CQ's Jokes

CQ:)

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A woman was unhappy with the way her laundry was done at the local Chinese Laundry.
So she wrote a note and put it in the bag with the next collection of soiled clothes:
"USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"
She got the clean laundry back, and was still dissatisfied with the results, so, the following week she enclosed another note:
"USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"
The Chinese laundry man became very annoyed,and when her clean laundry was delivered, it contained a note from him:
" I USE PLENTY SOAP ON PANTIES!!!"
" USE MORE PAPER ON ARSE!!!"
 

Janus

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This is not P.C. i hope not to offend anyone: i just like crude humor.


How did the native Americans get to the continent first? They had reservations.
 

Tralee A

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An Irish man walked into Marks and Spencers and asked the clerk if they had any potato clocks.
"Are you crazy? We have alarm clocks, cuckoo clocks, train clocks and every other clock. What the heck is a potato clock?"
"I dont know" said the Irish man "I start my new job tomorrow and my wife said I need to get a potato clock"
 

CQ:)

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"You never surprise me" a woman moaned one day to her long suffering husband.
"Buy me a surprise for my birthday. Something that can accelerate from 0 to 150 in under 4 seconds ... and I'd prefer a blue one!", she hinted.

Happy and excited she was counting down the days for her birthday.

And finally she got the beautiful present her husband had thoughtfully chosen for her ...

He's dead now ... but he died a legend!!!

They told him not to do it .

 

Janus

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A blonde man goes to the vet with his goldfish.
"I think it's got epilepsy," he tells the vet.
The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me."
The blonde man says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet."
 

CQ:)

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A blonde wearing headphones walk into a beauty shop and says, “I need a haircut.”

The beautician says, “Okay, but you have to remove your headphones first.”

The blonde says, “No! If I do, I’ll die.”

The beautician says, “Well, then, I can’t cut your hair.”

The blonde says, “Just cut around them.”

The beautician says, “Okay.”

She cuts the blonde’s hair until she can’t cut it anymore without her removing the headphones. The beautician tells the blonde that she has to remove the headphones and the blonde says, “Okay, but if I die, I’m holding you responsible.”

So she removes the headphones and finishes the haircut.

Everything is going fine until, all of a sudden, the blonde starts to choke and falls over.

The beautician doesn’t know what to do, so she picks up the headphones and she hears, “Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out.”
 

CQ:)

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HELL TO GETTING OLD...​

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his
legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.

One student said to his friend:
"I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome.
Those people walk just like that."

The other student says:
"No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome.
He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him,
"We're medical students and couldn't help
But notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said,
"I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."

The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"

The old man said,
"I thought it was WIND - but I was wrong, too!"
 

CQ:)

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A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk. The policeman noticed this and stopped her, and said, "Madam, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them.. Thanks for telling me officer."
"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?" "Oh, no, no", said the old lady.
"You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, "Why not make the best of it? So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, "OK., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes."
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Not everybody pays."
 

CQ:)

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One day I was walking down the beach with
Some friends when someone shouted.....
'Look at that dead bird!'
Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where?'

They walk among us!

----------------------------------------------------------

While looking at a house, my brother asked the
Estate agent which direction was north because
He didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.
She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?'
My brother explained that the sun rises in the east
And has for sometime. She shook her head and said,
'Oh, I don't keep up with all that stuff......'

They Walk Among Us!
--------------------------------------------

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria,
when we overheard an admin girl talking about the
sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach.
She drove down in a convertible, but said
she 'didn't think she'd get sunburned
because the car was moving'.

They Walk Among Us!
------------------------------------

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car
which is designed to cut through a seat belt
if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the car trunk.

They Walk Among Us!
-------------------------------------------------

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area and went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss.
The woman there smiled and told me not to worry
because she was a trained professional and
said I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me,
'Has your plane arrived yet?'...
(I work with professionals like this.)

They Walk Among Us!
------------------------------------------------
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man
ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut
into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time
then said 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry
enough to eat 6 pieces.

They Walk Among Us!


Dumb as a box of Rocks
TRUE STORY:

A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where Nancy Pelosi happened to appear. Ms Pelosi took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease.

'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' she asked, 'how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?'

'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track..'

'What sort of question?' asked Pelosi.

Well, you might ask , 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?''

Pelosi thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, 'You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history.'


Sadly, they walk among us!
Traffic Camera

A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding... Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed. He tried a fourth time with the same result.. He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace... Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt..

You can't fix stupid.
 

CQ:)

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HARRY THE EAGLE


One day, Harry the Eagle waited at the nest for Mary, his darling of 10
glorious years.

After a while when she didn't return he went looking and found her. She had
been shot dead!

Harry was devastated, but after about six minutes of mourning he decided
that he must get himself another mate. Since there weren't any lady eagles
available he'd have to cross the feather barrier.

So he flew off to find a new mate. He found a lovely dove and brought her
back to the nest.

The sex was good but all the dove would say is .......... 'I am a DOVE, I
want to love! I am a DOVE, I want to love!'

Well this so got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the dove out of the nest and
flew off once more to find a mate..

He soon found a very sexy loon and brought her back to the nest. Again the
sex was good but all the loon would say is........

'I am a LOON, I want to spoon! I am a LOON, I want to spoon!' So out with
the loon.

Once more he flew off to find a mate. This time he found a gorgeous duck and
he brought the duck back to the nest. This time the sex was great, but all
the duck would say was.....



NO, The duck didn't say THAT!


.... Don't be SO disgusting!


The duck said....


'I am a DRAKE,
You made a MITHTAKE!!
 

AlohaBird

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Q: Why did the cowboy go the the Dachshund Store?

A: Because he wanted to git a long little doggie.........
 

AlohaBird

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A guy walks into a bar looking very disheartened and sad. He drags himself onto a barstool and orders a triple shot of whiskey. From out of one pocket he pulls this toy sized grand piano. From the other he pulls out this little guy all dressed in a tux. He puts the little guy at the piano and the little guy starts to play a beautiful concerto. The bartender just can't stand it anymore and says, "I know it's none of my business but I just gotta ask, what's with the little guy at the piano?" The customer sighs and says, "That is my nine inch pianist. Note to self: When a genie gives you one wish, be sure to ENUNCIATE CLEARLY."
 

Fedup

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A Spanish singer chatting on television used the word ‘manana’. When asked what that meant, he said it means “maybe the job will be done to-morrow, maybe the next day, maybe the day after that, next week, next month or next year. Who cares?” An Irishman in the conversation, Shay Brennan, was then asked if there’s an Irish equivalent. “No. In Ireland we don’t have a word to describe that level of urgency”


Things that only the illogical Irish would say:
‘You three are a right pair if ever I saw one!’

The Irishman had been found guilty of murder and sentenced to the electric chair.
‘Have you any last request?’ asked the prison warden.
‘Yes,’ replied the prisoner. ‘Would you hold my hand when I go?’
 

Fedup

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Thought you might like this.

A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”
 

Fedup

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Some Irish logic.

‘You see my real shoe size is four,’ said Vera. ‘But I’m wearing sevens coss fours hurt!’

It looks as if it may get foggy later on,’ said the match referee. ‘So just to be sure, I suggest we play extra time first.’
‘Agreed!’ said the two team captains.

Have you heard about the Irish firing squad that stood in a circle?
 
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