. That wasn't my intention.