CQ's Jokes

[CQ:)]

Two Red Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods.
All of a sudden one of the Red Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering, 'Wooooo! Hooooo! Woooooo! Hooooo!' He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about, 'Was the other Indian crazy or what?'

The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Hooooo!Wooooo! Hooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us.'

Just then they came upon another cave.

The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered, 'Wooooo! Hooooo! Wooooo Hooooo!!' Immediately, there was the answer. 'Wooooo! Hooooo!Wooooo! Hooooo!' from deep inside.

He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.

The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, 'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!'

He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might 'Wooooo! Hooooo! Wooooo Hooooo!!' Like the others, he then heard an answering call, 'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO!WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!'

With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave,tearing off his clothes as he ran.


The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read................









You'll like this

























NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!

 

[Z J]

ROFLOL!!!:e:

 

[seizingbeauty]

Not all of this is accurate but funny none the less

Cultural Differences

On Socialism
Americans: Believe that people should look out for and take care of themselves.
Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.
Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.
Canadians: Believe that that's the government's job.

On Nationality
Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Poms (Brits) when abroad.
Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.

Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.


On Patriotism
Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.
Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.
Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.
Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing them.

On TV
Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no one actually there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.
Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch 4 channels.
Canadians: Don't watch Canadian TV because they can get more American channels.


On Sport
Americans: Love to watch sports on the idiot box.
Aussies: Will only watch sports with lots of blood and guts.
Brits: Love to watch sports in stadiums so they can fight with other fans.
Canadians: Prefer to actually engage in sports rather than watch them.

Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball and basketball.
Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they play them in.
Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Aussies in every sport they play them in, and how they won the World Cup in 1966.
Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.

On Language
Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it "English."
Aussies: Don't care about spelling or pronunciation.
Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it "English."
Canadians: Spell words like the Brits, but pronounce them like Americans.


On Shopping
Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, petrol and alcohol in a backwards country.
Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, petrol and alcohol in a backwards country.

On Beverages
Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.
Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.
Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting piss.
Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer.


On Money
Americans: Seem to think that poverty and failure are morally suspect.
Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.
Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited things.

Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.

On Immigration
Americans: Encourage immigrants to assimilate quickly and dump their old ways.
Aussies: Encourage immigrants to go home quickly.
Brits: Encourages immigrants to go to Canada or America.
Canadians: Encourage immigrants to keep their old ways and avoid assimilation.

On the Weather
Americans: Couldn't care less about the weather.
Aussies: Don't understand what inclement weather means.
Brits: Endure oppressively wet and dreary winters and are proud of it.
Canadians: Endure bitterly cold winters and are proud of it.

On Humour
Americans: Think that all Canadian comedians are American!
Aussies: Have produced comedians like Paul Hogan and Yahoo Serious.
Brits: Have produced many great comedians, but Americans ignore them because they cann't understand them.
Canadians: Have produced many great comedians, like John Candy, Martin Short, Jim Carrey, Dan Akroyd etc.


On Citizenship
Americans: Are proud of the accomplishments of their present citizens.
Aussies: Are proud of the crimes of their past citizens.
Brits: Are proud of the accomplishments of their past citizens.
Canadians: Prattle on about how some of those great American citizens were once Canadian.

 

[CQ:)]

The "Wellie Boot's"
(Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this one!)

Did you hear about the Pre-School teacher who was helping one

of the children put on his "Wellie boot's"?
He asked for help and she could see why..
Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little "Wellie's" still didn't want to go on.

By the time they got the second "Wellie" on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said, "Miss, they're on the wrong feet."

She looked, and sure enough, they were.

It wasn't any easier pulling the "Wellie's" off than it was putting them on.

She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the "Wellie's" back on,

this time on the right feet..

He then announced, "These aren't my Wellies."
She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream,

'Why didn't you say so?' like she wanted to.

Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting "Wellie's" off his little feet.

No sooner had they gotten the "Wellie's" off when he said,

"They're my brother's "Wellie's", My mom made me wear 'them.'

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry.

But, she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the "Wellie's" on his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your gloves?"

He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my Wellie's so I wouldn't lose them ".

She will be eligible for parole in three years!

 

[CQ:)]

When Julie Andrews turned 69 she made a special appearance at Manhattan 's Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP. One of the musical numbers she performed was "My Favourite Things" from the legendary movie "The Sound Of Music."

Here are the actual lyrics she used:

Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favourite things.

Cadillac's and cataracts, and hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favourite things..

When the pipes leak, When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favourite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favourite things.

Back pains, confused brains, and no need for sinnin',
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short, shrunken frames,
When we remember our favourite things.

When the joints ache, When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.

Ms. Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd that lasted over four minutes and repeated encores. Please share Ms. Andrews' clever wit and humour with others who would appreciate it.

 

[CQ:)]

A woman in her thirties is at home happily jumping unclothed, on her bed and squealing with delight.

Her husband watches her for a while and asks, 'Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?'

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, 'I don't care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18-year-old.'

The husband replies, 'What did he say about your 50-year old arse?'

