are benzo's the only choice??

[mylo]

my "high" mood has faded, and for the past few days, it's been nothing but lows. broke my sobriety streak yesterday, 2 bumps of cocaine, had to break the anxiety somehow (paradoxically, stimulants kill my anxiety, must be my ADD). i apologized to my girlfriend, cried, broke down, and completely lost it the same night after some old guy sent her a picture of his...

i had a dissociative episode... i feel better today but still full of anxiety, and i'm wondering if i should refill my prescription for victan. (last one, because i'm never going back to that doctor again). i've been trying to stay med-free as much as i've tried to stay drug-free but this isn't working... i know tolerance makes benzo's an issue but i have little choice.

i just feel like i was born to make all those around me suffer sometimes. sometimes i wish i could just run off and live on the street where nobody'd know my name or care much for my suffering, at least that way it wouldn't be contagious. better stop myself before i continue ranting and raving...

"hope is a waking dream" - aristotle...

 

[Nakamova]

With seizure disorders it's a good idea to keep things simple and balanced for your brain. This means avoiding substances that can make the brain chemistry seesaw (including stimulants like cocaine). If you've got multiple issues (ADD, DID, epilepsy, bipolar) that may require more than one medication, your doctor is the best person to work out a treatment plan with. Self-medicating (as I'm sure you know), is risky and not ideal for your long-term health. I hope you find the right balance soon.


:hugs:

 

[nicholas:)]

Hi-ya! I take a low, 'therapeutic', dose of benzo (Clonazepam) and whist I could wish for more, I accept my GP's 'wisdom' and settle for the mild relief of anxiety. The rest is down to me.. this is a daily struggle but I manage. I too sink rapidly from the short lived highs to the longer lasting lows. I tend to spend some time looking for distractions - any thing to stop the 'clockwork' chain of thoughts that keep me down. Good luck with your choices

 

[Crash]

Tough question,but in my case my doc prescribes diazapam which helps a great deal,as a lot off my seizures are brought on by stress.Im sure,in fact i know the diazapam has been a great help with my seizure control.But as is constantly said on this forum everybody is different,but it sure does help with me.

As Nicholas has said above " Good luck with your choices,whatever they maybe "

 

[mylo]

my problem will always remain the same. the same problem that i just can't remedy. you can treat the symptoms. you can take the edge off with a pill or two. but you can NEVER heal yourself... every panic attack is a scar to my psyche. anxiety builds and makes me numb towards things, commitment becomes impossible. i can't feel anything for my lover right now. i still love her, but it's not there. i swear to God, i'd give my arms and legs just to feel it.

this happens with everything. everything i love. i lose feelings towards my lover, my sport, my music, my religion, everything. it's like a monster constantly tearing me apart. it's like the Ship of Theseus, how many times will i change unstably until i'm a different person. borderline is a lot like dissociative identity disorder except i still remember everything i do.

i can never reach stability in my life, medicated or not, high or not... i'm just a wreck. been dealing with this crap my whole life, and it's just getting to the point where when i way out the odds, life is just not worth living anymore, why live a life where only 1/5th of the ride is mediocre happiness while the rest is absolute misery. panic attacks every day, i can't go out in public because i don't act normal and builds my frustration, pausing in between every word in a sentence. i can't even watch television indoors because it gives me more panic attacks.

i'm just so unbelievably frustrated. i can't do this anymore. i feel like my entire life's purpose is to make people suffer. i'm on skype as i type this and my girlfriend is crying because she thinks i've fallen out of love.

i'm so desperate i've been looking into the more religious/paranormal aspects of healing and that's not like me, but at the end despair is all i am, it's all that defines me. an overwhelming sense of despair i just can't control. it's the only adjective to define who i am as a human.

i can kick and scream all i want, i can cry all i can, i can follow all sorts of treatments for this pain, i can do all the drugs in the world but it all comes back to this.

i'm sick of venting, i'm sick of ranting, i'm sick of pity, i'm sick of breathing, sobriety, life, everything. EVERYTHING makes me feel so pathetic, i'm basically meant to be an unhappy decaying pile of ...

 

[Nakamova]

mylo, are you able to see a therapist of any sort? Not someone who will just prescribe meds, but someone who will actually listen to what you're going through and help you find ways to cope better with your pain, mood fluctuations and panic attacks?

 

[mylo]

im so sorry for my venting... i didn't realize it at the time.

nakamova, i could never stand therapy, it makes me more depressed as i feel pathetic crying about my problems, i guess the way i was raised has a lot to do with that. i did go to them, i tried it, but in the end i only had a one hour session every month or two, that's the most i could get out of this small little town and i can't even afford that.

i'm in the process of dropping out (not finishing up my senior year) so i can get my EMT certification in a few months and hopefully afford medicine, i'd LOVE therapy right now, i WISH i could just cry it out, but i can't allow myself and even if i did, there's no good therapists here, and they are always busy.

i stick to alternative medication in times like these. not drugs, but real medicine. i found that namenda (memantine) really eases my depression and anxiety, and it's been studied for epilepsy. i took 20 mg (a reasonable and prescribed dose for alzheimers) a few hours ago and i feel stable again. i don't take anticonvulsants because i don't have seizures and they don't affect my intrusive/racing thoughts, not to mention i have bad weight gaining effects from them. i also don't seize unless it's the rare simple partials i get.