Worried about suicidal thoughts - I may be over reacting

[Zara-Newman]

I am not what is described in my area as "emo"
I have never done the whole self harm thing, and have always kept my emotions to myself.

I was once hospitalised for extreme anger and suicidal impulses, but that was purely medication related, which is why I am here.

Right now I am having strange thoughts, don't get me wrong I am not going to kill myself - let me stress that.

I have thought for YEARS that I don't think I will die of natural means, and recently I have been thinking of how my suicide would go - would I write letters? What would the letters say?
How would I go?

I am not depressed really, I am not happy, but not unhappy to the extent I would hurt myself.

It still worries me that I think this way, and the fact my brain is telling me "you couldn't kill yourself till your mum dies anyway, you need to look after her"
and "don't forget you have a cat, you could never abandon her"

Should I be worried? Or is it a normal thing?

NOTE- I am currently changing onto zonisamide, I am not on a very high dose yet.

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[StrongerThanEpilepsy]

Suicidal thoughts is always something to worry about and I don't think you should push it in the back of your mind just because you think this is normal.
If you just switched to a new medication, then that can definitely cause these thoughts. However, there may be something deeper happening if these thoughts and tendencies have been occurring for years. Medication can make you depressed, which can lead to suicidal thoughts.
You did say that your mood is rather neutral, are you saying you feel "numb"? How do you feel? Is there any reason on why you would want to commit suicide? If so then it may not be medication.
Whatever the reason is, even if it's "just medication", this needs to be addressed. Suicidal thoughts is not a normal thing.

 

[masterjen]

It could be that currently you are obsessing a bit about the fact that these meds can cause suicidal thoughts rather than you actually having suicidal thoughts. Perhaps fears of death and/or dying in general are at the forefront of your mind. SUDEP is often a fear for people causing them to have fears of dying. Seeing a bad car accident, for example, whether in real life or on tv can play on our minds and cause us to think of death in other forms as well. Any friend of family member who is seriously ill can have the same effect, and we impose the fear of dying on ourselves.

I became a little obsessive for a short while because my parents are getting older and a family friend has a terminal illness. Personally I found the best way to get me out of these thoughts was to say "NO!" out loud and force my mind to think of something else (I'd plan what I was going to think about). Doing something that really makes you feel strong and alive (for me this is working out) can help. Another idea is to surround yourself with your favourite people for a few laughs when you feel you are starting to focus on death and suicide. If a few tries of this don't help, perhaps seeing a counsellor to help is a good idea. BUT: if you really do feel yourself getting so down you start to see death as some sort of "way out", go to your nearest ER for immediate help.

 

[klewlis]

It's called suicidal ideation and yes, it's something that could get worse if you don't address it. At least talk to someone about it (there's no shame in talking to a doctor or therapist about it). Also, you say you've always kept your feelings to yourself--that's not necessarily a good thing! A burden shared is a burden halved. best wishes.


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[valeriedl]

I know it's not fun changing meds but if it's causing a side effect like that then it's worth it. Even though you say you are just 'wondering' about it now and that you aren't going to do it there's a good chance that might start getting worse.

I'd talk to your dr about it. Is there someone you are close to, family member or friend, that you could talk to? Don't try to keep it bottled up inside.

 

[zombelina]

I had a similar problem on zonisamide. I was basically living in a fantasy world so that fantasy came up once or twice. I knew it was abnormal. It only happened a couple times, and they were just idle thoughts, without any real intention. It was still scary because I didnt know if it would get worse. I've been off that medicine for a year now, and those thoughts are long gone. I had the same problem with Keppra awhile before that. Be very careful with the medication. I would definitely suggest letting your doctor know! Im sorry you are going through this.

 

[Porkette]

Hi zara,
I had suicidal thoughts over the yrs. and most of the problem was do the med I was taking. I found that keeping myself busy so I had less time on my hands helped me a lot and those suicidal thoughts stopped. I also like to write so I would spill out my feelings in a poem or short story. My prayers are with you and May God Bless You!

Sue

 

[Cint]

Depression AND TLE do go hand in hand, so if you are experiencing these thoughts, please speak to your neurologist ASAP!! I have TLE and have experienced these thoughts before, too. My epileptologist referred me to a neuropsychiatrist who specialized in this sort of thing, the depression from seizure disorders. Keeping busy did NOTHING for me! I could not even get out of bed, I was SO DEPRESSED and suicidal (dysphoric disorder)!! Some times, it is the meds, but sometimes it is the BRAIN! Some AEDs are also used for bipolar treatment, too. I take a small dose of Topomax along with Zoloft for my depression.
Seems interesting to me that all that have replied so far haven't had E for long nor have suffered the extreme side effects of E nor the meds, but yet all seem to have answers! onder: Why answer if you have NO CLUE?!

