CQ's Jokes

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I wish we like our washing could get in tumble dryer come out wrinkle free and looking 10years younger
A devout arab muslim gets into a taxi in London.The driver playing music.
arab muslim asks driver to turn music off as no music in time of proffet and westen music is from the infidel
So driver politly turns music off and stops cab opens door.
'WHY HAVE YOU stopped exclaimed muslim arab
'there was no taxi's either in time of profet so piss off and wait for a camel
As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, "And what would you like for Christmas?" The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped, "Didn't you get my E-mail?"
The 4 stages of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don't believe in Santa Claus
3. You dress up as Santa Claus
4. You look like Santa Claus
Lee, A seven-year-old boy, was asked to say thanks for the Christmas dinner. The family members bowed their heads in expectation. Lee began his prayer, thanking God for his Mommy, Daddy, brothers, sister, Grandma, and all his aunts and uncles. Then he began to thank God for the food.

He gave thanks for the turkey, the stuffing, the Christmas pudding, even the cranberry sauce. Then lee paused, and everyone waited ... and waited. After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his mother and asked, "If I thank God for the Brussels sprouts, won't he know that I'm lying?"
20 Ways to confuse Santa
1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.

3. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.

4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.

5. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."

6. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.

7. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.

8. Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."

9. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.

10. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.

11. Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.

12. Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue.

13. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.

14. Cut a big hole in your roof and cover it with a blanket, so that when Santa tries to land on your roof his sleigh crashes into your living room. Explain that you've been having problems with termites.

15. Set up your living room to look like a workshop, and have people dressed up like elves making toys. When Santa comes, sneer and say, "What's the matter? Afraid of a little competition?"

16. While he's on the roof, yell up to Santa, asking if he'll mind adjusting your TV antenna. When he does so, tell him, "That's good" and don't let him move until the "commercial" comes on.

17. Put on a giant tree costume, and wear a sign that says, "Man-eating Tree - Stay Back." When Santa comes, wave your arms angrily and chase him back up the chimney.

18. Scatter the parts of a disassembled bicycle around your living room. Get Santa to help you put it together.

19. Set up bowling pins in front of your fireplace. When Santa comes down the chimney, throw the ball at him. Angrily tell him to get out of your lane.

20. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come, and then put up your fists and say,"This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."
A sobbing Ms Murphy approaches Fr O’Grady after mass.

He says: “So what’s bothering you?”

She replies: “Oh, Father, I’ve terrible news. My husband passed away last night.”

The priest says: “Oh, Mary, that’s terrible. Did he have any last requests?”

"Certainly father," she replied. “He said: “Please Mary, put down that damn gun.
What sport do you use a wombat in?

How do you make a bear cross?
Nail two together

What's the stupidest animal in the rain forest?
The polar bear
What are the three steps to putting an elephant in the fridge?
Open door. Put elephant in fridge. Close door.

What are the 4 steps to putting a giraffe in the fridge?
Open door. Remove elephant. Put giraffe in. Close door.

The Lion King is having a party, and all the animals in the jungle are attending but one. Which one, and why?
The giraffe. It was stuck in a fridge.
And the Lord said unto John "Come forth, and you shall receive eternal life."
But John came fifth, and won a toaster.
A Texan farmer went to Australia for a holiday. He met an Aussie farmer and they started talking. The Aussie showed off his big wheat field and the Texan said 'Oh! We have wheat fields which are twice as big. '

They walked around the farm and the Aussie showed off his cattle. The Texan immediately said 'We have longhorns which are at least twice as large as your cows."

The conversation had almost died when the Texan saw a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asked: 'And what are those?'
The Aussie replied with an incredulous look: 'Don't you have grasshoppers in Texas?'
The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and She asked the question:
'When you die and go to Heaven... Which part of your body goes first?'

Suzy raised her hand and said: 'I think it's your hands.'
'Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?'
Suzy replied: 'Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.'
'What a wonderful answer!' the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said: 'Sister, I think it's your feet.'
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.
'Now, Little Johnny, why do you Think it would be your feet?'
Little Johnny said: 'Well, I walked into Mummy and Daddy's bedroom the other night, Mummy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying:
'Oh ! God, I'm coming!'
If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."
The Nun fainted!.
A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"
At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says,
"Grandpa,....... Go home, you're drunk.
Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.

Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

This story happened a while ago in Dublin, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, its said to be true!

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.

The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.. only to realise there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on

The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a bend approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the bend, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralysed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realised he was crying and.... wasn't drunk.

Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other...

'Look Paddy.....there's that fooking idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!'

This is true of course.

In a court in Killarney, deep in Munster, Ireland, this conversation is reported to have taken place:

Lawyer: 'At the scene of the accident, Mr O'Shea, did you tell the Garda officer that you had never felt better in your life?'

O'Shea the farmer: 'That's right, sir.'

Lawyer: 'Well then, Mr O'Shea, how is it that you are now claiming you were seriously injured when my client's car hit your cart?'

O'Shea the farmer: 'When the Garda arrived, he went over to my horse, who had a broken leg, and shot him. Then he went over to Darcy, my dog, who was badly hurt, and shot him.

Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?' I just thought under the circumstances, it was a wise choice of words to say: 'I've never felt better in my life.'
A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandfather in the hospital. "How are you grandpa?" he asks. "Feeling fine," says the old man. "What's the food like?" "Terrific, wonderful menus." "And the nursing?". "Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you." "What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?" "No problem at all. Nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet, and that's it. I go out like a light." The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the Sister in charge.
"What are you people doing," he says, "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old a Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?" Oh, yes," replies the Sister. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The hot chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed!"
Three blonde men are stranded on an island.
Suddenly a fairy appears and offers to grant each one a wish.

The 1st blonde asks to be intelligent. Instantly, he is turned into a brown haired man and swims off the island.

The 2nd blonde asks to be more intelligent than the 1st, so he is turned into a black haired man. The black haired man builds a boat and sails off the island.

The 3rd blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the previous two.The fairy turns him into a woman, and she walks across the bridge.
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