CQ's Jokes

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A lawyer goes hunting with his friend from czechaslovakia

Well, they are out hunting the bears when disaster strikes, and the male bear eats up the friend

The lawyer screams until he atracts the attention of a park ranger

Ranger: what's going on?

Lawyer: the bear ate my friend!

Ranger (pointing to the female and male bear on the ground) which bear?

Lawyer: male!

With that, the ranger takes his gun and shoots the female bear

Lawyer: why did you do that?

Ranger: never believe a lawyer who says the check is in the male
 
I am sorry that I didn't post any Halloween jokes

The only two I can think of are really not broadcastable
 
When the kids were lineing up at a school, someone had scribbled a note next to the plate of apples... Take only one apple. God is watching

Further down the line there was a plate of cookies. Next to the cookies someone had written another note that read, take as many as you want. God is watching the apples
 
So, a woman is in hospital recovering from aan operation.

As she is trying to wake up, she hears the voice of god

Woman: is this it?. Am I dying?

God: no, not at all!. In fact, you have another 40 years to live

Well she wakes up and thinks, since I have so long to live, I may as well get myself looking beautiful so she spends money on cosmetic surgery. If it can be done, she got it done

Well she's walking out the hospital, and she's really pleased with her new look

However, as she is crossing the road to catch the bus, she is hit by an ambulance and dies instantly

So she gets to heaven, confronts god and asks, what?. You told me I had another 40 years to live!

God looks up and goes oh, I did?. Sorry.. I didn't recognize you
 
gina19 said:
I am sorry that I didn't post any Halloween jokes

The only two I can think of are really not broadcastable
Click to expand...
All good
I’ve been slack and it’s been years since I posted jokes so good to see this page going again 😉
 
A man and his wife were jolted awake at 3:00 a.m. by loud knocking at their door.

The man grumbles, gets out of bed, and goes to check. Outside, a drenched and very tipsy stranger is swaying in the rain, asking for a push.

"No way," says the husband, "it's 3:00 in the morning!"

He stomps back to bed.

"Who was it?" asks his wife.

"Just some drunk asking for a push," he replies.

"And you didn’t help him?" she asks, a little shocked.

"Of course not! It’s the middle of the night and pouring rain!"

His wife sighs. "Remember three months ago when we broke down, and those two kind strangers helped us? How can you leave someone stranded like that?"

Slightly guilty, the man puts on his coat, heads out into the storm, and calls into the darkness, "Hey! You still need that push?"

"Yes, please!" comes the reply.

"So, where are you?"

"Over here... on the swing set!"
 
A group of turists are visiting a museum

One guy is particularly interested in the statue of athena, and the man next to her

Guy: who is that guy next to athena?. Is that her husband?

The guide grins and said oh no, that's athena, greek goddess of wisdom. She never married.
 
A woman walks in to a shop and asks the owner, got any cat food?

The owner asks her if she has a cat, and that he can't sell her cat food without one

So, the woman goes home, gets the cat, comes back and collects the cat food

Next day she comes in and asks the owner if they have any dog food

Owner asks for proof she has a dog,, so home she goes to get her dog

Then comes back to get the dog food

On the third day, the woman walks in holding a plastic tub

She asks the owner go on, put your finger in the tub

The owner looks at her in disgust and says, no, no I won't. it looks like crap

Woman says okay.. do you have any toilet paper?
 
If you put a police officer to bed, are you laying down the law?

(I literally only heard this one yesterday. lol)
 
A guy is walking down the road and he sees a sign in a cafe that reads, large lobster tails, free of charge just for today!

Well, he goes in and asks the waitress, is it true?. there are large lobster tails on offer for free?

Waitress replies yes, it is. do you want one?

The guy agrees, and so she leads him to a table. he sits down, and the waitress sits down oppositte him

She clears her throat, and then begins.. once there was a large lobster...
 
guy is driving home and he suddenly remembers that he forgot a gift for his daughter's birthday

Well he finds the toy shop just as it's closing, walks in and asks do you have any barbie dolls?

The sales lady replies sure we do. we have barbie at the beach for $5, barbie at the museum for $5, barbie makeover for $5, barbie goes shopping for $5, barbie sleepover for $5, and barbie gets a divorce for $500

Well naturally the guy wants to know why the divorce barbie costs more.

Impatiently, the lady replies because, divorce barbie comes with ken's boat, ken's car, ken's house, ken's furniture, and ken's pets.
 
A woman walks in to the vets with a duck.

She sits down and complains, my duck is dead. What are you going to do about it?

The vet replies well, what do you want me to do?. if it's dead, there is not much I can do about it.

woman asks can you examine him for me?

So the vet goes out of the room and moments later comes back in with pet cat.

The cat sniffs the duck, lets out a slow meow and backs away

Then in comes a labrador dog who does exactly the same thing. Sniffs the duck, barks, and wonders out

So the vet gives her the bill and it's for $100, and the woman is furious.

Woman asks, $100 just to tell me the duck is dead?

Vet replies oh no, if you had taken my word, the visit would have been free. I just had to charge you $50 for the cat scan and another $50 for the lab report
 
A group of tourists are on a tour of europe, seeing the sites and enjoying all the various countries have to offer

There is one woman on the tour, michelle, and she's never happy with anything

She complains if the tourists are too loud. she complains if they are too quiet, if they get stuck in traffic, lack of sleep, food, bumpy driving, basically she's a real annoyance to everyone

One day they are visiting the blarni stone and the driver says, legend has it.. if you kiss the stone, you can have good luck. sadly, it's being cleaned today so no one can kiss it

Michelle asks, so why did you bring us all the way to see the dam stone if we can't kiss it?

The driver remains calm and replies well, they say that if you kiss someone who kissed the stone, you can have the same good luck

Michelle asks, and I suppose you kissed the stone yourself?

Driver, now angry says no, michelle, I havon't. But I've sat on it

The whole coach tour erupted in to applause
 
It's the last day of term and the kids are all giving gifts to their teachers.

Well, the first kid comes up to the front and says, my dad works in a florist. can you guess what I got you as a gift?

Well the teacher smells the box and asks, is it flowers?

Kid says yes, it is!

So the second kid comes up and says, my dad works in a candy store. What's my gift?
Teacher asks is it candy?

Kid says yes it is!

So the third kid comes up and says my dad works for a winery. Can you guess my gift?

Teacher asks, is it wine?

Kid says no, it isn't. why don't you taste it?

So the teacher tastes some of the liquid and realises that it's leaking

Teacher: I don't know. what is it

Kid (with a huge smile) it's a puppy!
 
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