CQ's Jokes

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An old man goes to a church, and is making a confession:
Man: "Father, I am 75 years old. I have been married for 50 years. All these years I had been faithful to my wife, but yesterday I was intimate with an 18 year old."
Father: "When was the last time you made a confession?"
Man: "I never have, I am Jewish."
Father: "Then why are telling me all this?"
Man: "I’m telling everybody!"
A Professor was addressing a large audience in Oxford ...
"The material we put into our stomachs should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High trans-fat diets can be disastrous and
none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us
have, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" After several seconds of quiet,
a 70-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and said softly ..........
"Wedding Cake."
If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

(That applies to every argument I have ever had :D)
I went to the Canary Islands on holiday this year, didn't see one canary. Going to the Virgin Islands next year, can't wait.

-Ed Byrne
Except for 75% of the women, everyone in the whole world wants to have sex.
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go to the bird section and Sean says to Paddy; "Dat's Dem". The shopkeeper comes over and asks if he can help.
"Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere budgies in dat cage op dere", says Mick, "Put dem in a pepper bag"
The shopkeeper does as asked and the two pay for the birds and leave.

They get into Mick's van and drive until they reach a cliff with a 500ft drop.
"Dis looks loike a grand place", says Mick.
He then takes the two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as his friend drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds followed by a loud "Splat!"
As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head.
"Focket Dat," Paddy says, "dis budgie jumpin'' is too dangerous for me..."

A few minutes later, Seamus approaches. He too has been to the pet shop and is carrying the familiar 'pepper bag.'
Seamus pulls a parrot out of the bag and Paddy notices that in the other hand Seamus is carrying a gun.
"Watch this Paddy" he says, as he launches himself over the edge of the cliff.
Paddy watches as half way down Seamus takes the gun and blows the parrot''s head off. Seamus continues to plummet until he joins Sean''s mashed remains at the bottom of the cliff.
Paddy shakes his head and says, "An oim never troyin'' that parrotshooting oider..."

After a few minutes, Danny strolls up. He too has been to the pet shop and walks up with his 'pepper bag.'
Danny pulls a chicken out of the bag. He puts the chicken above his head, holds its legs and launches himself off the cliff with the same result.
Once more Paddy shakes his head.
"For me life Danny, first der was Sean wit his budgie jumpin, den Seamus parrotshooting and now you fockin'' hengliding..."
5 Best Pick-up Line Comebacks

Man – Haven’t I seen you someplace before?
Woman – Yes, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.

Man – Can I buy you a drink?
Woman – I think I’d rather have the money!

Man – Will you go out with me this Saturday?
Woman – Sorry, I’m having a headache this weekend.

Man – Is this seat empty?
Woman – Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man – So what do you do for a living?
Woman – I’m a female impersonator.
“So, Jimmy”, said Grandpa, as they stood on line at the local grocery store. ”What did you learn in school today?” ”To tell you the truth”, answered young Jimmy, “I’m not exactly sure”. ”My teacher was going on and on about something called ethics, and I still don’t know what she was talking about!” Jimmy replied.

“Ah, ethics” responded Grandpa, “very important indeed”. ”Well, let’s say the cashier gives me back too much change, ethics would be whether I keep the change for myself, or if I give it back to Grandma!”
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist
I'm really starting to hate these stupid little Russian Dolls.
They're so full of themselves.
Bob was staring sadly into his beer and sighed heavily.
"What's up Bob?" asked the bartender, It's not like you to be so down in the mouth."
"It's my five year old son" Bob replied.
"Don't tell me, he's in trouble for fighting in school? My lad's just the same. Forget about it; it happens to boys that age" said the bartender, sympathetically.
"I only wish it was that," continued the customer, " but it's far worse than that. The little devil has got our gorgeous 18 year old next door neighbour pregnant"!
"Get away, that's impossible!" gasped the bartender.
"It's not," said the man. "The little bastard stuck a pin in all my Condoms!"
It happened in an Underground station in London . There
were protesters on the concourse handing out pamphlets on the evils of
Britain. I politely declined to take one. An elderly lady behind me
was getting off the escalator and a young female protester offered
her a pamphlet, which the lady politely declined. The young protester
put her hand on the woman's shoulder as a gesture of friendship and in a
very soft voice said, “Madam, don't you care about the children of
Iraq ?”

The elderly lady looked up at her and said, “My dear, my
father died in France during World War II, I lost my husband in Korea
and my grandson in Afghanistan . All three died so you could have the
right to stand here and bad mouth our country. So if you touch me
again, I'll stick this umbrella up your arse and open it.”
Are You Alright?

Toward the end of our senior year in high school, we were required to take a CPR course. The classes used the well known mannequin victim, Resusci-Annie, to practice. Typical of most models, this Resusci-Annie was only a torso, to allow for storage in a carrying case.

The class went off in groups to practice. As instructed, one of my classmates gently shook the doll and asked "Are you all right?" He then put his ear over the mannequin's mouth to listen for breathing.
Suddenly he turned to the instructor and exclaimed, "She said she can't feel her legs!"
Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking.

Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 pm, dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs. And what's there; a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner; a marvelous dinner, lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me three times!"
Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go?"
Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."
A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, 'because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'

God replied, 'Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help man kind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'God, I wish that I , and all men, could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.

God replied: "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?
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