CQ's Jokes

[CQ:)]

A guy sat down at the bar and ordered a beer.
The bartender filled his mug and slid it down the bar.

While sliding down the bar, the mug hit a blond woman's boobs and splashed all over them...
The bartender went over, retrieved the mug and licked the beer off her boobs.


Each time the guy called for another beer this happened.
After his third beer, the guy decided to help the bartender out..
The next time the bartender hit her boobs, the man jumped up and started to lick them...
She decked him!


He was laying on the floor moaning, 'Jeez lady... Why'd you let the bartender lick your boobs, but not me?'

'Duh,' said the blond, 'He has a licker license!'

 

[Z J]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. She laid her pet on the table. The vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's heart. "I'm so sorry; your pet duck has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead," the vet replied.

"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few moments later with a black Labrador retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.

He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird from its beak to its tail and back again.

The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys, and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "150!" she cried. "150 just to tell me my duck is dead?"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been twenty dollars. But, what with the Lab Report and the CAT scan, it all adds up.

I used to do that skit (^) with my co-conspirator in crime as boys in Webelos. Too bad those times pass all too quickly.

 

[CQ:)]

Growing old

Someone asked the other day, 'What was your favorite fast food when you were growing up?'
'We didn't have fast food when I was growing up,' I informed him.
'All the food was slow.'

'C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?'
'It was a place called 'at home,'' I explained. !
'Mum cooked every day and when Dad got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit there until I did like it.'

By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table.

But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I figured his system could have handled it :
Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore Levis , set foot on a golf course, traveled out of the country or had a credit card.
My parents never drove me to school. I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed, (slow).
We didn't have a television in our house until I was 19.
It was, of course, black and white, and the station went off the air at midnight, after playing the national anthem and a poem about God; it came back on the air at about 6 a.m. And there was usually a locally produced news and farm show on, featuring local people...

I never had a telephone in my room.The only phone was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the line.
Pizzas were not delivered to our home... But milk was.
All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers --my brother delivered a newspaper, six days a week.* He had to get up at 6AM every morning.
Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the movies. There were no movie ratings because all movies were responsibly produced for everyone to enjoy viewing, without profanity or violence or most anything offensive


MEMORIES from a friend :
My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother's house (she died in December) and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it.. I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to 'sprinkle' clothes with because we didn't have steam irons. Man, I am old.
How many do you remember?
Head lights dimmer switches on the floor.
Ignition switches on the dashboard.
Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.
Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner.
Using hand signals for cars without turn signals.

Older Than Dirt Quiz :
Count all the ones that you remember not the ones you were told about.
Ratings at the bottom.

1.Candy cigarettes
2.Coffee shops with tableside juke boxes
3.Home milk delivery in glass bottles
4. Party lines on the telephone
5.Newsreels before the movie
6.TV test patterns that came on at night after the last show and were there until TV shows started again in the morning. (there were only 3 channels [if you were fortunate])
7.Peashooters
8. Howdy Doody
9. 45 RPM records
10.Hi-if's
11. Metal ice trays with lever
12. Blue flashbulb
13.Cork popguns
14. Studebakers
15. Wash tub wringers

If you remembered 0-3 = You're still young.
If you remembered 3-6 = You are getting older.
If you remembered 7-10* = Don't tell your age.
If you remembered 11-15 =You're older than dirt!

I might be older than dirt but those memories are some of the best parts of my life.

Don't forget to pass this along!!
Especially to all your really OLD friends!!!

 

[CQ:)]

Exercise for people over 50

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.

Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

 

[CQ:)]

Pecans in the cemetery

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me' said one boy.. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..'

He just knew what it was.. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls.'

The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.' When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard , 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.'

The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth.
Let's see if we can see the Lord..'

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything.. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all.... Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done.'

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.

 

[BuckeyeFan]

I used to do that skit (^) with my co-conspirator in crime as boys in Webelos. Too bad those times pass all too quickly.

Weren't Scouts great for silly skits like that. Did you ever do this one.


Three Japanese sailors on a submarine.

Captain peering through preiscope: "Ahh, american destroyer, fire torpedo #1"

Ensign to sailor in torpedo room: "Fire Torpedo #1"

Sailor back to Ensign: "How do you fire torpedo #1?"

Ensign back to Captain: "How do you fire torpedo #1?"

Captain to Ensign: "You push the Blue button"

Ensign to sailor: "You push the Blue button"

Sailor: "Ahh, you press the Blue button"

Captain: "Going, going, going, drat we missed"




Captain again peering through preiscope: "Ahh, american cruiser, fire torpedo #2"

Ensign to sailor in torpedo room: "Fire Torpedo #2"

Sailor back to Ensign: "How do you fire torpedo #2?"

Ensign back to Captain: "How do you fire torpedo #2?"

Captain to Ensign: "You push the Green button"

Ensign to sailor: "You push the Green button"

Sailor: "Ahh, you press the Green button"

Captain: "Going, going, going, drat we missed again, very shameful."




Captain still peering through preiscope: "Ahh, american battleship, fire torpedo #3"

Ensign to sailor in torpedo room: "Fire Torpedo #3"

Sailor back to Ensign: "How do you fire torpedo #3?"

Ensign back to Captain: "How do you fire torpedo #3?"

Captain to Ensign: "You push the Red button"

Ensign to sailor: "You push the Red button"

Sailor: "Ahh, you press the Red button"

Captain: "Going, going, going, drat we missed again, this is awful, very shameful. Must commit HARIKARI"

Captain stabs himself and falls to ground.

Ensign: "Very shameful. Must commit HARIKARI"

Ensign stabs himself and falls to ground.

Sailor: "How do you do it?????"

 

[marion]

Three old men are sitting on the porch of a retirement home. The first says, "Fellas, I got real problems. I'm seventy years old. Every morning at seven o'clock I get up and I try to urinate. All day long I try to urinate. They give me all kinds of medicine but nothing helps."

The second old man says, "You think you have problems. I'm eighty years old. Every morning at 8:00 I get up and try to move my bowels. I try all day long. They give me all kinds of stuff but nothing helps."

Finally the third old man speaks up, "Fellas: I'm ninety years old. Every morning at 7:00 sharp I urinate. Every morning at 8:00 I move my bowels. Every morning at 9:00 sharp I wake up."

 

[Rae1889]

Older Than Dirt Quiz :
Count all the ones that you remember not the ones you were told about.
Ratings at the bottom.

1.Candy cigarettes
2.Coffee shops with tableside juke boxes
3.Home milk delivery in glass bottles
4. Party lines on the telephone
5.Newsreels before the movie
6.TV test patterns that came on at night after the last show and were there until TV shows started again in the morning. (there were only 3 channels [if you were fortunate])
7.Peashooters
8. Howdy Doody
9. 45 RPM records
10.Hi-if's
11. Metal ice trays with lever
12. Blue flashbulb
13.Cork popguns
14. Studebakers
15. Wash tub wringers

If you remembered 0-3 = You're still young.
If you remembered 3-6 = You are getting older.
If you remembered 7-10* = Don't tell your age.
If you remembered 11-15 =You're older than dirt!

I might be older than dirt but those memories are some of the best parts of my life.

Wow, Im actually 20yrs old but I remember 8 of those things. #1, #2, #6 (yes 3 channels, black and white tv, and rabbit ears. usually with a chunk of tin foil to help out the signal) #7, #8, #9, #11 and #15. I guess thats what you get when you live in a small town in your grandparents house for a while and they refuse to upgrade to the new technology.

 

[Shelley]

Dirty!

Someone asked the other day, 'What was your favorite fast food when you were growing up?'
'We didn't have fast food when I was growing up,' I informed him.
'All the food was slow.'

'C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?'
'It was a place called 'at home,'' I explained. !
'Mum cooked every day and when Dad got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit there until I did like it.'

By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table.

But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I figured his system could have handled it :
Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore Levis , set foot on a golf course, traveled out of the country or had a credit card.
My parents never drove me to school. I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed, (slow).
We didn't have a television in our house until I was 19.
It was, of course, black and white, and the station went off the air at midnight, after playing the national anthem and a poem about God; it came back on the air at about 6 a.m. And there was usually a locally produced news and farm show on, featuring local people...

I never had a telephone in my room.The only phone was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the line.
Pizzas were not delivered to our home... But milk was.
All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers --my brother delivered a newspaper, six days a week.* He had to get up at 6AM every morning.
Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the movies. There were no movie ratings because all movies were responsibly produced for everyone to enjoy viewing, without profanity or violence or most anything offensive


MEMORIES from a friend :
My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother's house (she died in December) and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it.. I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to 'sprinkle' clothes with because we didn't have steam irons. Man, I am old.
How many do you remember?
Head lights dimmer switches on the floor.
Ignition switches on the dashboard.
Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.
Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner.
Using hand signals for cars without turn signals.

Older Than Dirt Quiz :
Count all the ones that you remember not the ones you were told about.
Ratings at the bottom.

