CQ's Jokes

[CQ:)]

Barbies 50th

It's about time this happened to her....

====================
YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2010 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave..

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you...

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your mobile
phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of
the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your mobile phone, which you didn't
have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause
for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your
coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

12.. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to
forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no 9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a no 9 on this list.

AND NOW YOU ARE LAUGHING AT YOURSELF

Go on, forward this to your friends. You know you want to.

 

[Shelley]

**Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,**

**'Hello?'**


**'Hi honey.**
**This is Daddy.**
**Is Mommy near the phone?'**

**'No, Daddy.**
**She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Gabe.'**

**After a brief pause,**
**Daddy says,**
**'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Gabe.'**

**'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,**
**Right now..'**

Brief Pause.

**'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.**
**Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**
**And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy**
**That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'**


**'Okay Daddy, Just a minute.'**

**A few minutes later**
**The little girl comes back to the phone.**

**'I did it, Daddy.'**

**'And what happened, honey?' **

'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.**

**Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser**
**And now she isn't moving at all!'**


**'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Gabe?'**

**'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.**
**He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window**
**And into the swimming pool..**
**But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it.**

**He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'**

*****Long Pause*****

*****Longer Pause*****


*****Even Longer Pause*****

**Then Daddy says,**
**'Swimming pool?............**

**Is this 486-5731?'*


**No, I think you have the wrong number........*

 

[CQ:)]

This is hilarious!!! Remember this the next time you need to return something and they are giving you a hard time!!!!!!!


A woman went to the service counter and told the clerk she wanted a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work. The clerk told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special..

Suddenly, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started screaming,


'PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!'

The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager in front of a growing crowd of customers.

The manager comes to the woman and asks, 'Ma'am what's wrong?'


She explains the problem with the toaster, and he also tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and screams,



'PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!'

Which begins to draw an even bigger crowd!

In shock, the store manager pleads, 'Ma'am, why are you saying that?'


In a huff, the woman says,



'BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES PINCHED WHEN I'M BEING SCREWED !!'

The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded!!


Now stop laughing and send it to your friends.

 

[CQ:)]

An Arab student sends an e-mail to his Dad saying:

Dear Dad,
Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad,
I am bit ashamed to arrive at my college with my Gold Mercedes, when all
My Teachers travel by train.
Your Son
Nasser

Sometime later, Nasser gets a reply to his e-mail from his Dad:


Loving son,
Twenty Million Dollars transferred to your account, please stop
Embarrassing us, go and get yourself a train too.
Your Dad

 

[CQ:)]

With all the new technology regarding fertility recently,
a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth.
When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.
'May I see the new baby?' I asked
'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.'
Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'
'No, not yet,' She said.
After another few minutes had elapsed,
I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'
'No, not yet,' replied my friend.
Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'
'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.
'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'
'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!!'

 

[CQ:)]

Aussie Humour

An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe' with a full-grown emu behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.

The truckie says,'A hamburger,chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu,'What's yours?'
'I'll have the same,' says the emu.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches
into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment..

The next day,the man and the emu come again and he says,'A hamburger,chips and a coke.'
The emu says, 'I'll have the same.'

Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again.
'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.
'Same,' says the emu.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer.'Excuse me,mate,how do you manage to
always come up with the exact change in your pocket everytime?'

'Well, love' says the truckie,'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an
old lamp.When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I
ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always
be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress.'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but
you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says
the man.

The waitress asks,'What's with the bloody emu?'

The truckie sighs,pauses, and answers,'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long
legs,who agrees with everything I say.'

 

[CQ:)]

The Story of Adam & Eve's Pets

Adam and Eve said, 'Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day.
Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.'

And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who
will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you
cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be,
this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in
spite of yourselves.'

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.

And it was a good animal and God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, 'Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I
cannot think of a name for this new animal.'

And God said, 'I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for
you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.'

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and
was a companion to them and loved them.

And they were comforted.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, 'Lord,
Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks
and they believe they are worthy of adoration.
Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.'


And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who
will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations,
so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.'


And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.

And Adam and Eve learned humility.

And they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased..

And Dog was happy.

And Cat . . .

didn't give a s**t one way or the other.

 

[CQ:)]

Advantages of living after 50!

Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you too. Don't laugh.....it is all true...

Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70 or even worse, over 70



01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.



02.. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.



03. No one expects you to run--anywhere.



04. People call at 9 pm and ask,"did I wake you?"



05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.



06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.



07. Things you buy now won't wear out.



08. You can eat supper at 4 pm.



09. You can live without sex but not your glasses.



10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.



11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.



12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.



13. You sing along with elevator music.



14. Your eyes won't get much worse.



15.. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.



16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.



17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.



18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.



19. You can't remember who sent you this list.



20.And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.



Forward this to every one you can remember right now!


Most importantly, never, ever, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative

 

[CQ:)]

WHAT PART OF YOUR BODY GOES TO HEAVEN FIRST?

The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she
asked the question, 'When you die and go to Heaven, which part of your body
goes first?'

Suzy raised her hand and said, 'I think it's your hands.'

'Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?'

Suzy replied: 'Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front
of you and God just takes your hands first.'

'What a wonderful answer!', the nun said.

Little Johnny who had clearly been thinking quietly, raised his hand and said, 'Sister, I think it's your feet.'

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. 'Now, Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?'

Johnny said: 'Well, I walked into Mum and Dad's bedroom the other night.
Mom had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying: 'Oh God! I'm coming!' If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."

The Nun fainted!

 

[CQ:)]

With age comes Wisdom! How true!

A guy is 72 years old and loves to fish.

He was sitting in his boat the other day when
he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.'

He looked around and couldn't see anyone.

He thought he was dreaming when
he heard the voice say again, 'Pick me up.'

