Good morning everyone. I am from India. I met this guy a year and a half ago and he has epilepsy- his seizures are fairly controlled with an occurance in 4-5 years. I was supposed to get married to him last Nov (2013), but my parents came to know about his epilepsy and immediately cancelled our wedding. Epilepsy has never been a problem for me, I am willing to take up any risks associated with this. But my parents are dead against this and I come from a typical Indian family wherein they think they have the right to decide whom should their children marry. They have told me to never look back on them and cut off all contacts with them if I decide to marry my fiance. I am very confused, on one hand I really really love this guy and am so happy with me. On the other, I cannot think a life without my parents. I do not know what to do.
My fiance has epilepsy, and my parents are not allowing me to marry him.
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Endless
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Sharvid,
I'm so sorry your parents have put you in this position. If it's any consolation there are parents in America who misunderstand epilepsy and would do the same thing. I applaud you on your compassion and your love for your fiancé.
Is part of your parents' concern about your future children? Or maybe they haven't thought that far ahead. One of our forum members who lives in India is also a doctor, and he has epilepsy: Drarvindr I haven't seen him in here for awhile. This would be a useful time for him to pop in.
Epilepsy and heredity
I can't advise you on what to do. Only you can make that choice. Some of the husbands and wives of people who have seizures can give you a better idea of what it is like to support a person with seizures over many years. Please do know that seizure control might change over time. He may be seizure-free for life, or they may become more frequent. The type of seizure may change. There is no way to know.
May I ask what kind of seizures you fiancé has?
I'm so sorry your parents have put you in this position. If it's any consolation there are parents in America who misunderstand epilepsy and would do the same thing. I applaud you on your compassion and your love for your fiancé.
Is part of your parents' concern about your future children? Or maybe they haven't thought that far ahead. One of our forum members who lives in India is also a doctor, and he has epilepsy: Drarvindr I haven't seen him in here for awhile. This would be a useful time for him to pop in.
Epilepsy and heredity
I can't advise you on what to do. Only you can make that choice. Some of the husbands and wives of people who have seizures can give you a better idea of what it is like to support a person with seizures over many years. Please do know that seizure control might change over time. He may be seizure-free for life, or they may become more frequent. The type of seizure may change. There is no way to know.
May I ask what kind of seizures you fiancé has?
Thank you for your reply. I think my parents have that thinking around why should we compromise and marry our daughter to someone who has a problem? Living in one of the smaller towns in India, they also worry a lot about society and hence their stand. But they are very stubborn and I have been trying over the past 6 months to change their thinking but things have only gotten more bitter.
As far as my fiance's seizures are concerned, I know that most of the ones he has had have been trigerred by extreme fatigue and start with twitching of his left hand, body vibrates and he goes unconscious for a minute or so. (I have not witnessed any, but asked him about it). He is on Oxrate and Clonotril (he has pressure on eyes which casues exceissve blinking at times, for which he take Clonotril).
I have not seen any sort of effect of all this on our relationship at all. We are a couple veyr much in love, he does well professionally (is a lawyer). But I cannot gather the courage to go ahead and marry him, leaving my parents. Specially because I am from an Indian culture where we are brought up in this way. At the same time, I do not want to let go of this relationship which I know really can be something.
As far as my fiance's seizures are concerned, I know that most of the ones he has had have been trigerred by extreme fatigue and start with twitching of his left hand, body vibrates and he goes unconscious for a minute or so. (I have not witnessed any, but asked him about it). He is on Oxrate and Clonotril (he has pressure on eyes which casues exceissve blinking at times, for which he take Clonotril).
I have not seen any sort of effect of all this on our relationship at all. We are a couple veyr much in love, he does well professionally (is a lawyer). But I cannot gather the courage to go ahead and marry him, leaving my parents. Specially because I am from an Indian culture where we are brought up in this way. At the same time, I do not want to let go of this relationship which I know really can be something.
How are the laws in India made? Here in the US once you are 18 you do not require your parents approval for marriage, and they can't stop you despite what you do. Is it different in India? I am ignorant to the law there. Personally, if my relatives got in my way and threatened to never talk to me that's fine... I don't really care, I will live my life how I wish despite them liking it or not. It's harsh, I know. It's your life and your choice, and I encourage you to follow your dreams despite what they believe in. People are usually ignorant of epilepsy, at least a lot of my relatives are and I educated them and they kept saying I wasn't a doctor even though he told me this and I had claims to back it up! Have you tried this? I don't know of any other way other than to attempt to educate them. My father just refuses to use logic such as with epilepsy... He kept saying my doctor had the diagnosis wrong for a long time since he couldn't accept it... Even though I am the one condition and he is not...
