CQ's Jokes

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Some Male blonde jokes :)

The Plane Crash
Three blonde guys got into a plane and took off on a trip. On the way they had engine trouble and their plane crashed in the snowy mountains. Being resourceful and determined to survive, they drained some gasoline out of the tank and started a fire to keep warm. When they got thirsty, they found a piece of metal from the wreckage, filled it with snow and melted it. Later they got hungry and ripped some strips from the leather seats, dipped them in motor oil and fried them like bacon.

Vacationers in the nearby Doubletree Hotel thought it was the most amazing thing they'd ever seen.
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How Do You Measure a Flagpole?
Two blonde guys were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walked by and asked them what they were doing. "We're supposed to measure the height of this flagpole," said blonde guy number one, "but we don't have a ladder." The woman took a wrench from her purse and loosened some bolts. The guys helped her lay down the flagpole. Then the woman got a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement and said, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away. Blonde guy number two shook his head and laughed. "Isn't that just like a girl? We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"
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Planting Trees
An old farmer was driving home from from his annual trip to the city when he saw a couple of blonde tree farmers planting their crop by hand. As he had some extra time on his hands, he stopped to watch, but couldn't believe his eyes as they dug holes and filled them back in without dropping in any seeds or seedlings.

Finally his curiosity got the best of him so he got out of his car and walked over to talk with them.

"What are you guys doing?" he asked.

"Planting trees," they said in unison.

"But where is the seed or seedlings?" he asked.

"Oh," one said, "normally there are three of us. He digs the holes, Jimmy plants the seedling, and I fill the hole. But Jimmy is out sick today."
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Blonde Mechanic
The blonde mechanic told his customer, "I wasn't able to repair your brakes, so I made the horn louder."
 
I usually share your jokes with my husband. they help let me stay on the coping with epilepsy program since it shows him I'm not just sitting here talking to others about epilepsy and my other health problem and even more-so my meds
 
I play golf on fridays!

Eileen and her husband Bob went for counselling after 25 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, Eileen went into a passionate, painful tirade listing
every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness,
feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course
of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and
after asking Eileen to stand, embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his hands on her breasts and
massaged them thoroughly, while kissing her passionately as her husband Bob watched with a raised eyebrow!

Eileen shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down while basking in the glow of being highly aroused.

The therapist turned to Bob and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?'

Bob thought for a moment and replied, 'Well,I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays,
but on Fridays, I play golf!'
 
As we Silver Surfers know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers.

I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door,
whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.
Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong ?
He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless enquired,

'An, ID ten T error ? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Eric grinned .... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before ?

'No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
So I wrote down:

ID10T

I used to like Eric, the little b***ard.
If you're not a Senior yet then send this to one...
 
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replied.
The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me.
They're for him. He's my brother. He's four.
We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either."
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FLAWLESSLY LOGICAL

The older you are and the longer you have been married, the funnier this is...

The wife and I were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday morning.

I said to her, "If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff."

"Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked.

"I figure that you would eventually remarry and I don't want some other w#nker using my stuff."

She looked at me and said: "What makes you think I'd marry another w#nker?"
 
How to get to Heaven from Scotland

I was testing children in my Glasgow Sunday School class
to see if they understood the Concept of getting into heaven.

I asked them, "If I sold my house and my Car, had a big jumble sale and
gave all my Money to the church, would that get me Into heaven?"

"NO!" the children answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed The garden and
kept everything tidy, would That get me into heaven?"

Again, the answer was 'No!'

By now I was starting to smile.

"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and Gave sweeties to all the children,
and Loved my husband, would that get me Into heaven?"

Again, they all answered 'No!'

I was just bursting with pride for them.

I continued, "Then how can I get into heaven?"

A six year old boy shouted, "Yuv got tae be fu**n' dead"

Kinda brings a wee tear tae your eye...
 
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A teacher's story about Stuttering

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
"Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says

A little girl raises her hand.
'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.'

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well," she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and
the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start
and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'
'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.
'It sure was,' said the little girl.

'My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF,"
but before she could say 'F**k-off !,' the Rottweiler ate her!

The teacher had to leave the room.
 
A few of my favorites....


Four married guys go golfing. After an hour, one guy says, “I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the house next weekend just to be able to come golfing.”

The next guy said, “That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I would build her a new sun deck.”

The next guy said, “Man, you have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I would remodel the kitchen.”

