CQ's Jokes

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Sex after Death!!

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after-life at all.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.
True to his word, he made the first contact:

“ Maxine….Maxine … "

"Is that you, Graham?”

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed.”

"That's wonderful! What's it like?”

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple more times.. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night.
I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again”.


"Oh,Graham! Are you in Heaven?"

"No -- I'm a rabbit somewhere near Mildura !"
 

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She had 4 Husbands……

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.

"He's a funeral director," she answered. "Interesting," the newsman thought...

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

(Wait for it)
She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go!"
 

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Tony and Yvonne were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years.
Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because Tony watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to Yvonne's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on yet another holiday and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'

Tony asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'
Tony looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.
'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled Tony..
'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.
'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to Tony. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'
Tony looked around and glanced nervously at Yvonne.
'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.
That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick.
This is Heaven!'

'No gym to work out at?' said Tony
'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.
'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'
'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'

Tony glared at Yvonne and said, 'You and your f*cking Bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!'
 

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An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors.The waiting room was filled with
patients. As he approached the receptionist's desk,he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo
wrestler.He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly, and in an equally
loud voice replied,'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE
OPERATION,BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'

The room erupted in applause.
 

qtowngirl

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HAPPY 3-YEAR-SURGERY ANNIVERSARY CQ!!!!!!!

proud of you and we're on our way there!
love mel and nat.

:hugs:
 

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The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions.
The new priest hears several confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a minute. The old priest suggests, “Cross your arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand.”
The new priest tries this.
The old priest then suggests, “Try saying things like, ‘I see, yes, go on, and I understand, how did you feel about that?’ ”
The new priest says those things, trying them out.
The old priest concludes, “Now, don’t you think that’s a little better than slapping your knee and saying,
‘No way! What happened next?’ ”
 

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The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions.
The new priest hears several confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a minute. The old priest suggests, “Cross your arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand.”
The new priest tries this.
The old priest then suggests, “Try saying things like, ‘I see, yes, go on, and I understand, how did you feel about that?’ ”
The new priest says those things, trying them out.
The old priest concludes, “Now, don’t you think that’s a little better than slapping your knee and saying,
‘No way! What happened next?’ ”
:roflmao:
 

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An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy.
Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,
'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.
 

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One should not take the English language for granted.

Paddy took 2 stuffed dogs to the Antiques Roadshow in Dublin.

"Ooh”, said the presenter. “This is a very rare set produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers,
taxidermists, who operated in London at the turn of last century. Do you have any idea what
they would fetch today if they were in good condition?”

“Sticks”, replied Paddy
 

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Dear Santa,

How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.

Merry Christmas,
Timmy Jones
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Dear Timmy,

Thank you for your letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried about all the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn’t want you to get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I’ll bring you something you can go outside and play with.

Merry Christmas,
Santa Claus
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Mr. Claus,

Seeing that I have fulfilled the “naughty vs. Nice” contract, set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn’t want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don’t you think that a jibe at my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit trite?

Respectfully,
Tim Jones
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Mr. Jones,

While I have acknowledged you have met the “nice” criteria, need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and not a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, well that is your right. Please know, however, that my solicitors have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom of the Burger King frying pan.

Very Truly Yours,
S Claus
------------------------------------------------------------------
Now look here you fat twat. I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I’m about to tweet my home boys and we’re gonna be waiting for your fat arse and me going to be taking my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN!

T-Bone Da Terror of De Tower Hamlets.
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Listen Pizza Face,

Seriously??? You think a Geezer that breaks into every house in the world on one night and never gets caught gives a flying F*** at the moon you yardie tosser wanabee? “He sees you when you’re sleeping; He knows when you’re awake”. Sound familiar, genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your shit wired, you little wanker. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people that if I described them right now, you’d throw up your K.F.C Bargain Shitbucket all over the carpet of your mother's crappy crack house flat. You’re not getting what you asked for, but I’m still stopping by your gaff to kick a poke hole in your arse and let Rudolf have his jollies. Chew on that Winston!

S Clizzy
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Dear Santa,

Bring me whatever you see fit. I’ll appreciate anything.

Timmy
--------------------------------------------------------------
Timmy,

That’s what I thought you little bastard.

Santa
 

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Murphy's' old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come.

He brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby.

She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said. 'Hey, Murph! You just had you a son,!


'Ain't dat grand,' Murphy got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, 'Hold on! We ain't finished yet, !'

The doctor then delivered a little girl.

He said, 'Hey, Murph! You got you a daughter, She is a pretty lil ting, too....'

Murphy got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, 'Hold on, we aint got done yet!'

The doctor then delivered another boy and said, Murph, you just had yourself another boy!'


Murphy said to the doctor, 'Doc, what caused all of dem babies,?'

The doctor said, 'You never know Murph, it was probably something that happened during conception.'

Murphy said, 'Ah yeah, during conception.'

When Murph and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said,

'Mama, you remember dat night that we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil.'


She said, 'Yeah, I remember dat night...'

Murph said, 'I'll tell you, .......it's a good ting we didn't use WD-40.
 

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CQ:)

Thank you so much, you have brought Laughter and smiles to my face. Keep it up any more Irish jokes. :roflmao:
 

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CQ:)

Thank you so much, you have brought Laughter and smiles to my face. Keep it up any more Irish jokes. :roflmao:
Paddy Irishman, Paddy Englishman, and Paddy Scotsman

One day, Paddy Irishman, Paddy Englishman, and Paddy Scotsman walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Guinness.
Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints and got stuck in the thick head.

Paddy Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.

Paddy Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.

The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling: "AH YOU LITTLE THIEF! SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT!"
_______________________________________________________________

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.

"Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."

"That's nothing," says Sean. "Here's one named Patrick O'Toole, it says here that he was 95 when he died."

Then Seamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145!"

"What was his name?" asks Paddy.

Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."
__________________________________________________________
Five Scotsmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint. Paddy the officer stops them and tells them: "It is illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro, Quattro means four."

"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Scotsmen retorts in disbelief. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons."

"You can not pull that one on me," replies Paddy "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law."

The Scotsmen replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over. I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"

"Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."
 

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A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest sitting beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"
"Of course, child. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits. I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me...under your robe, perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you... I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they got to Customs, the woman let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date...unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"
_____________________________________________________________
Paddy Reilly had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.
It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.
On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.
So, when Paddy's 18th birthday came around, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned!
Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.
Furious and confused, Paddy, went to see his grandmother.
'Nana,' he asked, "Tis me 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like me father, his father, and his father before him?"
Nana Reilly looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled brown eyes and said, "Because yer father, yer grandfather and yer great-grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in August, ya bloody eejit!"
_________________________________________________________________________

Two paddies were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one man digging a hole, the other filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it - why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"
The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick.'"
 

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A distraught senior citizen
phoned her doctor's office.
"Is it true," she wanted to know,
"that the medication
you prescribed has to be taken
for the rest of my life?"
"'Yes, I'm afraid so,"' the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence
before the senior lady replied,
"I'm wondering, then,
just how serious is my condition
because this prescription is marked
'NO REFILLS'."

___________________________________________________________

An older gentleman was
on the operating table
awaiting surgery
and he insisted that his son,
a renowned surgeon,
perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia,
he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son;
do your best,
and just remember,
if it doesn't go well,
if something happens to me,
your mother
is going to come and
live with you and your wife...."
 

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Woman 1: "Has your guy been circumcised?"
Woman 2: "No... he's a complete dick."
 

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What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?
A piece of ass that brings a tear to your eye.
 
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