For example he kept bringing up sleep apnea, and other conditions which he thought I had instead of it... He also thought I could choke on my saliva, and kept saying he wanted to buy something to suck it out... My doctor told him not to place anything in my mouth... I know this is off topic, I'm just expressing how difficult it is with my relatives accepting it..
For example he kept bringing up sleep apnea, and other conditions which he thought I had instead of it... He also thought I could choke on my saliva, and kept saying he wanted to buy something to suck it out... My doctor told him not to place anything in my mouth... I know this is off topic, I'm just expressing how difficult it is with my relatives accepting it..
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Hi Notime, The law permits you to marry as per your wish after you are 18. Its not the law which is the problem at all- Just the fact that for us it is too big a thing to go against your parents wishes if they threaten you to break ties for life. I think its more of an emotional or a moral obligation towards them than anything else.
@sharvid
Sorry for that... As I said, you could try to educate them. I know this sounds silly and your boyfriend may hate this idea... Would he be willing to setup an appointment with his doctor to have them explain his condition to your parents? I know this sounds silly, but it may work. That's the only thing I can think of.
Sorry for that... As I said, you could try to educate them. I know this sounds silly and your boyfriend may hate this idea... Would he be willing to setup an appointment with his doctor to have them explain his condition to your parents? I know this sounds silly, but it may work. That's the only thing I can think of.
No, this is not silly at all. In fact, this is the first thing we offered to them when they came to know. But they do not want to do this also- they say doctors will give a professional opinion and will have no emotional concern with you as we as parents do- so this option is also out if question.
Sorry, I know I am posing questions which seem to have no answers- but this is how confused I am and so in a deadlock!
Sorry, I know I am posing questions which seem to have no answers- but this is how confused I am and so in a deadlock!
MAB
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Sharvid, I'm so sorry and hope you are able to work through this and I hope your parents will have a change of heart.
As Endless said, there are many parents in the US that can't accept this either. My mom was one of those people. She passed away before my DX so at least I never had to tell her.
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welcome sharvid, and (((hugs))). i am very close with my parents and can't imagine a life without them either. however.
this was their decision. they got pregnant and gave birth to you, not the other way around. i understand majority of this is due to such a strong culture, but putting another human on earth has the same meaning globally. to raise them and both see them succeed and see them happy.
if THIS man is what makes you happy, they as parents have a moral obligation to support your needs and desires. if they continue to not do so, it is a choice that they decidedly have to live with, not you.
they're forcing you to do something and if you give in, you are creating a plateau that says their needs and desires will always come first, and that you'll suffer and ignore your own future. sharvid if you are really sure this man is who you're meant to spend the rest of your life with, don't let him go. i'll say it again, this is a conscious decision your parents have made..... when we do that in life, we live with the outcome whether good or bad.
this was their decision. they got pregnant and gave birth to you, not the other way around. i understand majority of this is due to such a strong culture, but putting another human on earth has the same meaning globally. to raise them and both see them succeed and see them happy.
if THIS man is what makes you happy, they as parents have a moral obligation to support your needs and desires. if they continue to not do so, it is a choice that they decidedly have to live with, not you.
they're forcing you to do something and if you give in, you are creating a plateau that says their needs and desires will always come first, and that you'll suffer and ignore your own future. sharvid if you are really sure this man is who you're meant to spend the rest of your life with, don't let him go. i'll say it again, this is a conscious decision your parents have made..... when we do that in life, we live with the outcome whether good or bad.
epileric
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Have you brought to their attention that emotions are less accurate & hold less water than facts? Some of the most regrettable actions were decided emotionally rather than logically. Speaking as a professional means to speak as someone who knows more about the issue at hand. To refuse an opinion because it's professional is to refuse the opinion of someone better versed in the situation at hand *facepalm*
Also point out that by refusing the advice of someone who has no emotional concern they are refusing the advice of someone who can give objective opinions. Usually refusing objective opinions shows that they know they are wrong.
Ruth
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I come from a family where epilepsy is hereditary. My father and sister had epilepsy. Because I had too many seizures, I was disowned. I was in and out of my family several times. They disowned me and then they told me I could come and visit them. I know how you feel. Believe me, this is probably an emotional thing with your parents that is why they do not want a professional opinion.
