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BuckeyeFan
Grandpa
- Messages
- 1,956
- Reaction score
- 40
- Points
- 173
GRANDKIDS
1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before.. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But GGram ma you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye.....
2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 62. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"
3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair.. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice,
"Who was THAT?"
4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire, it hung from a tree in our front yard We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we alike?''...... "You're both old," he replied.
6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked.
"I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."
7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these, yourself!"
8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."
9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure..." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised, "mine says I'm 4 to 6."
10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool.. "That's interesting," she said, "how do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."
11. Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote:
"The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.
"Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."
12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one child.
"No," said another. "He's just for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close."They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."
13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived.
"Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."
14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good good things, but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!
15.. My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over you hear gas leaks, and they blame their dog.
1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before.. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But GGram ma you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye.....
2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 62. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"
3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair.. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice,
"Who was THAT?"
4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire, it hung from a tree in our front yard We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we alike?''...... "You're both old," he replied.
6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked.
"I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."
7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these, yourself!"
8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."
9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure..." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised, "mine says I'm 4 to 6."
10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool.. "That's interesting," she said, "how do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."
11. Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote:
"The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.
"Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."
12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one child.
"No," said another. "He's just for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close."They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."
13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived.
"Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."
14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good good things, but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!
15.. My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over you hear gas leaks, and they blame their dog.
CQ:)
Veteran
- Messages
- 4,592
- Reaction score
- 373
- Points
- 198
Two businessmen in Cardiff were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new shop...
As yet, the shop wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some pensioner is going to walk by,put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old woman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked, "What are you selling here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling a**holes."
Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "Must be doing well,only two left."
Pensioners -- don't mess with them!!!!!!
As yet, the shop wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some pensioner is going to walk by,put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old woman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked, "What are you selling here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling a**holes."
Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "Must be doing well,only two left."
Pensioners -- don't mess with them!!!!!!
BuckeyeFan
Grandpa
- Messages
- 1,956
- Reaction score
- 40
- Points
- 173
1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from putting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cellphone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!
24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
Ladies.....Quit Laughing.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from putting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cellphone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!
24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
Ladies.....Quit Laughing.
seizingbeauty
New
- Messages
- 664
- Reaction score
- 0
- Points
- 0
OMG Buckeye once again I have proven to my co-workers that I am crazy while laughing like a drunken hyena
CQ:)
Veteran
- Messages
- 4,592
- Reaction score
- 373
- Points
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Sensible monkey
A man walks into a bar with his pet monkey.
He sits down at the bar to have a drink when the bartender screams,
"Did you see what your Monkey just did?"
"No, what?" asks the man
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table...WHOLE!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy,
"He eats everything in sight, I'm sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the
monkey ate and leaves.
Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again and has his Monkey with
him. He orders a drink and the Monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is finishing his drink, the Monkey finds a bowl of
Maraschino Cherries on the bar.
He grabs one, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out and eats it. Then
the Monkey finds a peanut, again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted,
"Did you see what your Monkey did now?"
"No, what?" replied the man.
"Well, he stuck a cherry and a peanut up his a**e, pulled them out
and ate them!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," the guy replied,
"He still eats everything in sight but ever since he had to sh**
that cue ball, he measures everything first."
A man walks into a bar with his pet monkey.
He sits down at the bar to have a drink when the bartender screams,
"Did you see what your Monkey just did?"
"No, what?" asks the man
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table...WHOLE!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy,
"He eats everything in sight, I'm sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the
monkey ate and leaves.
Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again and has his Monkey with
him. He orders a drink and the Monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is finishing his drink, the Monkey finds a bowl of
Maraschino Cherries on the bar.
He grabs one, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out and eats it. Then
the Monkey finds a peanut, again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted,
"Did you see what your Monkey did now?"
"No, what?" replied the man.
"Well, he stuck a cherry and a peanut up his a**e, pulled them out
and ate them!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," the guy replied,
"He still eats everything in sight but ever since he had to sh**
that cue ball, he measures everything first."
CQ:)
Veteran
- Messages
- 4,592
- Reaction score
- 373
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5 old ladies
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 KPH.
Says he to himself: "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"
So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies,
two in the front seat and three in the back...wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...Twenty-two kilometers an hour!" ..the old woman says a bit proudly.
The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22 is the highway number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask...Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a peep this whole time," the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Highway 189."
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 KPH.
Says he to himself: "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"
So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies,
two in the front seat and three in the back...wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...Twenty-two kilometers an hour!" ..the old woman says a bit proudly.
The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22 is the highway number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask...Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a peep this whole time," the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Highway 189."
op::roflmao: i needed a good laugh today!
CQ:)
Veteran
- Messages
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- Reaction score
- 373
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Ducks in heaven !!!
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, 'We only have one rule here in heaven:
Don't step on the ducks!'
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them,
the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to
Spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck
and along comes St. Peter, Who doesn't miss a thing.
With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together
With the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man,
is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St.Peter comes up to her
with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on .... Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman says,
'I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?'
The guy says, 'I don't know about you, But I stepped on a Duck.'
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, 'We only have one rule here in heaven:
Don't step on the ducks!'
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them,
the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to
Spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck
and along comes St. Peter, Who doesn't miss a thing.
With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together
With the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man,
is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St.Peter comes up to her
with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on .... Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman says,
'I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?'
The guy says, 'I don't know about you, But I stepped on a Duck.'