1.Candy cigarettes
2.Coffee shops with tableside juke boxes
3.Home milk delivery in glass bottles
4. Party lines on the telephone
5.Newsreels before the movie
6.TV test patterns that came on at night after the last show and were there until TV shows started again in the morning. (there were only 3 channels [if you were fortunate])
7.Peashooters
8. Howdy Doody
9. 45 RPM records
10.Hi-if's
11. Metal ice trays with lever
12. Blue flashbulb
13.Cork popguns
14. Studebakers
15. Wash tub wringers

If you remembered 0-3 = You're still young.
If you remembered 3-6 = You are getting older.
If you remembered 7-10* = Don't tell your age.
If you remembered 11-15 =You're older than dirt!

I might be older than dirt but those memories are some of the best parts of my life.

Don't forget to pass this along!!
Especially to all your really OLD friends!!!

I'm older than dirt.
I remember getting busted for 'smoking' candy cigarettes.

 

[CQ:)]

I'm in my early 30s & was an 80's kid.
I remember -
Candy cigarettes
TV test patterns that came on at night after the last show and were there until TV shows started again in the morning.
Peashooters
45 RPM records
Metal ice trays with lever

 

[Rae1889]

You know your old if you remember cell phones being the size of your arm.
You know your old if you remember a computer running on DOS
you know your old when the only thing close to calculator was you abicus.
You know your old when you remember not writing on paper in school, but on tiny blackboards.

 

[BuckeyeFan]

How many of you have ACTUALLY USED these tools or kitchen gadgets? This will show some ages.:roflmao:


Tools

cross cut hand saw
wood plane
rasp
hand scroll saw
block and tackle (the tool, not football)
sickle
scythe
trowel
rivit gun
maul
brace and bit
mattock (that will give you a work out)
post hole shovel


Kitchen

meat grinder (the kind mounted on the edge of a table)
pressure cooker for canning
cabbage slicer
crocks for making pickles and such
juicer (the bowl kind, not electric)
potato masher
food mill


I know I am getting old because I used almost every one of these.

 

[seizingbeauty]

My boss walked into my office this morning said "I have C.R.A.F.T syndrome and I think you may have it too" I sat there staring at her for a moment trying to figure out what she meant. After enjoying my confusion she piped up with "Can't Remember A F@%king Thing" I nearly fell of my chair!

 

[CQ:)]

My boss walked into my office this morning said "I have C.R.A.F.T syndrome and I think you may have it too" I sat there staring at her for a moment trying to figure out what she meant. After enjoying my confusion she piped up with "Can't Remember A F@%king Thing" I nearly fell of my chair!

Very good seizing beauty :clap:

I think I have C.R.A.F.T as well :roflmao:

 

[Z J]

If that is so, I have that syndrome all the time as I am RMC. (Recent Memory Challengend) I can only remember things for a grand total of 2 minutes. :e:

 

[CQ:)]

Church Ladies

They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
--------------------------
The Fasting and Prayer Conference includes meals.
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
--------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
--------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
--------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
--------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
--------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.. Music will follow.
--------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice .
--------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
--------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
--------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
--------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
--------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
--------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
--------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
- -------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'

 

[CQ:)]

Senior moments, enjoy a smile

Some of these have been around before.

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you forget to close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.
As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my stretch limmo parked in there?'

She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires..


----------------------------------------------------------------------

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

------------------------------------------------------------------

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man.. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

----------------------------------------------------------

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure..'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'

---------------------------------------------------------

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'

-----------------------------------------------------------

One more. . .!
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'


Now, before you 'forget', send them on to some other folks you know who could use a good laugh !!

 

[seizingbeauty]

CQ Glad the office was still empty when I read the church bulletins, :roflmao:
Have to say if I was the the secretary I wouldn't have said a mini van, just a mini cooper

 

[Z J]

Words You Don't To Hear In Surgery

"Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy."

"Someone call the janitor. We'll need the mop."

"Bo! Bo! Come back here with that! Bad dog!!!"

"Wait a minute, if that's his spleen, then what's that?"

"Hand me that.. uh.. thingie."

"Whoops. Anybody seen my Rolex?"

"Has anyone ever survived 500mL of this stuff before?"

"Now where did I leave my scalpel?"

"Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing off my concentration."

"Hey, that's cool! Now can you make his other leg twitch too?"

"I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses, and I'm the only surgeon on call today."

"Well folks, I guess this will just be an experiment for all of us."

"The hospital director just fired me. I'm not getting paid either for this week's work. He called me: 'The lousiest surgeon ever.'" :e:

 

[Z J]

You might say "I was in stiches over this!"