I think your boyfriend should be here on the forum. How does he feel? Has he given you any suggestions or support? Are you going to regret being disowned? Are you going to start blaming your husband, down the road, that his epilepsy kept you away from your family? How does his family feel? Who do you love more, your parents or your boyfriend? These are questions that you need to carefully consider.
Welcome to CWE sharvid, it was created by Bernard out of love for his wife Stacy. That love permeates throughout the whole forum.
I think your boyfriend should be here on the forum. How does he feel? Has he given you any suggestions or support? Are you going to regret being disowned? Are you going to start blaming your husband, down the road, that his epilepsy kept you away from your family? How does his family feel? Who do you love more, your parents or your boyfriend? These are questions that you need to carefully consider.
Welcome to CWE sharvid, it was created by Bernard out of love for his wife Stacy. That love permeates throughout the whole forum.
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tinathesingergirl
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Welcome Shavid,
I know that in a culture such as yours traditions can be very deep rooted depending on which part of India you are from as well as what sect your family or religion you may be from as well. I have a lot of Indian friends here in Orlando some who still have family still in India. It can be tough. While you have to stay true your heart, Have you had a doctors report sent to your parents or have you and your finacee' really sat down with your parents to discuss the matter fully with them about his medical situation and their fears. Ignorance is Fear. Truth can set us free. Maybe if you both sat down with them together it can be worked out peacefully. I certainly hope so. I will pray for you.
Tina
I know that in a culture such as yours traditions can be very deep rooted depending on which part of India you are from as well as what sect your family or religion you may be from as well. I have a lot of Indian friends here in Orlando some who still have family still in India. It can be tough. While you have to stay true your heart, Have you had a doctors report sent to your parents or have you and your finacee' really sat down with your parents to discuss the matter fully with them about his medical situation and their fears. Ignorance is Fear. Truth can set us free. Maybe if you both sat down with them together it can be worked out peacefully. I certainly hope so. I will pray for you.
Tina
@sharvid
This is probably too personal feel free not to answer them. How did they find out he had epilepsy? Usually some people won't come out and let others know because of this. Did he have a seizure in front of your parents? If so what type is it and is it usually controlled or what? If they seen it, perhaps they were afraid of what they were seeing if it was a tonic clonic or something?
If your parents refuses to see a doctor and acknowledge what they're saying then I don't really know what to say... I would try to make them see it from a different perspective at least. Let's just use an example, like what if you have epilepsy (I hope you never get it) would your parents like other people prohibiting their kids from marrying you based on the condition itself instead of how amazing a person is by their personality, commitment, and so forth? Perhaps explain this to them. If you haven't already.
This is probably too personal feel free not to answer them. How did they find out he had epilepsy? Usually some people won't come out and let others know because of this. Did he have a seizure in front of your parents? If so what type is it and is it usually controlled or what? If they seen it, perhaps they were afraid of what they were seeing if it was a tonic clonic or something?
If your parents refuses to see a doctor and acknowledge what they're saying then I don't really know what to say... I would try to make them see it from a different perspective at least. Let's just use an example, like what if you have epilepsy (I hope you never get it) would your parents like other people prohibiting their kids from marrying you based on the condition itself instead of how amazing a person is by their personality, commitment, and so forth? Perhaps explain this to them. If you haven't already.
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Thank you all for your reply. I feel I am in a place where people really care 
They came to know about his epilepsy through a third person. My cousin came to know through a friend (who was also a friend of my fiance's brother). She told her father who told the entire family. So they did not see it to be scared of that scene. Plus my father's own sister has it, so he has seen her having seizures in the past- I thought this is something he should not be so scared of.
As for the doctors thing, I should have replied more in detail, my apologies. They have visited doctors in my home town (doctors they know personally), who after stating all the facts have also told them (on their asking), if it were my daughter, I wouldnt marry her. (For the reason that if your daughter does not have any issue, why would you compromise). So when I tell them I have been to doctors as well , they say the doctors you have been to have no concern with you- they will just do their job. It is again a matter of thinking, which I find it extremely hard to change.
The wedding date was set, some of the invites had also gone out. And they cancelled he wedding. How we are different from the culture is US or Canada again here is, our parents do all the arrangements of our wedding, and they in a way hold it. So that is why they went ahead and cancelled everything (I called up the venue and realized this has happened).