They play the next few holes and then realized the fourth guy has not said a word, so they asked him, “What did you have to do to be able to come golfing this weekend?”

The fourth guy said, “I just set my alarm for 5:30 A.M. When it went off, I slapped my wife on her butt and said, ‘Golfing or Sex?’ and she said, ‘Wear sun-block.’”

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Three sisters live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts her foot in the water, stops and then yells downstairs "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs but pauses and yells "Was I going up the stairs or down?"

The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea shakes her head and says "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." She knocks on wood for good luck, then pauses and yells "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

======================================

A full-scholarship football player calls his friend and says "Please come over and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to start it."

His friend asks, "What is it a puzzle of?"

The football player says "From the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

The friend figures that he's pretty good at puzzles and heads over to his friend's place. He studies the pieces spread out on the table for a moment, then studies the box and says "First, I'm not going to be able to show you how to make these pieces into the picture of that tiger and second, I'd advise you to put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."
 
Best Old Age Joke

Some 15 year old girlfriends decided to meet for dinner. They discussed where to eat and finally agreed on McDonald's next to the Sea Side Restaurant because they only had $6.50 between them and Bobby Bruce, the cute boy in science class, lived on that street.

10 years later, the same girlfriends, now 25-year-olds, discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Sea Side Restaurant because it had free snacks, there was no cover charge, the beer was cheap, the band was good and there were lots of cute guys.


10 years later, the same girlfriends, now 35-year-olds, discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Sea Side Restaurant because the combos were good, it was near the gym and if they went late enough, there wouldn't be many whiny little kids.

10 years later, the same girlfriends, now 45-year-olds, discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Sea Side Restaurant because the martinis were big and the waiters wore tight pants and had nice buns.

10 years later, the same girlfriends, now 55-year-olds, discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Sea Side Restaurant because the prices were reasonable, it had widows which opened (in case of hot flashes), the wine list was good and fish was good for their cholesterol.

10 years later, the same girlfriends, now 65-year-olds, discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Sea Side Restaurant because they had an Early Bird Special and the lighting was good.

10 years later, the same girlfriends, now 75-year-olds, discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Sea Side Restaurant because the food wasn't too spicy and it was handicapped accessible.

10 years later, the same girlfriends, now 85-year-olds, discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Sea Side Restaurant because they'd never been there before.
 
Perks Of Being Over The Hill
•There is nothing left anymore to learn the hard way.
•Things that you buy now won't wear out.
•Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
•You no longer think of the speed limit as a challenge.
•Your investment in health insurance is finally paying off.
•You can quit trying to hold in your stomach no matter who walks into the room.
•Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them anyway.
•You can sing along with elevator music.
•Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the guy on the television.
•Your eyes won't get too much worse.
•Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
•People call you at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you???? "
•You can get into a heated argument about pension plans.
•You can eat dinner at 4:00 in the afternoon.
•In a hostage situation you are the most likely to be released first.
•No one expects you to run -- anywhere.
•You are no longer viewed as a hypochondriac.
 
In this life I'm a woman.

In my next life, I'd like to come back as a bear. When you're a bear, you get to hibernate.
You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that. Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too.

When you're a girl bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.

If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.

If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.

Yup... gonna be a bear.
 
Ed came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Ed.'

Ed was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'

Ed was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'

'Not bad,' replied Ed the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'

'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'

'Never,' said Ed.

'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'

He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard.....

"Ed, wake up! You sh** the bed!"

Getting OLD just ain't what they said it would be!
 
A Police STOP at 1 AM

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a.m. and
is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol
abuse and the effects it has on the human body."

The officer then asks, "Really?
Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "That would be my wife....."
 
Two kids are arguing over who's father is the biggest sook.
The first one says, "My dad is so scared that when there is thunder & lightning , he hides under our bed."

The second kid says, "That's nothing. My dad is so scared that when my Mum works nightshift, he sleeps with the woman next door."
 
It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds..
As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car..
He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car or were they trying to steal it?
'Heavens no, we bought it.'
'Then why don't you drive it away.'
We can't drive.'
Then why did you buy it?'
'We were told that if we bought a Used car here
we'd get screwed ...so we're just waiting.'
 
A good laugh in the morning is better than any of the handful of meds I take. Thank you
 
Oh my folks, I looooooove English humor!

Mrs. Brown gets a bikini wax... :roflmao:

And Mr. Bean goes to the swimming pool :roflmao:
 
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