CQ's Jokes

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OMG! The cripple children notice so totally happened last year with chad's Mum's church in the Easter newsletter!

I laughed so hard she thought I was a heathen! Then I pointed it out and it was a mix of shock and disgust and then the obvious laughing at someones mistake.
Except it read like this...

The church members are collecting bottles and cans which will be used to help cripple children.

It implies that the church members will be throwing cans at children!
 
You Don't Have To Own A Cat To Appreciate This One!
We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.
We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.
My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat.
The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'
A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!'

The cab driver hit a parked car.
 
HA HA HA HA HA! Thats good!

That reminds me of this time where I was working in an optical store. We regularly had people come in who had broken their frame and were hoping we could fix it. After we fix it we normally try to give them a solution to the problem. take them off gently, don't put them ontop of you head. etc etc.

So this one time, I gave this guy his glasses and told him he kept breaking his temples off because he takes them off with his right hand only. Two hands on Two hands off. Turns out the gentleman only had a right hand. I felt like a jerk.

Another time this gentleman came in and handed me his frames to fix and his arm/temple had broken off where we would have to replace it. So i looked at him and calmly told him we'd need to replace it, and that i'll be in the back. He was cheery and gave me a small conversation. I excused myself again and told him "I'll be right back once I find him a new arm..." then a split second later i realized that he *AGAIN* had no arm. quickly as i noticed and in less than 2 seconds after my first sentence, I half yelled "FOR THE FRAME!" and ran as fast as I could into the back. I was so embarrased by my slip up that I couldnt even go back there to hand it too him. I made another girl do it and tell him I was now on break.
 
Just Love That 4th Seizure Amendment

The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, offices, and hospitals, against unreasonable shakes and seizures, shall not be violated.
 
The Black Bra (as told by a woman)



I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been
Married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided
To amaze our men by greeting them at the door
Wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes.
We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend :
The other night when my boyfriend came over he
Found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask
He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.
I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.


The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was
Wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and
Mask over my eyes.

When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word,

but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.


Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra,
Black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
When he came in the door and saw me he said,



"What's for dinner,Batman?"
 
When asked to join a knitters' group, one lady started mentioning about the crewel embroidery she used tro do very adroitly. I replied, knowing that needle-like electrodes are used in EEG's, stating, "... That's one reason I wouldn't be doing any needlework. It's a "crewel, crewel world out there! :roflmao:"

Rae, would you have done what the 3 women in the above joke did? :roflmao:
 
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WHY GOD MADE MOMS
Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:



Why did God make mothers?

1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.

2. Mostly to clean the house.

3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.



How did God make mothers?

1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.

2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.

3. God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.



What ingredients are mothers made of?

1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean..

2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.



Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?

1. We're related.

2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's mom like me.



What kind of a little girl was your mom?

1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.

2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.

3. They say she used to be nice.



What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?

1. His last name.

2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?

3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?



Why did your mom marry your dad?

1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot.

2. She got too old to do anything else with him.

3. My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.



Who's the boss at your house?

1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.

2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.

3. I guess mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.



What's the difference between moms and dads?

1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.

2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.

3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friends.

4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.



What does your mom do in her spare time?

1. Mothers don't do spare time.

2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.



What would it take to make your mom perfect?

1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.

2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.



If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?

1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.

2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it not me.

3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.



WHEN YOU STOP LAUGHING -- SEND IT ON TO OTHER MOTHERS, GRANDMOTHERS, AND AUNTS....and anyone else who has anything to do with kids or just needs a good laugh!!!
 
This should be a smile on your dial

When you have an 'I Hate My Job day'
[Even if you're retired, you sometimes have those days]

Try this out:

Stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section
and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson.
Be very sure you get this brand.


When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains
and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair.
Open the package and remove the thermometer.
Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface
so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins.

Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully.
You will notice that in small print there is a statement:


"Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson
is personally tested and then sanitized."

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,'
I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality
control department at Johnson & Johnson.'

HAVE A NICE DAY; AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE
WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ASS THAN YOURS!

...Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and
laughter in your heart... Then you are just an old sour fart;

Maybe you should go and work for Johnson and Johnson


Enjoy life now - It has an expiration date!
 
From my sister

The Funniest Staff Meeting Ever!


The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one pretty sharp boss!) When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans.

The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.

About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 list. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone!

The top 10 were:


10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!


9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.


8. Viagra, like a rock!


7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.


6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.


5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.


4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.


3. Viagra, Home of the whopper!


2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!


And the unanimous number one slogan:


1. This is your peepee. This is your peepee on drugs.
 
Yes McGill I would. But in red, so the batman thing is not possible.

and what about
Viagra: Just Do it (nike slogan)
Viagra: The best part of waking up! (folger's)
 
Welll you know what happen it you put the batteries in backward don't you?

It just keeps coming and coming and .... :roflmao:
 
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