I realize you are right when you say I should litsen to my heart. I think I am just too scared to upset them and go against them, specially worried about my mom who I know will have to bear all the frustration of my father once he is upset.
My fiance thinks I should be confident of my decision and be able to take on my own. My fiance and his family is very supportive. He has been with me through all this emotional drama of my family every single second. He believes in living life to the fullest every moment and has been the reason of me being able to get through all this emotional drama and pressure of my family with ease for the last 6 months.
I have really tried all means to explain to them.As soon as my family started panicking, my fiance immediately offered to share his medical reports. Even though I found it very embarassing, he even offered to get any fresh medical tests done- but my family and relatives just saw this as a desperate measure saying he wont get anyone else to marry that is why he is being nice.
After talking to all of you, I do feel a little stronger about taking a decision to litsen to my heart. I think I need to gather the courage to take a step without my parents and then see.
They came to know about his epilepsy through a third person. My cousin came to know through a friend (who was also a friend of my fiance's brother). She told her father who told the entire family. So they did not see it to be scared of that scene. Plus my father's own sister has it, so he has seen her having seizures in the past- I thought this is something he should not be so scared of.
As for the doctors thing, I should have replied more in detail, my apologies. They have visited doctors in my home town (doctors they know personally), who after stating all the facts have also told them (on their asking), if it were my daughter, I wouldnt marry her. (For the reason that if your daughter does not have any issue, why would you compromise). So when I tell them I have been to doctors as well , they say the doctors you have been to have no concern with you- they will just do their job. It is again a matter of thinking, which I find it extremely hard to change.
The wedding date was set, some of the invites had also gone out. And they cancelled he wedding. How we are different from the culture is US or Canada again here is, our parents do all the arrangements of our wedding, and they in a way hold it. So that is why they went ahead and cancelled everything (I called up the venue and realized this has happened).
I realize you are right when you say I should litsen to my heart. I think I am just too scared to upset them and go against them, specially worried about my mom who I know will have to bear all the frustration of my father once he is upset.
My fiance thinks I should be confident of my decision and be able to take on my own. My fiance and his family is very supportive. He has been with me through all this emotional drama of my family every single second. He believes in living life to the fullest every moment and has been the reason of me being able to get through all this emotional drama and pressure of my family with ease for the last 6 months.
I have really tried all means to explain to them.As soon as my family started panicking, my fiance immediately offered to share his medical reports. Even though I found it very embarassing, he even offered to get any fresh medical tests done- but my family and relatives just saw this as a desperate measure saying he wont get anyone else to marry that is why he is being nice.
After talking to all of you, I do feel a little stronger about taking a decision to litsen to my heart. I think I need to gather the courage to take a step without my parents and then see.
Going against your family's wishes is a HUGE step. Has your family had ample opportunity to get to know your fiance? Would waiting a little longer before getting married give your parents more time to come to really know and respect your fiance as a person, rather than seeing him only as the "epileptic fiance"?
Is the fact that he has epilepsy the only reason they are against the marriage, or do they, for example, have reason to doubt your fiance's ability to support you?
Is the fact that he has epilepsy the only reason they are against the marriage, or do they, for example, have reason to doubt your fiance's ability to support you?
KarenB
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Oh dear, what a predicament. I lived in Asia for 12 years (although not in India; I was in China and Thailand), so have some idea of the control parents have over their children, as well as prejudices against disabilities, even when one is highly functional and hardly affected. However, your parents may be (reasonably) concerned about hereditary effects of some types of epilepsy -- would your children also inherit the disease? Or, perhaps they are concerned about what would happen if your husband's seizures got worse, and he was no longer able to support the family.
All that being said, I noted many times in Asia that families and couples used emotional blackmail to try to control others. For instance, if a relationship was rocky, the girlfriend might threaten to commit suicide if the boyfriend left. Would she really? Most likely not. But the possibility was often enough to control the boyfriend's actions. (There was one faintly amusing incident when the scorned boyfriend attempted suicide by jumping out a 2nd story window -- he only succeeded in breaking his leg; if he'd seriously wanted to end things, he'd have climbed up to a higher floor).
I also saw parents threaten to disown their children if they made (what they considered) inappropriate career or marriage choices. Usually the children capitulated; but sometimes not. And the parents didn't really disown them, even if the daughter decided to embark on a business career instead of a "safe" teaching job (it helped if the child was successful in the new career) or married the "wrong" person (the parents discovered they really wanted to be a part of their grandchild's life). But, having not lived in India or knowing your parents, it's hard to know what your parents would really do, should you put it to the test.