Check out this website for more info:
http://www.epilepsy.com/learn/impac...and-behavior-101/mood-and-personality-changes

Hang in there!!

 

[Zara-Newman]

Thankyou, sorry that I haven't replied, I haven't been ignoring the board- I have been out at a photo shoot for my sisters wedding.
I will phone my epilepsy nurse tomorrow, I live really far away from my doctor and only see him once every 7 months, so I don't think I would be able to get an appointment - he doesn't do phone calls either.
My GP is also a pain to get a hold of...

I can't think of a good way to describe the way I am feeling right now, I am still happy when I am with my friends, and laugh at all the right places in films - I've been depressed before, Keppra, I am not depressed.

My brain just keeps having really weird thoughts, it is probably just the changing tablets - but I will call the nurse.

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[masterjen]

I take a small dose of Topomax along with Zoloft for my depression.

I'm not familiar with the aspect of Topomax helping with depression. Is it how it works with the Zoloft that allows it to have an anti-depressant effect, or does Topomax in itself work as an anti-depressant??

 

[Zara-Newman]

Is Topomox topirimate?

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[zombelina]

Seems interesting to me that all that have replied so far haven't had E for long nor have suffered the extreme side effects of E nor the meds, but yet all seem to have answers! onder:

I've had it since I was a kid.

Why answer if you have NO CLUE?!

I think everyone is trying to help, and I haven't noticed anyone claiming to be an expert.

I found your response super helpful too - it's a good point to bring up that sometimes it's NOT side effects. Everybody is different.

I'm sorry you struggle with depression related to TLE, and I'm glad the neuropsychiatrist was able to offer some help.

 

[zombelina]

Is Topomox topirimate?

Yes

 

[Zara-Newman]

I am being taken off topirimate an put on zonisamide.
Thankyou for your posts everyone.

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[zombelina]

Let us know what happens when you talk to the nurse tomorrow.

 

[Topcat]

I was on Topamax before it was generic (I hope it is now) It was (or maybe still is) very expensive. It didn't help me at all. However every one is different. Good luck.

 

[Zara-Newman]

She said that zonisamide has a lot of side effects, expecially ones that can effect your thinking.
Usually once you get to your desired dose the side effects calm down after a couple of months.

She said I should call her if it gets worse or if I decide to take "action" on the thoughts.

She is also writing to my GP to ask him to set up phone conversations with me every two weeks.

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[Nakamova]

I've never had any issues with depression or mood swings, but on Zonisamide I experienced both -- enough so that friends and family noticed and were worried on my behalf. It was one if the reasons I switched off. It got worse for me over the 6 months I was on Z, but those side effects may have been exacerbated by or related to the med's digestive side effects. (Low blood sugar can cause moodiness).

 

[Zara-Newman]

I don't think I can deal with staying on it if it will cause depression.
I look after a lot of my family and am generally seen as the "positive" one out of the bad situation we have been dealt.

I look after my terminal mother, and try to keep my grandmother upbeat; I don't think I could keep up with it if I got depressed. I find it difficult enough to stay positive sometimes as it is.

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[Zoe]

Below is just on address to an article on anticonvulsants link to suicidal thinking. You will find many more with a Google search: anticonvulsants suicidal thoughts.



Suicidal Behavior and Ideation and Antiepileptic Drugs
http://www.coping-with-epilepsy.com...ing-26494/www.fda.gov/Drugs/.../ucm100190.htm
Food and Drug Administration
Apr 13, 2016 - Update 5/5/2009: AED class label changes. Manufacturers of antiepileptic drugs (AEDs) or anticonvulsant drugs will update product labeling to ...

http://www.fda.gov/Drugs/DrugSafety...ormationforPatientsandProviders/ucm100190.htm

You may want to talk to your pharmacist and physician about how drug may affect your thinking and emotions and if there is anything you can do about it. You may also want to contact the company who manufactures the drug and talk with one of their medical officers about what to do to lessen or eliminate negative side effects of the drug.

If the drug you are taking causes elevated homocysteine, or depletes critical nutrients, like sodium or vitamins you can google those to look for a link.

This is one link from a Google search on Zonisamide suicidal thoughts.

Zonisamide: MedlinePlus Drug Information
https://www.nlm.nih.gov/.../a...
United States National Library of Medicine
Zonisamide is used in combination with other medications to treat certain types .... Some of these people developed suicidal thoughts and behavior as early as 1 ...
https://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/druginfo/meds/a603008.html


The depression and suicidal thinking were a problem for me when I took anticonvulsants and it is very scary.
When you are having those suicidal or otherwise altered thinking and moods it may help to remind yourself that it could be a side effect of the drug, not anything in the real world making you feel that way. Try and get the pharmacist, drug company representative and your doctor to help you find ways to decrease or overcome the negative symptoms. Maybe there are supplements, det changes, or exercises that will help you with the side effects.