CQ:)
Veteran
- Messages
- 4,592
- Reaction score
- 373
- Points
- 198
Husband: Oh, come on.
Wife: Leave me alone!
Husband: It won't take long.
Wife: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.
Husband: I can't sleep without it.
Wife: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?
Husband: Because I'm Hot.
Wife: You get hot at the darnedest times.
Husband: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.
Wife: If you love me you'd be more considerate.
Husband: You don't love me anymore.
Wife: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.
Husband: Please...come on
Wife: Alright, I'll do it.
Husband: What's the matter? Need a flashlight?
Wife: I can't find it.
Husband: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it!
Wife: There! Are you satisfied?
Husband: Oh, yes.
Wife: Is it up far enough?
Husband: ! Oh, that's good.
Wife: Now go to sleep, and from now on when you want the window open, do it yourself.
Wife: Leave me alone!
Husband: It won't take long.
Wife: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.
Husband: I can't sleep without it.
Wife: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?
Husband: Because I'm Hot.
Wife: You get hot at the darnedest times.
Husband: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.
Wife: If you love me you'd be more considerate.
Husband: You don't love me anymore.
Wife: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.
Husband: Please...come on
Wife: Alright, I'll do it.
Husband: What's the matter? Need a flashlight?
Wife: I can't find it.
Husband: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it!
Wife: There! Are you satisfied?
Husband: Oh, yes.
Wife: Is it up far enough?
Husband: ! Oh, that's good.
Wife: Now go to sleep, and from now on when you want the window open, do it yourself.
CQ:)
Veteran
- Messages
- 4,592
- Reaction score
- 373
- Points
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Old Men at Breakfast Chatting...
"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always
feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and
nothing comes out."
"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you
don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit
on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.
"No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat
rock; no problem at all."
"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"
"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."
Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and
crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00."
"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always
feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and
nothing comes out."
"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you
don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit
on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.
"No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat
rock; no problem at all."
"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"
"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."
Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and
crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00."
CQ:)
Veteran
- Messages
- 4,592
- Reaction score
- 373
- Points
- 198
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan
desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties.
The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie?
They are only $5."
The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need
water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"
"OK," said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to
buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."
Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill Several hours later he
staggered back, almost dead & said, "Your f****ing brother won't let me in without a tie!"
desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties.
The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie?
They are only $5."
The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need
water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"
"OK," said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to
buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."
Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill Several hours later he
staggered back, almost dead & said, "Your f****ing brother won't let me in without a tie!"
CQ:)
Veteran
- Messages
- 4,592
- Reaction score
- 373
- Points
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The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door.
Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes on the floor with the paw prints are yours and contain your food The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate does not mean that is suddenly your food, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairways and halls were not designed by NASCAR and are not racetracks. Racing me to the top of the stairs or end of hall is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It Is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space that you are taking up, is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline attendance is not required.
The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.
Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:
TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:
(1) They live here. You don't.
(2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.
(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.
Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
(1) eat less,
(2) don't ask for money all the time,
(3) don't talk back
(4) normally come when called,
(5) never ask to drive the car,
(6) don't hang out with drug-using people;
(7) don't smoke or drink,
(8) don't want to wear your clothes,
(9) don't need a baby sitter when you work
(10) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and
(11) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children.....(*_*)
Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes on the floor with the paw prints are yours and contain your food The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate does not mean that is suddenly your food, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairways and halls were not designed by NASCAR and are not racetracks. Racing me to the top of the stairs or end of hall is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It Is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space that you are taking up, is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline attendance is not required.
The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.
Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:
TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:
(1) They live here. You don't.
(2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.
(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.
Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
(1) eat less,
(2) don't ask for money all the time,
(3) don't talk back
(4) normally come when called,
(5) never ask to drive the car,
(6) don't hang out with drug-using people;
(7) don't smoke or drink,
(8) don't want to wear your clothes,
(9) don't need a baby sitter when you work
(10) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and
(11) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children.....(*_*)
CQ:)
Veteran
- Messages
- 4,592
- Reaction score
- 373
- Points
- 198
Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope "DO
NOT BEND".
Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick the
bloody thing up.
.................................................
Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her
contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"
.................................................
Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to
avoid a tree, then another, then another.
A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road.
Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
Cop says "For gods sake Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging
about!"
.................................................
An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.
His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
"Here boy" he replies.
.................................................
Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his
feet.
"What the hell you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself" Paddy replies.
"It should be around your neck" says the Guard.
"I know" says Paddy "but I couldn't breathe".
.................................................
An American tourist asks an Irishman:
"Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the Irishman replies:
"If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the bloody boat...
NOT BEND".
Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick the
bloody thing up.
.................................................
Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her
contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"
.................................................
Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to
avoid a tree, then another, then another.
A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road.
Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
Cop says "For gods sake Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging
about!"
.................................................
An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.
His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
"Here boy" he replies.
.................................................
Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his
feet.
"What the hell you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself" Paddy replies.
"It should be around your neck" says the Guard.
"I know" says Paddy "but I couldn't breathe".
.................................................
An American tourist asks an Irishman:
"Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the Irishman replies:
"If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the bloody boat...
CQ:)
Veteran
- Messages
- 4,592
- Reaction score
- 373
- Points
- 198
THE DIFFERENCE IF YOU MARRY AN AUSTRALIAN GIRL
Three friends married women from different parts of the world.....
The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a Thai. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a girl from Australia . He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything either but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees.
Three friends married women from different parts of the world.....
The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a Thai. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a girl from Australia . He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything either but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees.