CQ's Jokes

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An American salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo, Japan. Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises. "I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "But down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes." Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life. Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, "Manicures, $20." "Why not?" thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured. The next machine had a sign that read, "This machine provides a service men need when away from their wives, 50 cents." The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off. With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender unit, which now had a button sewn neatly on the end.
 
Q: What have men and floor tiles got in common?
A: If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for life.
 
just for you CQ ;)

Dear America,
Tomorrow was awesome.
Sincerely, Australia
 
*laugh* yeah i figured you would... you guys got that one over us. and i LOVE that site (dearblankpleaseblank.com), there is some real funny shit on there.

so..... what time IS it there? here it's friday morning, 7:24am, November 22nd.
it's close to saturday there right? like by our afternoon it will already be your morning?
 
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!"

"Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything."

The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.

Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."
 
qtowngirl said:
so..... what time IS it there? here it's friday morning, 7:24am, November 22nd.
it's close to saturday there right? like by our afternoon it will already be your morning?
Click to expand...
That message was posted at 2:25am Saturday morning lol.
It is now 8:38am Saturday morning.

 
A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant.
They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.

The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly
noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman stared straight ahead. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman stared straight ahead.

The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risque and that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the woman "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn't. He just walked
in the door."
 
If you've ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love this!

Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO.
The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall.
The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business
He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make £400 a week. Why?"
The CEO said, "Wait right here."
He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy £1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay.
Now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"

From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
 
Someone asked me, "and now that you are retired, do you still have a job?"

I replied, "Yes I am my wife's sexual adviser."

"Somewhat shocked, they said "I beg your pardon, but what do you mean by that?"

"Very simple. My wife has told me that when she wants my fucking advice, she'll ask me for it."

:roflmao:
 
What nationality is Santa Claus?

North Polish.
 
Why seniors need newspapers

I was visiting my daughter last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper....

"This is the 21st century," she said. "We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, use my iPad."

I can tell you this. That f##king fly never knew what hit him.
 
A mafioso’s son sits at his desk writing a Christmas list to Jesus. He first writes, ‘Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy the whole year, so I want a new…’ He looks at it, then crumples it up into a ball and throws it away. He gets out a new piece of paper and writes again, ‘Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy for most of the year, so I want a new…’ He again looks at it with disgust and throws it away. He then gets an idea. He goes into his mother’s room, takes a statue of the Virgin Mary, puts it in the closet, and locks the door. He takes another piece of paper and writes, ‘Dear baby Jesus. If you ever want to see your mother again…’
 
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale 'He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so... I told the CIA.

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running...

But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'

'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a Bulls****r. He's never been out of the yard'
 
I just got an email from my buddy living in the U.P. of northern Michigan
near the Canadian border. She said that since early this morning the snow is nearly
waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping and is at about
15 degrees and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. Her husband has
done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare.

She says that if it gets much worse, she may have to let him in...
 
A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends . Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought turkey sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a turkey sandwich.

He said, 'Hey, how come you're not eating turkey, don't you like it anymore?'
She said 'I love it but I have to stop eating it.'

'Why?' he asked.
She pointed to her lap and said 'Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!'

'Let me see' he said .
'Okay' and she showed him. He looked and said, 'That's right. You are! Better not eat any more turkey.'

He kept eating his turkey sandwiches until one day he brought a peanut butter sandwich instead. He said to the little girl,
'I have to stop eating turkey sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!' She asked if she could look, so he showed her !

She said , 'Oh, my Gosh, it's too late for you !
You've already got the NECK and Giblets!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?
Because the P is silent!
 
One day a farmer wrote to his son in prison, "Son I won't be able to plant my potatoes this year because I can't dig the holes. I know if you were here, you'd help me." The son sent a reply, "don't even think about diggin them holes pop, cuz that's where I hid the money." The police read the letter, and went to the field and dug all over but never found the money. The next day the son sent another letter, "there pop, plant your seeds. That's the best I can do without being there."
 
I tried to look up impotence on the Internet but nothing came up.

:roflmao:
 
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