He looked in the water and there,floating on the top,was a frog.

The man said,'Are you talking to me?'

The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up then,
kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.
I'll make sure that all your friends are envious
and jealous because I will be your bride!'

The man looked at the frog for a short time,reached over,
picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front pocket.

The frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said?
I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,
'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'

With age comes wisdom.

 

[CQ:)]

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high, you might want to consider this:

My wife and I are travelling by car from Victoria to Prince George .
Being Seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, we were too tired
to continue, and decided to take a room. But, we only planned to sleep
for four hours and then get back on the road. When we checked out four
hours later, the desk clerk handed us a bill for $350.00.

I explode and demanded to know why the charge is so high.I told the
clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth
$350.00 for four hours. Then the clerk tells me that $350.00 is the
'standard rate'. I insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to me, and then explains that the hotel has
an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available
for us to use.'But we didn't use them," I said.''Well, they are here,
and you could have," explained the Manager.

He went on to explain that we could also have taken in one of the shows
for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from New York ,
Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

But we didn't go to any of those shows," I said. "Well, we have them,
and you could have," the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, I replied,"But we didn't use it!"

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually I gave up and agreed to pay.

I wrote a cheque and gave it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque. "But sir, this
cheque is only made out for $50.00." ''That's correct. I charged you
$300.00 for sleeping with my wife," I replied.

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

I said, "Well, too bad, she was here, and you could have."

Don't mess with Senior Citizens

 

[CQ:)]

Got my son an iPhone for his birthday the other week
and recently got my daughter an iPod for hers .

I was dead chuffed when the family clubbed together and bought me an iPad for Father’s day.

Got my wife an iRon for her birthday.


It was around then the fight started......

 

[CQ:)]

The Outback Half-Wit

A man owned a small farm in Australia .

The Fair Work Australia Office claimed he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent a representative out to interview him.

'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the rep.
'Well,' replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $500 a week plus free room and board.
He also gets triple time for working on a Sunday and a slab of beer for a Happy Hour every Friday"

'The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $400 per week plus free room and board. She doesn't work on Sundays and I provide paid satellite television for free in her room.

'Then there's the half-wit.He works about 18 hours every day
and does about 90% of all the work around here.
He makes about $20 per week, Pays his own room and board,
and I buy him a bottle of whiskey every Saturday night.
He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.'

'That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit,' says the agent.

'That would be me,' replied the farmer.

 

[CQ:)]

What is Celibacy?

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by
circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Weekend, Walter and his wife,
Ann, listened to
the instructor declare, 'It is essential that husbands
and wives know the
things that are important to each other.."

He then addressed the men,
'Can you name and describe your wife's favorite
flower?'

Walter leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently, and
whispered,

'Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn't it?'

And thus began Walter's life of celibacy.........​

​

 

[CQ:)]

A little three year old boy is sitting on the toilet.

His mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what's up.

The little boy is sitting on the toilet reading a book.
But about every 10 seconds or so he puts the book down, grips onto the toilet seat with his left hand and hits himself on top of the head with his right hand.

His mother says: "billy, are you all right? You've been in here for a while".

Billy says: "i'm fine, mummy... I just haven't done it yet. "

mother says: "ok, you can stay here a few more minutes.
But, billy, why are you hitting yourself on the head?"

billy says: "it works for tomato sauce!"

 

[Shelley]

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined." "It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer. "Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?" "Oh no! This judge is a stickler or ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge." Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!" "I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them." "But, I did send them." "What? You did?" said the lawyer, incredulously. "Yes. That's how we won the case." "I don't understand," said the lawyer. "It's easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card."

 

[Shelley]

There was an engineer, manager and programmer driving down a steep mountain road. The brakes failed and the car careened down the road out of control. Half way down the driver managed to stop the car by running it against the embankment narrowing avoiding going over a cliff. They all got out, shaken by their narrow escape from death, but otherwise unharmed. The manager said "To fix this problem we need to organize a committee, have meetings, and through a process of continuous improvement, develop a solution." The engineer said "No that would take too long, and besides that method never worked before. I have my trusty pen knife here and will take apart the brake system, isolate the problem and correct it." The programmer said "I think you're both wrong! I think we should all push the car back up the hill and see if it happens again."

 

[CQ:)]

Italian Grandma's Advice!



A young Italian girl was going on a date.

Her Nonna said: 'Sita here ana letame tella you about this-a younga boy.
He's agonna try ana kiss you, you are agonna likea dat, but don't let him do dat.

He's agonna try ana kiss your breasts, you are agonna likea dat too, but don'ta let him do dat eeda.

But mosta important, he's agonna try ana lay on topa you, you are agonna really likea dat, but don'ta let him do dat for sure.Doing thata willa disgraza our family.'

With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date.

The next day she told grandma that her date went just like she had predicted: 'And Nonna, I didn't let him disgrace our family as you said.
When he tried to lay on top of me, I just rolled him over,
got on top of him, and disgraced HIS family!'

Nonna fainted!!

 

[CQ:)]

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Walmart.

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
“What do you think you're doing?” asks his wife.
“They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,” he replies.
“Put them back; we can't afford them demands the wife,” and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
“What do you think you're doing?” asks her husband.
“It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,” replies the wife.

Her husband retorts, “So does 24 cans of Budweiser, and it's half the price!”

On the PA system, “Clean-up on aisle 25; we have a husband down.”

 

[neilB]

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie.
'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.'
So he tied her up and went golfing.


*****************************************

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.
She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my Gosh! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?'
'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'




********************************************

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.



*************************************

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
'Can you read this?' the optician asked.
'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'


******************************************

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.'
'Thank Goodness,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonay..'





********************************************

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'
The wife stared at him.
'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'
The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'



********************************************************

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

*******************************************