All that being said, I noted many times in Asia that families and couples used emotional blackmail to try to control others. For instance, if a relationship was rocky, the girlfriend might threaten to commit suicide if the boyfriend left. Would she really? Most likely not. But the possibility was often enough to control the boyfriend's actions. (There was one faintly amusing incident when the scorned boyfriend attempted suicide by jumping out a 2nd story window -- he only succeeded in breaking his leg; if he'd seriously wanted to end things, he'd have climbed up to a higher floor).
I also saw parents threaten to disown their children if they made (what they considered) inappropriate career or marriage choices. Usually the children capitulated; but sometimes not. And the parents didn't really disown them, even if the daughter decided to embark on a business career instead of a "safe" teaching job (it helped if the child was successful in the new career) or married the "wrong" person (the parents discovered they really wanted to be a part of their grandchild's life). But, having not lived in India or knowing your parents, it's hard to know what your parents would really do, should you put it to the test.
Ruth
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:agree:
My heart goes out to you, sharvid. You have a very difficult decision in front of you.
I know in my family, to put it delicately they can be judgmental and prejudicial, so there are certain types of people that aren't acceptable to date or marry. As much as you want to make them happy because they are you're family it's really not fair to let someone have that kind of power over you and your life. If you believe marrying someone you truly love can bring you happiness than by letting them stop you, you're letting them stand in the way of your happiness and that's just selfish to try to keep someone from their happiness even if they think they're doing it out of good intentions.
The story of someone wanting to marry someone his or her parents don't approve of might as well be as old as time and you would of have thought by now that parents would have learned that trying to stand in the way never ends well.
I understand not wanting to go against your parents, I don't have the strong cultural roots that drive me, I just have an intense desire to please my father and seek his approval. It requires tremendous courage to risk losing them and to follow your heart instead.
That said, I also know the pure joy of sharing your life with someone you truly love and that's a feeling that's not worth trading for anything in the world. As I write you this, I'm sitting in bed and the man I love is laying next to me still asleep and to just look at him makes me smile. Our relationship has brought my such happiness that sometimes I can just weep with joy and I can't believe I found someone who means so much to me. It truly breaks my heart to think that we could have been born somewhere else in the world and may have been denied such happiness because his parents might not have wanted him to be with a woman with epilepsy.
Giving you child an ultimatum like that is not an act of love at all. I'm sorry that your parents would put you in that kind of position. I don't think parents ever want to lose their children, so I have to wonder if they would follow through and like another poster said, they especially don't want to miss out on their grandchildren.
If you really love your fiance though, I think it's worth fighting for. But I know it's going to be a tough choice for you. I just think love it worth it.
I know in my family, to put it delicately they can be judgmental and prejudicial, so there are certain types of people that aren't acceptable to date or marry. As much as you want to make them happy because they are you're family it's really not fair to let someone have that kind of power over you and your life. If you believe marrying someone you truly love can bring you happiness than by letting them stop you, you're letting them stand in the way of your happiness and that's just selfish to try to keep someone from their happiness even if they think they're doing it out of good intentions.
The story of someone wanting to marry someone his or her parents don't approve of might as well be as old as time and you would of have thought by now that parents would have learned that trying to stand in the way never ends well.
I understand not wanting to go against your parents, I don't have the strong cultural roots that drive me, I just have an intense desire to please my father and seek his approval. It requires tremendous courage to risk losing them and to follow your heart instead.
That said, I also know the pure joy of sharing your life with someone you truly love and that's a feeling that's not worth trading for anything in the world. As I write you this, I'm sitting in bed and the man I love is laying next to me still asleep and to just look at him makes me smile. Our relationship has brought my such happiness that sometimes I can just weep with joy and I can't believe I found someone who means so much to me. It truly breaks my heart to think that we could have been born somewhere else in the world and may have been denied such happiness because his parents might not have wanted him to be with a woman with epilepsy.
Giving you child an ultimatum like that is not an act of love at all. I'm sorry that your parents would put you in that kind of position. I don't think parents ever want to lose their children, so I have to wonder if they would follow through and like another poster said, they especially don't want to miss out on their grandchildren.
If you really love your fiance though, I think it's worth fighting for. But I know it's going to be a tough choice for you. I just think love it worth it.