CQ's Jokes

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A man had just Boarded and settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his Black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.

The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and that the dog
was a 'sniffing dog'.

'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is.
I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'

The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the Policeman said, 'Watch this.'

He told Sniffer to 'search'.

Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several
seconds.

Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman's arm.

The Policeman said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man and said, 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.

'Gee, that's pretty good,' replied the first man.

Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles.

The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm.

The Policeman said, 'Two paws mean that man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police.'

'I like it!' said his seat mate.

The Policeman then told Sniffer to 'search' again.

Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to s*** all over the place.

The first man was really disgusted by this behaviour and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that.

So he asked the Policeman, 'What's going on?'

The Policeman nervously replied, 'He's just found a bomb.'
 
“4 Worms In Church”
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup..
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol . . . . ... . Dead .
The second worm in cigarette smoke . . . Dead .
Third worm in chocolate syrup . . . . Dead.
Fourth worm in good clean soil . . . Alive

So the Minister asked the congregation, "What did you learn from this demonstration?"

Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said . . .
"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"
 
CQ, I just read all your jokes for the first time, they made me smile and laugh and I definitely needed that after a long day of work. Speber (Aka Spencer)would always comment on how funny your jokes were and could always tell when he was reading your posts because of his laughter. :) Renee
 
This could happen to you - the golden years!

Several days ago as I left a meeting I desperately gave myself a personal search. I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.

Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the car park. My husband has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.

My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. His theory is that the car will be stolen. As I scanned the car park I came to a terrifying conclusion! His theory was right. The car park was empty.
I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all.
"Hello My Love", I stammered; I always call him "My Love" in times like these. "I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen."
There was a period of silence. I thought the call had disconnected, but then I heard his voice. He barked, "I dropped you off!"
Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."

He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your bloody car." This is what they call, " the Golden Years!"
 
During my physical examination, my doctor asked me about my physical
activity level.

I described a typical day this way:

"Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk about 7km through some
pretty rough terrain.
I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through brambles.
I got sand in my shoes and my eyes.
I avoided standing on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills.
I took a few 'leaks' behind some big trees.
The mental stress of it all left me shattered.
At the end of it all I drank eight beers"

Inspired by the story, the doctor said,
"You must be one hell of an outdoors man!"

"No," I replied,

"I'm just a sh*t golfer"
 
An elderly man in Queensland had owned a large property for several years. He had a dam in one of the lower paddocks where he had planted mango and avocado trees. The dam had been fixed up for swimming when it was built and he also had some picnic tables placed there in the shade of the fruit trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the dam to look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a ten litre bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the dam, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his dam. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!' The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the dam naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the crocodile.'
 
What is Celibacy?

Celibacy can be a choice in life,
Or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Weekend,
My wife and I listened to the instructor declare,
'It is essential that husbands and wives know the
Things that are important to each other.."
He then addressed the men,
'Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower?'

I leaned over, touched my wife's hand gently, And whispered,
'Self-raising, isn't it?'
And thus began my life of celibacy..........
 
Q: Why Did The Tomato Blush?
A: Because he saw the salad dressing

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory . I hope there's no pop quiz.

Why can't a bicycle stand on its own? Because it's two tired.

What time is it when it is time to go to the dentist? Tooth hurty.

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
 
Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.

Reading while sunbathing makes you, well, red.

I used to work at Starbucks, but I got tired of the daily grind.

Which president was least guilty? Lincoln. He is in a cent.

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
 
Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.

When the TV repairman got married the reception was excellent.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

There was a person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

A piece of string walked into a bar and said "Gimme a beer!" but the bartender said "Get outta here! We don't serve your kind here!" So the string left, but he was thirsty, and he really wanted a beer, so he messed up his hair real badly and looped himself around until he had tied himself into a knot. When the string went back into the bar, the bartender looked at him suspiciously and said "Aren't you that worthless piece of string I just threw outta here?" No, the string replied, "I'm a frayed knot!"
 
an angry bird landed on a doorknob. then he flew off the handle.

i couldn't believe my dad had been stealing from his job as a road worker, but when i got home, all the signs were there.

it's 'Jamaican Hairstyle Day' at work tomorrow. i'm dreading it.

a new type of broom came out, it is sweeping the nation.

i've been seeing a weather girl; nice change dating a woman that isn't right all the time.


:roflmao:
 
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Two old men decide to have a night on the town. After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel.
The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her
manager, 'go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in
each bed. These two are so old and drunk, i'm not wasting my girls on them. They won't know the difference.'

The manager does as she is told and the two old men go upstairs and
take care of their business.

As they are walking home the first man says,'you know, i think my girl was dead!'

'dead?' says his friend, 'why do you say that?'


'well, she never moved or made a sound all the time i was loving her.'

His friend says, 'could be worse i think mine was a witch.'

'a witch ??. . Why would you say that?'

'well, i was making love to her, kissing her on the neck, and i gave
her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window..... Took my
teeth with her!'
 
I was looking at investment opportunities. I thought velcro was good 'cause its everywhere, but i found it's a rip-off!
 
Upon entering a little country store, the stranger noticed a sign warning, "Danger! Beware of dog!" posted on the glass door. Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register.

"Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?" he asked the owner.

"Yep, that's him," came the reply.

The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"

"Because," the owner explained, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."
 
Bubba, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. His fame grew and soon people from all over the country were coming to him for paintings.
One day, a beautiful young woman pulled up to his house in a stretch limo. She asked Bubba if he would paint her in the nude.
This was the first time anyone had made this request. The beautiful lady said money was no object; she was willing to pay $50,000.
Not wanting to get into trouble with his wife, Bubba asked the lady to wait while he went in the house and conferred with Betty Jo, his wife (and first cousin).
In a few minutes he returned and said to the lady, "Okay, I'll paint ya nekkid, but I'll have ta leave my socks on, so's I can have sum place to wipe my brushes..."
___
 
A man was told by his doctor to go get a CT scan,
and when he came back from having his CT scan, a friend ask him if anything was found, and the man said nothing was found up there.



:bigsmile:
 
My job at the concrete plant seems to get harder and harder.
 
Mars Bar Method


The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon “Quickie” with their 8-year old son in the flat
was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on all the street activities.
Their 8-year old began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation;

‘There’s a car being towed from the car park,’ he shouted.

‘An ambulance just drove past’

‘Looks like the Anderson’s have visitors,’ he called out.

‘Matt’s riding a new bike!’

‘Looks like the Sanders are moving!’

‘Jason is on his skateboard!

After a few moments he announced,
‘The Coopers are having a shag!

Startled, his mum and dad shot up in bed!
Dad cautiously called out, ‘How do you know that?
’

‘Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar just like Me .
 
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