'Your name never came up,' she replied

 

[lonnie]

Thank you foor helping during bad times

A laugh is such a good thing to have when times are going bad. That's why it has taken me so long to keep in touch with anyone in CopingWithEpilepsy. Thank you so much for not giving up on me.:clap:

 

[lonnie]

Did I manage to find the option foor quick reply to CQ ?

 

[CQ:)]

Blonde leading the blonde

 

[CQ:)]

A laugh is such a good thing to have when times are going bad. That's why it has taken me so long to keep in touch with anyone in CopingWithEpilepsy. Thank you so much for not giving up on me.:clap:

You are welcome Lonnie.

I find the best way to cope with my epilepsy & other things going on is to have a good sense of humor aswell as try to think positive.

 

[CQ:)]

Exquisite British humour!!

The train was quite crowded, and a U.S. marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular
' Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.

'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired..'

She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place!'

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.

You hold the fork in the wrong hand.

You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road.

And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong b***h out the window'.

 

[CQ:)]

Did you know that Eagles mate for life?

Well one day Harry the Eagle waited at the nest for Mary, his darling of 10 glorious years.
After a while when she didn't return he went looking and found her. She had been shot dead!

Harry was devastated, but after about six minutes of mourning he decided that he must get himself another mate, but since there weren't any lady eagles available he'd have to cross the feather barrier.

So he flew off to find a new mate. He found a lovely dove and brought her back to the nest.
The sex was good but all the dove would say is ...... 'I am a DOVE, I want to love! I am a DOVE, I want to love!'

Well this so got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the dove out of the nest and flew off once more to find a mate..

He soon found a very sexy loon and brought her back to the nest. Again the sex was good but all the loon would say is........
'I am a LOON, I want to spoon! I am a LOON, I want to spoon!' So out with the loon.

Once more he flew off to find a mate. This time he found a gorgeous duck and he brought the duck back to the nest. This time the sex was great, but all the duck would say was.....


NO, The duck didn't say THAT !

Don't be SO disgusting!

The duck said....



'I am a DRAKE,
You made a MISTAKE!!

 

[CQ:)]

The Polite Way to Pee

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'

Michael said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'

The teacher responded by saying:
'That would be rude and impolite’.

What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'

Sherman said:
'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom.
I'll be right back.'

'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the
word bathroom at the dinner table.

And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'

Johnny said:
'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a
moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'

The teacher fainted.

 

[CQ:)]

The blonde and the cow

A blonde city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy,

'The A.I. man is coming over to impregnate one of our
Cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's
Stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'

The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial
Insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.

Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when
Amy sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.'

The man, assuming he is dealing with an air head blonde, asks, 'Tell me
Lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the right cow
To be bred?'

'That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall,' she
Explains very confidently.

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?'

The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder,

'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'

(It's nice to see a blonde winning once in a while.)

 

[CQ:)]

This should make you smile. You have to love little kids.

The children began to identify the flavours by their colour:

Red.....................Raspberry
Yellow.................Lemon
Green..................Lime
Orange ...............Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None of the children could identify the taste.

The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.'

One little girl looked up in horror, spat her lifesaver out and yelled, 'Oh my God! They're arse holes!'

The teacher had to leave the room!

 

[p59]

Lmao

 

[neilB]

After many years, a young Jewish Talmud student who had left the old country for America returns to visit the family.

"But--where is your beard?" asks his mother upon seeing him.

"Mama," he replies, "in America, nobody wears a beard."

"But at least you keep the Sabbath?"
"Mama, business is business. In America, everybody works on the Sabbath."

"But kosher food you still eat?"

"Mama, in America, it is very difficult to keep kosher."

The old lady ponders this information and then leans over and whispers in his ear, "Isaac, tell me--you’re still circumcised?"

 

[lonnie]

Thank you I need the laughter

After many years, a young Jewish Talmud student who had left the old country for America returns to visit the family.

"But--where is your beard?" asks his mother upon seeing him.

"Mama," he replies, "in America, nobody wears a beard."

"But at least you keep the Sabbath?"
"Mama, business is business. In America, everybody works on the Sabbath."

"But kosher food you still eat?"

"Mama, in America, it is very difficult to keep kosher."

The old lady ponders this information and then leans over and whispers in his ear, "Isaac, tell me--you’re still circumcised?"

Thank you I need the laughs:banana:

 

[neilB]

Father and Son

A father and son are walking through the woods. The son sees a butterfly on the ground in front of him and he steps on it and kills it. The father sternly says, "No butter for you for a week!" They continue walking and come across a honey bee. The sons quickly steps on the bee and kills it. The father again says sternly, "NO honey for you for a week!" They decide to go home. At home they are standing in the kitchen and the wife sees a cockroach and quickly steps on it and kills it. The son turns to his father and says, "Do you want me to tell her or are you going to do it?"

 

[CQ:)]

Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking.

Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date.
I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with
you about him before I give him my answer."

Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M,
dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit,
and he brings me such beautiful flowers!

Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car...
a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all.
Then he takes me out for dinner... a marvelous dinner... lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks.
Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure!
So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL.
Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress
and has his way with me two times!"

Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't
go out with him?"

Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."